Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


Have I ever been abused?  Who and how? What feelings did I or do I now have about it? As stated in previous entries, I have been the victim of abuse from age 2 to 16.  My father.  My peers.  My school.  I begged my parents to send me to alternative high school but dad wouldn't have it.  I'm not sure he understood the implications of bullying and peer torture.  As if he didn't compound the problem exponentially.  I showed a peer a puberty book I found and she insisted we experiment.  Yet another bad touch situation, and she was a master black mailer.  I'm disgusted with those people and wish them nothing but the curse of apathy and emptiness, as they passed on to me.

Has being abused affected my relationships with others? How? I have a desire to be loved, idolized and thought of as superior to the blind rabble.  It's narcissistic and wrought with the desires of my Ego.  If I can't impress someone with my uniqueness, they are not worth my time.  Unfortunately I really do attract people and I let them down repeatedly. 

If I have felt victimized for much of life because of being abused in childhood, what steps can I take to be restored to spiritual wholeness?  Can my Higher Power help? How? It's a lot of work to pound out with my Shadow Self, who holds onto and feeds off of my helplessness and stupidity in the past.  He is the source of my guilt.  As for my Godself, perhaps an internal confrontation needs to take place.

Have I ever abused anyone? Who and how? I feel I have neglected my daughter when she needed me most.  While I was getting high in the attic I heard her cry.  I came down to see her putting on her shoes.  She thought I had abandoned her and was ready to go look for me!  I've never felt like a more lazy and neglectful parent in my entire life.  I must show her love and attention to make up for this horrible misdeed.

What was I feeling and thinking right before I caused the harm?  I needed to get high and detach. I wanted the world to go away at the expense of my parenthood.

Did I blame my victim or make excuses to justify my behavior? Describe. Never.  I only blame myself for the crap job I did last year in rearing my beautiful daughter.  I will never ignore her again. Ever.

Do I trust my Higher Power to work in my life and provide me with what I need so I don't have to harm anyone again?  Am I willing to live with the painful feelings until they are changed through working the steps? All I can do is keep working at the steps and hold my dear Serenity to her heart's content.  My Higher Power with Her high vantage point can guide me in the right direction.  I hope.

I've never been more disgusted with myself.  I must work to change this.  I miss her, and wish I could see her tonight, but it's too late at night to even call.  I love her so much.  I'm not really cut out  for parenthood, but I'll be damned if I can't put forth the effort to make it up to her.  At least she's not fourteen like I was and the damage had already been done.  I can make this right.  I promise.

Teenagers scare the living shit out of me

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


How is my sexual behavior based in selfishness? When in a sexual position with another, life isn't so lonely.  I use some of the people in my life just to fill the void for a little while.

Have I confused sex with love? What were the results of acting on that confusion? Maybe when I was in high school.  After Peter left I blossomed into a sexpot.  I was heavy into the BDsM community for a while.  Sex is not love, it's fun.  Sex CAN go hand in hand, but it doesn't always have to.  The result of my first confusion in the matter was me begging Peter to stay during our one and only breakup in high school.  I was so naive...

How have I used sex to try and avoid loneliness or fill a spiritual void? I had a plethora of FWBs.  I still do.  When I want something or need to not be alone I often give these folks a call.  A little difficult to do in a group home these days, but I still get what I need.  Or rather what I want.  I just don't want to be alone.

In what ways did I compulsively seek or avoid sex? While in the BDsM community I have both been a Mistress and a slave.  I sought it out at every opportunity.  I had a lot of fun with it, but once I was put on heavy anti-psychotics my libido disappeared in a plume of smoke, as if it were never there.

Have any of my sexual practices left me feeling ashamed or guilty?  What were they and why did I feel that way? I have no shame. I stand by what I do responsibly.  I accept the consequences of my actions (ie: Rowen).  I have nothing to be ashamed of because I am a consenting adult with every right to seek companionship.

Have any of my sexual practices hurt myself or others? Perhaps Peter, though he never showed it.  Never showed anything, really.  Yes, I cheated on him several times, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't exactly faithful himself.  Any FWBs know that I am not interested in a relationship of a romantic nature at all.  Unless we're talking paddles and floggers, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Am I comfortable with my sexuality? Indeed.

