Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Step Three: Self-Will

We made a decision to turn out will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him

Have I acted on Self-will?  What were my motives? My self-will is often centered in instant gratification.  Not to imply that ALL decisions I make on self-will are bad, just often clouded by impatience and anxiety.

How has acting on my Self-will affected my life? A mixed bag here.  Sometimes I get so eager for something that I'll spend more money to get it sooner for no real reason other than impatience.  Other times I'll act recklessly or participate in risky behavior. 

How has my Self-will affected others? I was called selfish a few times by an ex of mine.  It didn't matter what others thought, if I wanted it I was going to go to any length to get it, even putting the opinions of those I love aside as if they were nothing.  This is not always the case, but I can definitely understand where she was coming from.

Will pursuing my goals harm anyone? How? I'm proud to say that the answer to this question is a resounding no.  I want to publish my novel and live comfortably for the rest of my life so I can focus on other leisure like painting, traveling and gaming.  No one will get hurt in this process.  And I have no desire to change that.

In the pursuit of what I want, is it likely that I will end up doing something that adversely affects myself or others? Explain. My wants are in the moment, that second and demanding of full attention.  If I act too quickly, it may put me at a disadvantage.  Sometimes others get swept up in it, much like my ex.  I'm a difficult person to live around, mostly because I have no faith or trust in humanity.  That and I'm really fucking lazy.  Once I put my mind to something it will get done come hell or high water, to hell with anyone else. 

Will I have to compromise my values to reach this goal? I have but one moral code: An it harm none, do as ye will.  I also like the idea of the Black Heart of Innocence in the Feri traditions.  I fall back a lot on the definition of "harm," and practice it every day.  I will not break my code willingly, even though self-harm is just as valid as harming anyone else.  There is no "better me than you."  Harm is simply that: harm.  And I will attempt to swim though the waters of life and try not to disturb that which is thriving around me.

Describe the times when my will hasn't been enough.  In matters of using my will has almost never been enough.  I've passed on the bowl for three weeks now on my own, but I wouldn't doubt that my Higher Power had something to do with that.  I don't have a solid place to stand on in order to face conflict as a part of my personality disorder.  I'm just going to have to swallow my pride, suck it up and ask for help.  After all, the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel.

What is the difference between my will and "God's" Will? The Godself operates in more dimensions than we do, and can thus see the universe without the illusion of "time."  She knows better, because she has seen every outcome possible and is willing to guide me through the path that brings a measure of success and happiness.  Because I cannot see what She can, my perspective has blind spots.  If I stumble through blind I'm sure to come across difficulty that I cannot handle.  I need to be respectful and open to my Godself.  She can see what I cannot, and can walk me through any situation with the best outcome.  I have to allow Her to, or She is useless to me.

Have there been times in my recovery in which I slowly take back my will without thinking?  What alerted me?  What have I done to recommit myself to the third step? Any time I fall back into old thinking and hoarding my will, a meeting can always bring my attention back onto my recovery and what my Godself has to say about it.  If I don't go to meetings, I forget that I'm supposed to be on the lookout for warning signs and realize that my heart has closed up.  My Godself speaks in the language of the heart, so I need to open it up and speak and understand it.

Now that I have a decent idea of what my Higher Power is, a lot of anxiety has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Pat told me that I didn't have to define it, but I like to know as much as possible about the Unseen.  It's my insatiable curiosity -- I can't help but to want to know the "why" or the "how."  Once I have something solid to fall back on, surrendering my will to my Will seems a lot easier.


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