Sunday, March 24, 2013

Step Six: Spiritual Principles

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove our defects of character

How am I demonstrating my commitment to recovery at this point? I have been throwing myself at service work, putting myself in the center of PI and getting voted onto the panel of local H&I.

By working the first five steps, I have persevered in my recovery.  Why is this quality so vital to the sixth step? I've come this far.  I can't look back. Everything is on the table at this point, and there is no point in turning in now.  Go big or go home.

Am I willing to have all my defects of character removed at this time?  If not, why not? I am still apprehensive at this point, but willing? Yes. I may not like all of me, but its a part of me that makes me me.  If I am not me ... who am I? I'm not claiming to know myself very well, but there are parts of me I want to know.  What if those are the parts that are taken away?

What have I done to show my willingness today? I socialized.  I didn't like it, but I tried to show my gratitude and charisma to Nate's mother.  She was cool.

Do I accept myself today?  What do I like about myself?  What has changed since I've been working the steps? Of course I don't accept myself.  Why would I be on a plethora of psyche meds if I did?  I see a counselor, I take anxiety medication, I don't understand myself and the never ending quest is a source of anguish.  I can, however, accept the fact that I don't accept myself the way I am, mostly because I am not done growing.  I like my intelligence, my creativity and my ability to lose myself into music like no other.  I feel it.  I live it.  It is me, and sometimes it speaks to me. I guess that makes me crazy.  But I like to think it's the genius kind of crazy and not the psychotic kind.  Since working the steps I have discovered all sorts of things about myself that I may or may not like, and can relax a little about it.  Because just for today, it's okay.

I'm still breathing

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Step Six: Our Defects of Character

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all our defects of character

List each defect and a brief description of it. Anger. I hate people. Disgust.  I hate people. Withdrawal. I. HATE. PEOPLE.

In what ways do I act on these defects? I pull away from the people I know and love; the people that care about me and want me to succeed.  I push them away to deal with things all by my lone self so no one else is burdened.  I can handle this myself and I don't need your help, thank you very much.

When I act on these defects, what effect does it have on myself and others? I get lonely so I want to use.  People think I don't care or are maliciously seeking to hurt them, when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.  I don't want to be touched or talked to, but it's not like I'm trying to hurt anyone.  Just leave me alone.

What feelings do I associate with these defects? Am I trying to surpress certain feelings by acting on a certain defect? Isolation, fear, loneliness, despair.  I pull away and use so I don't have to deal with the world at large, which mostly sucks as it is.

What would my life be like without this behavior? Which spiritual principle can I apply instead? Perhaps it would be easier to trust and open up to people if I didn't put them through my tidal mood swings.  I love you.  I hate you.  I need you.  Get away from me.  You complete me.  Get out of my life.  I need to be honest with myself.  I need to be open to the fact that these people want to help me and have my best interests at heart.  I need to be willing to accept the help that they offer.

The maelstrom of my life has struck a point of chaos within the storm.  There is no eye, only hurricaine for miles.  I have to believe that the storm will subside, but be ready to arm myself for battle and fight for what is mine.  I am entitled to certain things.  Not all things, but let this be known: hell hath no wrath like a mother scorned.

Will you bite the hand that  feeds you? Will you stay down on your knees?
~Enraged Ghost

Monday, March 18, 2013

Step Six: ...To Have The Goddess Remove ...

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

How am I trying to remove or control my own character defects?  What have my attempts resulted in? Forcing myself to close the distance between myself and other people has done nothing but make me want to withdraw even more.  My irritation with humanity in general grows the more I try to ignore it.

What is the difference between being entirely ready to have the Goddess remove my defects of character and  suppressing them myself? Active an passive forces I suppose.  Much like my use of drugs, the more control I attempt to assert, the more slippery and resistant it becomes.  To surrender is to let it go and not look back.

How am I increasing my trust in the Goddess of my understanding by working the steps? I have to trust that She will not take something away that I need in order to grow and develop as a person.  If I need to have something in my life right now, it will be there for me to learn from.  If I am done with it, then She will be rid of it with my permission.  I must permit Her to do Her job.

How does my surrender deepen in this step? The harder I grasp the less I have a grip on it.  I must let go in order to maintain serenity.

What action can I take that shows that I am entirely ready? I am working on a ritual with another Wiccan in recovery named Camilla.  I hope this will help curb any relapses.

All the things she said, running through my head, this is not enough

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Step Six: Entirely Ready for What?

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

Are there parts of me I like, but which might be "defects?" Am I afraid I'll turn into someone I on't like if those parts of my character are removed? I've always gone against the grain, as mainstream culture disgusts me.  I don't want to be normal.  I don't want to be like everybody else.

What do I think will be removed? Perhaps the compulsion to use or eat constantly.  My inability to maintain interpersonal relationships.  Fear.

Do I still believe in the process of recovery?  Do I  believe that I can  change?  How have I changed so far?  What defects do I no longer have to act out on? To be honest this "recovery" business within the lense of the twelve steps seems more and more like brainwashing, giving an ideal of what can save you and to hold onto it with all your might, making your faith unshakable in something as arbitrary as God.  What happens when "God" lets you down? Blame yourself for being unable to hear Its message clearly enough? Self reprimand seems counterproductive.  I'm willing to change to a certain degree, but only in a manner that is congruent with spiritual growth and better homeostasis.  Coming this far I have found that I can be more and more honest with myself instead of justifying each act out of desperation for acceptance from others, myself and the Goddess.  Like someone is watching me over my shoulder and secretly keeping count on how many times I fake feeling sick so that I can sleep in or the reasons behind my desire for a fix.  I am becoming more and more okay with that.  I can quell  the fear of lack of communication as I seem to have surrounded myself with a group of people that are honest and easy going.  They have no reason to lie to me.  And I to them. 

Do I have any defects that cannot be removed? What are they?  Why do I think they cannot be removed? My abysmal self esteem.  It's been battered and beaten my whole life and I'm not sure it can make a true comeback after it's been crippled for so long.  I will always be insecure.  I will always second guess myself.  I will always wonder if what people say is really what they mean.

And on that note, titty sprikles.
I am the high you can't sustain (and I control you)
~Ghost out