Am I comfortable with others' sexuality? Whatever floats your boat, Jack.

Is sex a prerequisite in all or most of my relationships? No.  Though my hand has been caught in the cookie jar a few times.  Some of my friendships have ended due to the sexual turn it took.  They ended up being hurt, even though I try to make it clear what my boundaries are from the start.  I'd love to help carry that burden, but I cannot control how someone else feels.  I usually cut ties if the other gets too clingy.

What does a healthy relationship mean to me? Good question, I wish I had the answer to that.  I would assume impeccable communications skills are imperative along with a helping of unconditional love (whatever THAT means...) and a two-way street of give and take.  Somehow I feel that this is unattainable and unrealistic in this world.  Losing faith in humanity one human at a time, so to speak.

That's it. I'ma go be a nun or something.

When I said we, you know I meant me, and when I said sweet I meant dirty
~Ghosty gone

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


What conflicts in my personality make it difficult for me to maintain friendships and/or romantic relationships? I lose interest quickly once I figure people out or when they have already probed and identified me.  My attention span is very short for most things, including relationships.

How has my fear of being hurt affected my friendships and romantic relationships? I don't give my all anymore.  I don't even have it all within me, how could I expect to find it anywhere else?  I'm just too exhausted to give anymore.

How have I sacrificed platonic friendships in favor of romantic relationships? Yes.  Huge mistake.

In what ways did I compulsively seek relationships? They come to me, not the other way around.  I am cursed with the fact that when I meet people they either immediately fall in love or lust with me with few exceptions.  I don't want most of them tailing behind me or getting in my way.  I've already made that mistake once... okay, twice.  Shame on me.

In my relationships with family, do I sometimes feeel as though we're locked into repeating the same patterns over and over without any hope of change?  What were those patterns?  What is my part in perpetuating them? I'm not big on my dad's side of the family because they are all snots.  My mother's side of the family is more casual and tolerable.  I see them roughly once a year and I'm not very excited to see them.  I feel... obligated to donate my time with them.

How have I avoided intamacy with my friends, partners or family? I'll stop talking to them or seeing them once the shiny-new-friend expires.  I don't want to keep everyone in check and satisfy their needs to be involved with me.  Once again, I am running away.

Have I had problems making commitments?  Describe. I don't say the words "I love you" lightly, if at all.  It used to piss Alisha off to no end that I wouldn't say it for a long time.  I felt that I was lying if I told her that right off the bat.  I was content to let things unfold at their own rate, so when I am in romantic relationships I feel pressured to feel and act a certain way.  I try to be as honest as I can, and I would be lying about how I feel if I just blurt it for no good reason.

Have I ever destroyed a relationship  because I believed I was going to get hurt anyway so I should get out before that happens?  Describe. I tried to leave Alisha multiple times, but she knows me weakness to tears, so once the waterworks started I gave in.  Mistake.  A lot of mistakes.

To what degree do I consider the feelings of others in my relationships? Equal to my own? More important than my own? Of minor importance? Not at all? If I love someone then I throw myself at them, desperate for attention and affection.  Keeping track of their emotions however is very difficult, because I have nothing to gauge against "normal."

Have I felt like the victim in any relationships?  Describe. When I was young I was always the victim.  Peers, family, you name it, I was its doormat.  The self-loathing sprouted and thrived.

What have my relationships with my neighbors been like? Do I notice any patterns appearing that carried through no matter where I lived? Well the neighbors when I was a kid were obviously twisted and cruel.  Tristan used to be my neighbor and I acted as a catalyst for disaster, much like Mel.  I tend to do that a lot.  It's not like I mean to...

How do I feel about the people with and for whom I've worked?  How have my thinking, beliefs, and behavior caused problems for me at work? I have very poor work ethic and low motivation.  I can only fake smile for so long, so I become bogged down and overwhelmed with my duties.  I have an issue working with older men in charge, probably because of my poor relationship with my father when I was a kid.  I feel pressured and looked down upon, though how close that is to the truth I couldn't say.

