Friday, October 5, 2012

Step Two: Spiritual Principles

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Why is having a closed mind harmful to my recovery? Nothing gets in and through if I don't keep an open mind.  A mind is like a parachute: it only works when it's open.  It's not the fact that I am wary of spiritual ideation, it's just that it seems so unbearably Christian in the meetings I go to.  I still have that knee jerk reaction and a sort of disdain for the Judeo-Christian pantheon.  I have been betrayed by it, so I suppose it's only natural to resent it.

How am I demonstrating open-mindedness in my life today? I'm very hard to offend.  All things are possible if we believe it hard enough.  Most of us can't, or won't because it's uncomfortable.  I find myself clinging to the drugs through denial and fear, which is detrimental to the concept of open-mindedness.  Yeah, I've got a problem.  Whatcha gonna do about it?

In what ways has my life changed since I've been in recovery?  Do I believe more change is possible? Another day in paradise has been my motto since I arrived here at the Lawrence House.  It sucks, I'm bored and I hurt and I want it  to go away.  Drugs were the answer to that, now I need to fill in the void.  I have so little motivation to continue I'm dangling by a thread.  I have to know that change can happen, or I am ultimately doomed to insanity.

What am I willing ot do in order to be restored to sanity? If the drugs gotta go, then they gotta go.  I used to think that they made me tolerably sane for the duration of the high.  Now I have to rely on legal perscriptions to do the job, and they do a shit job.  I haven't found the magical combination of bliss, and my reliance on it is pathetic.  If I don't take my meds I get suicidal real quick.  I'll stop palming the pills, I'll stop smoking pot and buying opiates off the street.  Get me to a point where I can function, please.  Pretty please?

Is there something I am now willing to do that I was perviously unwilling to do?  What is it? I have to say no.  I don't seek the drugs, they come to me.  I have to be able to be strong enough to say NO.  My track record at this is very poor I'm finding.

What action have I been taking that demonstrates my faith? I can do purification rituals every day, but if I don't believe they will work, they won't.  I'm so low on energy in every aspect of the word that I can barely find the motivation to get out of bed.  I'm up and about today.  That's progress, right?

How has my faith grown? Enough to attempt a shamanic journey to speak with my other selves and see their take on the whole picture.  Still arranging it, I hope I get SOMETHING from them...

Have I been able to make plans, having faith that my addiction isn't going to get in the way? Yes.  Yay.

What fears do I have that are getting in the way of my trust? I have no faith in people, sometimes not even myself to do something right for a change.  People bother me.  They're like pets they need so much goddamned attention.  I fear expectations, for I will surely fail them.

What do I need to do to let go of these fears? I'm not about to get burned again. That being said I may have to take that risk in order to progress.  Can we say counseling?

What action am I taking that demonstrates my trust in the process of recovery and a Power greater than myself? I chaired a meeting last night.  I didn't think I believed in the program to that degree, but going to meetings has shown me a tried and true practice that works for some.  I'm willing to give it a try -- 90 meetings for 90 days.  And try not to be a 30 day wonder.

Have I sought help from a Power greater than myself today?  How? I affirm that I am Goddess in all that I do and all that I am.  And that is all is expected.

Have I sought help from my sponsor, gone to meetings and reached out to other recovering addicts?  What were the results? I don't call Elaine much.  I really should.  She's very high strung and buzzing with restless energies.  If I can tap that, maybe I can stay clean for more than six days at a time.

Man, this shit is hard.  I have to know that it'll get better or there just isn't a point in it.  It gets better, it HAS to get better.  Hear my plea, Athena, and grant your virginal power to me to abstain.

You could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Step Two: Restoration to Sanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

What are some things I consider examples of sanity? Being able to hand a crisis or even everyday stress without turning back to old habits: running away.  Reacting on a level that is human.  Feeling things through to the end.

What changes in my thinking and behavior are necessary for my restoration to sanity? Less thinking, more knowing.  More reaction than deflection.  Less justifying, more responsibility.

In what areas in my life do I need sanity now? Interpersonal relationships are almost impossible to maintain.  People expect to much of me, when I expect nothing for them.  My faith in humanity has waned to "don't give a fuck" mode, and its been stuck there for the past three years.

How is restoration a process? "We didn't become addicted in one day so remember: EASY DOES IT." I hear that at every meeting I attend.  I have to believe that it gets better from here, because if this isn't rock bottom I dunno what is.

How will working the steps help me in my restoration to sanity? I don't know, but I can give it a shot.  I'm willing to do anything at this point to curb the chaos that is my life at the moment.  I'm not even sure these steps can help me stay clean, let alone be sane.  My mental illness overshadows a lot in my life now, much like a black hole sucking in stars and shooting the rest out into space.  I'll gather what I can from it, but damn damn DAMN if I can do it alone...

How has sanity already been restared to me in my recovery? It hasn't.  I can barely scrape up a week clean, let alone achieve even a fraction of this serenity everyone is so intent on.  Frustrating...

What expectations do I have about being restored to sanity?  Are they realistic? I want to be able to keep a place without people knocking on my door for money.  I want to keep a clean living environment.  I want to be able to budget the money I have so it doesn't leave me stranded three days after I get it.  Is this so much to ask??

Are my realistic expectations about how my recovery is progressing being met or not?  Do I understand that recovery happens over time, not overnight? Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  Just because I'll get a disability settlement and have enough for a place on my own for once does not mean that I'll be ready for it.  I'm afrad of that fucking money.  Afraid that I'll use it on drugs, and other useless things that I don't need in my life.  I fear waste above all else.

Finding ourselves able to act sanely, even once, in a situation with which we were never able to deal successfully before is evidence of sanity.  Have I had any experiences like that in my recovery? What were they? I can't remember a time in which I was "sane."  I wanted to die by the time I was fourteen.  I've had fantasies of arson and murder.  I've had suicidal dreams and ideation.  I feel trapped in a daze, as if the real world hasn't settled in (whatever that means...).  To achieve sanity through twelve steps seems dubious at best.  I've got baggage.  Big baggage that would cost thousands to ship.  When I can start to let it go a little, I'll be on my way.  Here's hoping that GREATER POWER helps me out a bit, because there is no way in hell I can do this by myself, functioning or not.

I've relapsed several times already.  There is a demon within me that devours any shred of happiness and replaces it with fear, anger and pure panic.  I run away from problems and people, isolating on all fronts until I need to wear a face for someone.  Sarah.  My daughter.  My mom.  Alisha.  Some see through it, some love me for it, others could care less.  I hurt everyone I touch, and not only have been told so, but has been proven correct whenever I try to let someone in.  Expectations are predetermined dissapointments.  I get so low and all I want is a fix to make it go away.  I don't care what it is: booze, smoke, pills... anything.  If I can overcome this fear of myself, then perhaps I can take some baby steps in getting my fucking life together.  (HINT: HEY GREATER POWER, A LITTLE HELP HERE???!)
I'm not as selfish as I used to be.  That was apart of me that never made me proud
~C out