Monday, November 19, 2012

Step Four: Searching and Fearless; A Moral Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Am I afraid to work this step? Why? It's a little daunting to delve into the darkest places in myself and be honest about them, but I am NOT afraid.  This needs to happen.

What does it mean to me to be searching and fearless? To be thorough.  To be able to keep going despite my fears.  To truly examine myself in the most brutally honest way possible.

Am I working with my sponsor and talking to other addicts?  I go to every meeting I can, don't I? I am speaking with my sponsor tomorrow morning to get to the heart of my addiction and bring it all to light.  It may sting, it may be too bright, but I have help and I intend to use it.

What other action am I taking to reassure myself that I can handle whatever is revealed in this inventory? All the real friends show up when the shit hits the fan.  I will use this to my advantage and lean on those who are truly loyal to me, just as they can do with me.  Granted, I could count them all on one hand, but my social fears are quelled with that nice small number.

Am I disturbed by the word 'moral?' Why? When I think of the word 'moral,' I think of Christianity, which gives me a knee-jerk reflex of yuck. I don't like being held to society's standards, they are flawed and corrupt.  Not to say that to a degree I am not, but I don't take kindly in being told what to think and how to act.

Am I disturbed by thinking about society's expectations and afraid that I can't, won't, and will never be able to conform to them? Plain and simple: Yes.  Drawn out answer: FUCK society.

What values and principles are important to me? I follow the Wiccan Rede: an it harm none, do as ye will.  Of course this forces me to examine exactly what the word "harm" means, but that is more of a day-to-day comparison, as each situation is different.  To cause the least harm I can is sometimes how it has to be.  The lesser of two evils so to speak.  To live true to myself is my ultimate goal.

In the silhouette of silence, cry, cry crow

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