How do I feel about the people I went to school with? Did I feel less than or better than my peers?  Did I believe I had to compete for attention from the instructor? Did I respect authority figures or rebel against them? I fucking hated school.  I've been pounded into a brick wall, pinched, slapped and pulled (hair and shoelaces) and even thrown off the top of school bleachers.  How do I feel about them? I wish they'd all die in a fiery blaze, full of agony and extended suffering.  It wasn't until Columbine happened that I took advantage of the "goth" image for my own physical safety.  If people thought I was likely to bring an AK47 to school and unload by wearing black, then they left me alone.  I had to sell out.  This doesn't sit right with me to this day.

Have I ever joined any clubs or membership organizations?  How did I feel about the other people in the organization? What were my expectations of these groups? I was part of the LunaSolis coven for a little over two years.  I had achieved my neophyte, first and second degrees, then they said that I wasn't ready to lead the group (a third degree task) for a year and a day.  I don't know if I was too negative or didn't really think like they did or what.  They asked me to stop coming, of which I was devastated over.  The group I led myself also fell apart for similar reasons.  I have been cut off spiritually.  It was hard blow that filled me with guilt, fear and resentment.

Have I ever been in a mental hospital or prison or otherwise been held agasint my will?  What effect has that had on my personality?  What were my interactions with the authorities like?  Did I follow the rules? Did I ever break the rules and then resent the authorities when I got caught? My week in 1E psyche ward was hell, but I did spice things up a bit.  I had sex on the couch with Alisha in the sun room while another resident kept watch, Sue and I smuggled cigarettes in the bathroom and smoked them a few drags at a time.  I had my ipod with me when I knew it was against the rules.  I hated the doctor there.  First off, I couldn't understand the Arab bastard and second he loaded me down with serequil until I was a zombie.  I refused to stay after seven days.

Did early experiences with trust and intimacy hurt me and cause me to withdraw?  Why? Um ... YES.  See earlier posts.

Did I become a different person depending on who I was around?  Describe. No.  I've always been me and my alts, no one else.  I stay true to my principles.  I may pick up mannerisms and different ways to communicate, but I incorporate them into my own versions of quirk.  Unfortunately those who refuse to follow are doomed to lead.

Have I discovered things about my personality that I didn't like and then found myself overcompensating for that behavior?  Describe. Hahaha that's funny.  An entity called The Prince of Filth has taken up residence as my Shadow Self.  I met him in a disturbing nightmare.  He is everything that I am uncomfortable with about myself, if not all out hatred and scorn. I've tried working with him but let's face it, that's painful.  I'm trying to acquire him as an ally, but it's not easy.  Not at all.

What defects are most often at play in my relationships? Isolation, withdrawal and self-harm.  I'm such a fucking codependent it's sad.

How can I change my behavior so that I can begin having healthy relationships? I'm not sure.  If I knew I don't think I'd be in intensive therapy.  I suppose I have to be more willing to give what I have of myself and trust someone.  It's that looming stove again with no burner knobs so I can't tell if it's hot or not.  So far it has never failed to burn me, so forgive my hesitance in trying to touch it again.

Have I had any kind of relationship with a Higher Power?  How has this changed in my lifetime?  What kind of a relationship do I have with my Higher Power now? My Higher Power resides within me on several non-tangible dimensions.  She (yes, female?) sees all possibilities and gently guides me in pursuit of peace.  I am solid in that belief.  Sometimes it's just too hard to hear her over my mental chatter.  These voices are driving me insane.  Not to mention the hallucinations.  The border between what is real and what is faulty brain chemistry is thin and uncertain.

I suppose I should start going to group therapy again...

You're better off without me

Friday, November 23, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


Who or what am I afraid of? Why? I'm terrified of needles and surgery, but I don't think that applies to my recovery.  I've always been upset and weak-kneed around them.  A wonderful reason to stay away from IV drugs.  I'm afraid of what comes next.  I cannot predict everything with my tarot cards, and I'm terrified of bad news.  I won't pick up my mail for weeks on end.  I don't want to be homeless anymore, and one of my greatest fears I think would be to not be able to be a part of my children's lives. 

