Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


How is my sexual behavior based in selfishness? When in a sexual position with another, life isn't so lonely.  I use some of the people in my life just to fill the void for a little while.

Have I confused sex with love? What were the results of acting on that confusion? Maybe when I was in high school.  After Peter left I blossomed into a sexpot.  I was heavy into the BDsM community for a while.  Sex is not love, it's fun.  Sex CAN go hand in hand, but it doesn't always have to.  The result of my first confusion in the matter was me begging Peter to stay during our one and only breakup in high school.  I was so naive...

How have I used sex to try and avoid loneliness or fill a spiritual void? I had a plethora of FWBs.  I still do.  When I want something or need to not be alone I often give these folks a call.  A little difficult to do in a group home these days, but I still get what I need.  Or rather what I want.  I just don't want to be alone.

In what ways did I compulsively seek or avoid sex? While in the BDsM community I have both been a Mistress and a slave.  I sought it out at every opportunity.  I had a lot of fun with it, but once I was put on heavy anti-psychotics my libido disappeared in a plume of smoke, as if it were never there.

Have any of my sexual practices left me feeling ashamed or guilty?  What were they and why did I feel that way? I have no shame. I stand by what I do responsibly.  I accept the consequences of my actions (ie: Rowen).  I have nothing to be ashamed of because I am a consenting adult with every right to seek companionship.

Have any of my sexual practices hurt myself or others? Perhaps Peter, though he never showed it.  Never showed anything, really.  Yes, I cheated on him several times, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't exactly faithful himself.  Any FWBs know that I am not interested in a relationship of a romantic nature at all.  Unless we're talking paddles and floggers, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Am I comfortable with my sexuality? Indeed.

Am I comfortable with others' sexuality? Whatever floats your boat, Jack.

Is sex a prerequisite in all or most of my relationships? No.  Though my hand has been caught in the cookie jar a few times.  Some of my friendships have ended due to the sexual turn it took.  They ended up being hurt, even though I try to make it clear what my boundaries are from the start.  I'd love to help carry that burden, but I cannot control how someone else feels.  I usually cut ties if the other gets too clingy.

What does a healthy relationship mean to me? Good question, I wish I had the answer to that.  I would assume impeccable communications skills are imperative along with a helping of unconditional love (whatever THAT means...) and a two-way street of give and take.  Somehow I feel that this is unattainable and unrealistic in this world.  Losing faith in humanity one human at a time, so to speak.

That's it. I'ma go be a nun or something.

When I said we, you know I meant me, and when I said sweet I meant dirty
~Ghosty gone

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