Wednesday, January 23, 2013


The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee

Once again I have hit a wall of insecurity upon entering a new step of change through NA.  I need to be ready to have the Goddess "remove" ALL of my character defects.  Don't mean She will, but I suppose I have to want it to happen in order for it to be possible.  

But what if my defects make me ... ME?

Every part of me is in place for a reason.  It may be jumbled and warped, but to have everything negative about me be removed?  Wouldn't that make me some bland, happy, ignorant, blathering fool?  After step four, it's pretty  clear what's "good" and what's "bad." I see my destructive patterns and despise them, but how can I ever change them?? I've been this way for so fucking long I don't know any other way to live.

I suppose change has never been easy.

I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself, let alone all the little pieces, the big picture of life or even what to do day to day.  I've been nothing but irritated with people lately, and I want to stop talking to them outright.  But that would perpetuate an old cycle, wouldn't it?  I swear to the Goddess though, if I have to hear about the same problem one more time I'm going to bash my head into a wall.  Or hers.

I suppose on this cliff I have fear, but I must move forward.  If I don't I will never change from the way I am now, which is pretty disappointing.  I was told my character defects should fit on a matchbook cover,  because it really just boils down to eight or nine asinine traits. So I filled the bastard.  And it does indeed come down to a generalization of under ten traits that we all have, they just manifest in different ways.

Here's to change.

So many dirty little faces with their filthy little worn out broken down see through sores
~Ghost out