What have I done to cover my fear? Fake it till you make it.  I have a wonderful "everything is honkeydory" mask that I put on a lot.  Not too many people get to see me without it.  I have been unwilling to talk about anything with my counselors lately, not for fear of criticism, but of being overwhelmed with emotion, forever being unable to figure out why or how I feel whatever it is that's boiling in my gut.  I want to curl up in a ball and sleep the world away.  Though lately with these crazy nightmares I've been unwilling to sleep very well either.

How have I responded negatively or destructively to my fear? Drugs of course, that would be a big one.  I cut sometimes.  Isolation seems to be the theme in how I react to a lot of things.  I don't want to see it or hear about it or anything.  Just leave me alone.

What do I most fear looking at and exposing about myself?  What do I think will happen if I do? My love is dead, or at least severely damaged.  I feel guilty when someone loves me and I cannot reciprocate.  That stove is still hot, you know.  And touching it over and over again has only given me burns and scars upon my heart.  My laziness and unwillingness to participate wholly in my life.  Live in a haze of happy with a bowl and some crushed up pills.  I already know what I don't want to see or live.  I don't have the capability to care about it anymore.  I'm too emotionally exhausted to put up a fight anymore.

How have I cheated myself because of my fear? I've  cheated myself out of a normal life I think.  To allow myself to not participate in the outside world I have lost many an opportunity.  Instead of dealing with it, I run away to fantasy land (with or without the drugs) and hope to never have to return.  Unfortunately the world doesn't stay still or wait for me.  I get behind and freak out that I'm drowning in lapses of judgement, medication and state help.

I've suffered long enough

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Guilt and Shame

Who or what do I feel guilty or ashamed about? Explain the situations that led to these feelings.  A lot of self-loathing comes up with this question, and my knee jerk reaction is to immediately curse my self of the past, accusing her of stupidity, weakness and naivete.  The neighbor kids when I was a child exposed me to a lot of no-no things for six year olds.  Pornography.  Explicit acts upon each other.  Locking me under their basement stairs with nothing but a glow in the dark sword and ordering me to kill the spiders there.  Putting me in a dark room while they hide and chant my demise.  I was weak and victimized.  My peers at school were no better, guilting me into doing stupid things and being ostracized at every opportunity.  Teachers did nothing. Some of those girls apologized to me on the last day of school of our senior year.  Fuck y'all, bitches, you're still on my "to kill" list when I snap and hunt down the cunts that made my life a living hell with a five iron and a .22 rifle.  Every flaw was pointed out to me in great detail quite maliciously.  Mostly because we were poor and I couldn't afford the designer fashion shit that made no sense to me at the time anyway.  I was humiliated, assaulted and degraded on a daily basis.  When even at home these hurtful things were reenforced in a violent manner, my self-esteem never got too far off the ground, if at all.  I said the wrong thing, I was wearing something stupid, I wasn't smart enough to brush it off.  I went from a well-adapted child to the social scapegoat, and running away to hide was all I could do to get them to leave me alone.  A girl beat me up on the bus and got away scott-free because she falsely claimed that I had called her a nigger.  What I wouldn't give to call her a nigger to her face now...

Which of these situations have caused me to feel shame, though I had no part in creating them? All of it.  When it's all you know, it's all you can give.

In the situations I did have a part in, what was my motivation, or what did I believe that led me to act as I did? My motivation was to get the fuck outta dodge, did you read that shit up there?! And so the cycle began and has yet to grind to a halt.  I blurt out randomly out loud that "I hate you!" I'm scorning the me that is a child and awkward teenager of course.  I used to hide on the playground so they wouldn't find me, and it didn't always work.  Most of the time I was hunkering down in the library with Michael Pacelli.  He was one of those smart book nerds.  Not even he would risk a friendship with me, so it's no surprise that when the wrong crowd came around they swept me off of my feet into a world of sex, drugs and gangsta rap.  Can't get over my stupidity in the matter, but I suppose that I was so starved for positive peer interaction that I clung to it wherever I found it, including the "tough girls" that were always in the office or violating PINS.

