Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Step Three: Making a Decision

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him

Why is making a decision central to working this step? In order to have life run relatively smoothly, one cannot stop the tide or flow of a moving body of water.  It is important to bend, flex and move with the current, or forever bash your head against a brick wall.  Once I decide that my Higher Self knows better than I do and will do what it can in order to open my eyes to recovery, I am under no obligation to commit to more than a few bites of it at a time.  My sponsor told me once that we don't have to explain or understand it.  Just know that it can restore sanity if you're willing to work for it and it has your best interest at heart.

Can I make this decision just for today?  Do I have any fears or reservations about it?  What are they? I'm not a big fan of assigning gender to a force that is above such labels, but I get that this Higher Power is made of the Divine Stuff of the Universe much like us humans, but uncarnate.  My reservations stem from a very large trust complex.  I can't even trust myself, what does THAT say about me?  Jeez...

What action have I taken to follow through on my decision? If I ever get this ritual out of my head and into action, there will be a lot of purification, destruction and rebuilding.  Like rearranging the tetris blocks of my being into a more stable, score jacking format.  This will take much meditation and a good deal of Journeying.   I'm ready for it.

What areasof my life are difficult for me to turn over? Nothing. Take it all, Godself, I don't want it.  Nudge me in the right direction if You so choose.  I can't drop all of my responsibilities, but I can have a little peace of mind knowing that if I listen very closely, I will receive a reply in some shape or form.

Why is it important that I turn them over anyway? Can't carry the world on my shoulders anymore.  Everybody wants a piece of me, everybody can kiss my fat white ass.  I don't need to be worrying over every stupid thing that comes my way, even if its way out of my control.  Work with the flow, not against it.  And of course be careful what you wish for.  It just might come true.

I think it's kind of funny, I find it rather sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

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