Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Relationships

What conflicts in my personality make it difficult for me to maintain friendships and/or romantic relationships? I lose interest quickly once I figure people out or when they have already probed and identified me.  My attention span is very short for most things, including relationships.

How has my fear of being hurt affected my friendships and romantic relationships? I don't give my all anymore.  I don't even have it all within me, how could I expect to find it anywhere else?  I'm just too exhausted to give anymore.

How have I sacrificed platonic friendships in favor of romantic relationships? Yes.  Huge mistake.

In what ways did I compulsively seek relationships? They come to me, not the other way around.  I am cursed with the fact that when I meet people they either immediately fall in love or lust with me with few exceptions.  I don't want most of them tailing behind me or getting in my way.  I've already made that mistake once... okay, twice.  Shame on me.

In my relationships with family, do I sometimes feeel as though we're locked into repeating the same patterns over and over without any hope of change?  What were those patterns?  What is my part in perpetuating them? I'm not big on my dad's side of the family because they are all snots.  My mother's side of the family is more casual and tolerable.  I see them roughly once a year and I'm not very excited to see them.  I feel... obligated to donate my time with them.

How have I avoided intamacy with my friends, partners or family? I'll stop talking to them or seeing them once the shiny-new-friend expires.  I don't want to keep everyone in check and satisfy their needs to be involved with me.  Once again, I am running away.

Have I had problems making commitments?  Describe. I don't say the words "I love you" lightly, if at all.  It used to piss Alisha off to no end that I wouldn't say it for a long time.  I felt that I was lying if I told her that right off the bat.  I was content to let things unfold at their own rate, so when I am in romantic relationships I feel pressured to feel and act a certain way.  I try to be as honest as I can, and I would be lying about how I feel if I just blurt it for no good reason.

Have I ever destroyed a relationship  because I believed I was going to get hurt anyway so I should get out before that happens?  Describe. I tried to leave Alisha multiple times, but she knows me weakness to tears, so once the waterworks started I gave in.  Mistake.  A lot of mistakes.

To what degree do I consider the feelings of others in my relationships? Equal to my own? More important than my own? Of minor importance? Not at all? If I love someone then I throw myself at them, desperate for attention and affection.  Keeping track of their emotions however is very difficult, because I have nothing to gauge against "normal."

Have I felt like the victim in any relationships?  Describe. When I was young I was always the victim.  Peers, family, you name it, I was its doormat.  The self-loathing sprouted and thrived.

What have my relationships with my neighbors been like? Do I notice any patterns appearing that carried through no matter where I lived? Well the neighbors when I was a kid were obviously twisted and cruel.  Tristan used to be my neighbor and I acted as a catalyst for disaster, much like Mel.  I tend to do that a lot.  It's not like I mean to...

How do I feel about the people with and for whom I've worked?  How have my thinking, beliefs, and behavior caused problems for me at work? I have very poor work ethic and low motivation.  I can only fake smile for so long, so I become bogged down and overwhelmed with my duties.  I have an issue working with older men in charge, probably because of my poor relationship with my father when I was a kid.  I feel pressured and looked down upon, though how close that is to the truth I couldn't say.

How do I feel about the people I went to school with? Did I feel less than or better than my peers?  Did I believe I had to compete for attention from the instructor? Did I respect authority figures or rebel against them? I fucking hated school.  I've been pounded into a brick wall, pinched, slapped and pulled (hair and shoelaces) and even thrown off the top of school bleachers.  How do I feel about them? I wish they'd all die in a fiery blaze, full of agony and extended suffering.  It wasn't until Columbine happened that I took advantage of the "goth" image for my own physical safety.  If people thought I was likely to bring an AK47 to school and unload by wearing black, then they left me alone.  I had to sell out.  This doesn't sit right with me to this day.

Have I ever joined any clubs or membership organizations?  How did I feel about the other people in the organization? What were my expectations of these groups? I was part of the LunaSolis coven for a little over two years.  I had achieved my neophyte, first and second degrees, then they said that I wasn't ready to lead the group (a third degree task) for a year and a day.  I don't know if I was too negative or didn't really think like they did or what.  They asked me to stop coming, of which I was devastated over.  The group I led myself also fell apart for similar reasons.  I have been cut off spiritually.  It was hard blow that filled me with guilt, fear and resentment.

Have I ever been in a mental hospital or prison or otherwise been held agasint my will?  What effect has that had on my personality?  What were my interactions with the authorities like?  Did I follow the rules? Did I ever break the rules and then resent the authorities when I got caught? My week in 1E psyche ward was hell, but I did spice things up a bit.  I had sex on the couch with Alisha in the sun room while another resident kept watch, Sue and I smuggled cigarettes in the bathroom and smoked them a few drags at a time.  I had my ipod with me when I knew it was against the rules.  I hated the doctor there.  First off, I couldn't understand the Arab bastard and second he loaded me down with serequil until I was a zombie.  I refused to stay after seven days.

Did early experiences with trust and intimacy hurt me and cause me to withdraw?  Why? Um ... YES.  See earlier posts.

Did I become a different person depending on who I was around?  Describe. No.  I've always been me and my alts, no one else.  I stay true to my principles.  I may pick up mannerisms and different ways to communicate, but I incorporate them into my own versions of quirk.  Unfortunately those who refuse to follow are doomed to lead.

Have I discovered things about my personality that I didn't like and then found myself overcompensating for that behavior?  Describe. Hahaha that's funny.  An entity called The Prince of Filth has taken up residence as my Shadow Self.  I met him in a disturbing nightmare.  He is everything that I am uncomfortable with about myself, if not all out hatred and scorn. I've tried working with him but let's face it, that's painful.  I'm trying to acquire him as an ally, but it's not easy.  Not at all.

What defects are most often at play in my relationships? Isolation, withdrawal and self-harm.  I'm such a fucking codependent it's sad.

How can I change my behavior so that I can begin having healthy relationships? I'm not sure.  If I knew I don't think I'd be in intensive therapy.  I suppose I have to be more willing to give what I have of myself and trust someone.  It's that looming stove again with no burner knobs so I can't tell if it's hot or not.  So far it has never failed to burn me, so forgive my hesitance in trying to touch it again.

Have I had any kind of relationship with a Higher Power?  How has this changed in my lifetime?  What kind of a relationship do I have with my Higher Power now? My Higher Power resides within me on several non-tangible dimensions.  She (yes, female?) sees all possibilities and gently guides me in pursuit of peace.  I am solid in that belief.  Sometimes it's just too hard to hear her over my mental chatter.  These voices are driving me insane.  Not to mention the hallucinations.  The border between what is real and what is faulty brain chemistry is thin and uncertain.

I suppose I should start going to group therapy again...

You're better off without me
~Ghost