For the record I hate gangsta rap now.

How has my behavior contributed to my guilt and shame? The less you show the less they know.  Running away and finding an escape route of any kind (including drugs and alcohol) has always been priority number one.  It's not so easy with two children I'm struggling to stay in regular, meaningful contact with.  I have horrible guilt in every manner applicable.  Even when technically I shouldn't.  I came within a hair's width of relapsing today, and the morsel of the evening would have been cocaine.  He'll have more tomorrow.  I don't know if I'll be able to say no if/when he offers.

I'm such an asshole. God I'm such a stain.  I just keep fucking up. Again and again
~Ghosty's Gone

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves


How do I identify my individual feelings? Not very easily.  I feel a twist in my gut, as if everything were stained in guilt, despair and anger.  Mostly anger with myself for being too stupid or too awkward.  It's all one big jumble, and I have an enormous difficulty figuring out what's what and why.  I'm pretty sure a + b = c, not q.  Why????

What feelings do I have the most trouble allowing myself to feel? Anger and happiness I suppose.  I have a horrible feeling that when I am at my most content that it will end horribly.  Dread is a good word for it.  And anger makes people do stupid things.  I don't like being out of control.  As exquisitely demonstrated by my father, anger leads to violence, and people in the way get hurt in a very real way.  My most miserable years were under the alcoholic tyrant.  Even when he was sober he was a dick, but at least in a more forgiving manner later on in my teens.  To compensate he imposed little structure or rules, and I ran reckless in the streets.  Smoking pot, dropping acid and ramming around all night.  If I were hungover I would write a note for myself and have him sign it in the morning.  His strange hours allowed for me to be out until four in the morning if I so desired.  Feeling free and guilty for taking advantage of his crazy schedule was something new.  But having a lack of family  to fall back on was the norm at this point.  I don't feel normal.  In fact, I shun it.

Why have I tried to shut off my feelings? Because most of them are negative and painful.  I reserve the right to feel, but I'd rather not feel anything at all sometimes.  Tegratol was a great help with that, but I was a zombie.  Debatable to the fact that I would rather feel nothing. NOTHING.  If you don't light that candle, there will be no shadow.  Drugs made it easier to just let it all go.  Too far of course, but it was nice while it lasted, I'll admit that much.  

What means have I used to deny how I really felt? Dtugs. Duh.  I avoid everything that makes me want to feel, even if it's not checking my mail for days on end.  I miss appointments, I curl up in a little ball of fantasy and dream it all away.  I wish I could stay asleep forever at times, because dreaming is so much better than living, even if they're grotesque nightmares.  A lot of those lately come to think of it...

Who or what triggered a feeling? What was it?  What were the situations?  What was my part in each situation? I'll keep this brief.  The past has a grip on my heart, so in any situation similar I tend to shut down and keep away at all cost.  This has critically damaged my interpersonal relationship skills.  Why bother with people when the pills make me feel better, not them.  Lucky for me, DnD is a game that involves others, otherwise I don't think I'd have any friends.  I don't know what to do with myself when overcome with emotion.  I don't like the sensation, even if it's euphoria.  I cry when I'm angry, and I hate that about myself.  I do NOT like to show weakness to others.  I have a pristine mask on that only a select few see.  I can count them on one hand.

What was my motivation or what did I believe that led me to act as I did in these situations? Escape, escape, escape.  (Hey look at this! Es-kah-pay! Funny, it's spelled the same way as 'escape...') It's an escape artist! FACE MY BLUE WEENY DECK AND DIIIIEEE!!!

Okay, got a little off track there.  See what I mean?

What do I do with my feelings once I've identified them? There is a wonderful quote from a friend ... "Feel, Deal, Heal."  I wish it were that simple.  I can't even figure out what I'm feeling half the time, let alone know how to deal with them.  Thus, drugs.  It's really that simple.

