Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


Have I ever been abused?  Who and how? What feelings did I or do I now have about it? As stated in previous entries, I have been the victim of abuse from age 2 to 16.  My father.  My peers.  My school.  I begged my parents to send me to alternative high school but dad wouldn't have it.  I'm not sure he understood the implications of bullying and peer torture.  As if he didn't compound the problem exponentially.  I showed a peer a puberty book I found and she insisted we experiment.  Yet another bad touch situation, and she was a master black mailer.  I'm disgusted with those people and wish them nothing but the curse of apathy and emptiness, as they passed on to me.

Has being abused affected my relationships with others? How? I have a desire to be loved, idolized and thought of as superior to the blind rabble.  It's narcissistic and wrought with the desires of my Ego.  If I can't impress someone with my uniqueness, they are not worth my time.  Unfortunately I really do attract people and I let them down repeatedly. 

If I have felt victimized for much of life because of being abused in childhood, what steps can I take to be restored to spiritual wholeness?  Can my Higher Power help? How? It's a lot of work to pound out with my Shadow Self, who holds onto and feeds off of my helplessness and stupidity in the past.  He is the source of my guilt.  As for my Godself, perhaps an internal confrontation needs to take place.

Have I ever abused anyone? Who and how? I feel I have neglected my daughter when she needed me most.  While I was getting high in the attic I heard her cry.  I came down to see her putting on her shoes.  She thought I had abandoned her and was ready to go look for me!  I've never felt like a more lazy and neglectful parent in my entire life.  I must show her love and attention to make up for this horrible misdeed.

What was I feeling and thinking right before I caused the harm?  I needed to get high and detach. I wanted the world to go away at the expense of my parenthood.

Did I blame my victim or make excuses to justify my behavior? Describe. Never.  I only blame myself for the crap job I did last year in rearing my beautiful daughter.  I will never ignore her again. Ever.

Do I trust my Higher Power to work in my life and provide me with what I need so I don't have to harm anyone again?  Am I willing to live with the painful feelings until they are changed through working the steps? All I can do is keep working at the steps and hold my dear Serenity to her heart's content.  My Higher Power with Her high vantage point can guide me in the right direction.  I hope.

I've never been more disgusted with myself.  I must work to change this.  I miss her, and wish I could see her tonight, but it's too late at night to even call.  I love her so much.  I'm not really cut out  for parenthood, but I'll be damned if I can't put forth the effort to make it up to her.  At least she's not fourteen like I was and the damage had already been done.  I can make this right.  I promise.

Teenagers scare the living shit out of me

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