Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves


How do I identify my individual feelings? Not very easily.  I feel a twist in my gut, as if everything were stained in guilt, despair and anger.  Mostly anger with myself for being too stupid or too awkward.  It's all one big jumble, and I have an enormous difficulty figuring out what's what and why.  I'm pretty sure a + b = c, not q.  Why????

What feelings do I have the most trouble allowing myself to feel? Anger and happiness I suppose.  I have a horrible feeling that when I am at my most content that it will end horribly.  Dread is a good word for it.  And anger makes people do stupid things.  I don't like being out of control.  As exquisitely demonstrated by my father, anger leads to violence, and people in the way get hurt in a very real way.  My most miserable years were under the alcoholic tyrant.  Even when he was sober he was a dick, but at least in a more forgiving manner later on in my teens.  To compensate he imposed little structure or rules, and I ran reckless in the streets.  Smoking pot, dropping acid and ramming around all night.  If I were hungover I would write a note for myself and have him sign it in the morning.  His strange hours allowed for me to be out until four in the morning if I so desired.  Feeling free and guilty for taking advantage of his crazy schedule was something new.  But having a lack of family  to fall back on was the norm at this point.  I don't feel normal.  In fact, I shun it.

Why have I tried to shut off my feelings? Because most of them are negative and painful.  I reserve the right to feel, but I'd rather not feel anything at all sometimes.  Tegratol was a great help with that, but I was a zombie.  Debatable to the fact that I would rather feel nothing. NOTHING.  If you don't light that candle, there will be no shadow.  Drugs made it easier to just let it all go.  Too far of course, but it was nice while it lasted, I'll admit that much.  

What means have I used to deny how I really felt? Dtugs. Duh.  I avoid everything that makes me want to feel, even if it's not checking my mail for days on end.  I miss appointments, I curl up in a little ball of fantasy and dream it all away.  I wish I could stay asleep forever at times, because dreaming is so much better than living, even if they're grotesque nightmares.  A lot of those lately come to think of it...

Who or what triggered a feeling? What was it?  What were the situations?  What was my part in each situation? I'll keep this brief.  The past has a grip on my heart, so in any situation similar I tend to shut down and keep away at all cost.  This has critically damaged my interpersonal relationship skills.  Why bother with people when the pills make me feel better, not them.  Lucky for me, DnD is a game that involves others, otherwise I don't think I'd have any friends.  I don't know what to do with myself when overcome with emotion.  I don't like the sensation, even if it's euphoria.  I cry when I'm angry, and I hate that about myself.  I do NOT like to show weakness to others.  I have a pristine mask on that only a select few see.  I can count them on one hand.

What was my motivation or what did I believe that led me to act as I did in these situations? Escape, escape, escape.  (Hey look at this! Es-kah-pay! Funny, it's spelled the same way as 'escape...') It's an escape artist! FACE MY BLUE WEENY DECK AND DIIIIEEE!!!

Okay, got a little off track there.  See what I mean?

What do I do with my feelings once I've identified them? There is a wonderful quote from a friend ... "Feel, Deal, Heal."  I wish it were that simple.  I can't even figure out what I'm feeling half the time, let alone know how to deal with them.  Thus, drugs.  It's really that simple.

I exist to my needs, to self-oblige.  She is something in me that I despise
~Ghost out

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