I exist to my needs, to self-oblige.  She is something in me that I despise
~Ghost out

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


What people do I resent?  What led to this resentment? H'okay. So.  This is not a short ordeal.  I resent Doug, Dave, Peter and Amanda (along with Tristan and Jamie).  First up, Amanda. That bitch has been hearing nothing but horrible things about me from Tristan and Jamie, the couple I gave custody over my son to.  I called them on their bullshit, so they served me with an order of protection.  He lied to the police, supposedly I tried to muscle past him in order to see Rowen and threatened to push him down the stairs.  Tell me exactly how that works when he's inside his house and my mother and I the ones standing on the stairs?  This is no light resentment, it's all out fury.  It's been a while since I've felt the glimmerings of hate, but I think (unfortunately) that I still have the capability.  They are in for a rough legal ride.

As for Doug, Peter and Dave... (sighs).  It all started with Mel.  Not to say that everything is her fault (though she played a crucial role), but she is a catalyst of sorts.  She began to date Doug.  Peter (ex-husband), myself, Dave and Blythe were in a romantic polyamorous relationship.  We all lived together in a duplex and we had a wonderful family dynamic.  Those were the best years of my life.

Things went south when Peter and Mel cheated on Doug and I.  With each other.  Doug dropped Mel like a hot potato.  I gave Peter an ultimatum: we work on this relationship that is on the brink of collapse or he packs his shit and gets the fuck out.

He packed his shit and got the fuck out.

I was devastated of course.  This was my high school sweetheart.  True love was supposed to prevail, not to mention we had a ten-month old daughter together.  He tossed it aside as if it were trash.   Since that was the case, I hardly had to think twice when I told him good-riddance.

Doug and I both were at a low, so we did something stupid.  We plastered it on the internet that we were dating now, a sort of Jerry Springer do-si-do.  As predicted, Mel flipped shit and we got a good laugh out of it.  But then...

We started to really like each other.  So we started to date for real.  We thought that we had found happiness through tragedy.  This love had only two conditions: we would keep it casual and that we would always put the friendship first.  We would remain friends no matter what.

Over the months we had a wonderful relationship.  Of course I was still in mourning for the loss of my husband, and on top of that some serious medication changes.  I'm not sure where my head was at the time.  I began to isolate.  Blythe was first to notice and started giving me the cold shoulder as a result.  I went to hug her before we all set off to Oticon that summer and she slapped me away.  "Don't tell me you're going to miss me when you aren't," were her stingy words. 

It got me upset.  I started to isolate more.  Then Dave took notice and hopped on the anti-Carmen wagon.  They tried to do an intervention of sorts.  I begged them to do this another day because I was NOT ready for that, but they kept pushing and pushing.  I left in tears.

At last, Doug jumped on the wagon, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He claimed that he had been cutting and I had been oblivious.  He told me he didn't want to learn to resent me.  Honestly I'm not too terribly sure what exactly I DID to earn his ire.  Yeah, I had sex with other people, WITH his permission because of his anxiety towards sex in general.  Forgivable.  To me anyway.  He started to throw Mike (on-off booty call) in my face and told me how he never was okay with that. 

Sure wish he'd you know... SAID something.

I get evicted as a result.  So now I'm drifting along from person to person, not really giving my full affections for fear of getting burned again.  It's a sad, stupid story, about broken promises and grief.  It gets worse.

Three months later Blythe died of a pulmonary embolism.  I never got to say goodbye or make things right between us, and now I'll never have the chance.  Worse? Even worse?! Dave barred me from the funeral.  That selfish ass put our petty quarrel ahead of respect for his deceased wife.  That's low and childish, and I am angry with it to this day.

Doug hasn't spoken to me in three years.

What institutions do I resent? Why? Right now I am locked horns with DSS about being able to see my son.  Why? It's my fucking son!! I deserve to see him, no matter who he's with! They cannot prove that I was inebriated in his presence.  Ever take anti-psychotics? Yeah, I didn't think so.  It's called narcolepsy, cunt.

What was my motivation, or what did I believe, that lead me to act as I did in these situations? My motivation to completely isolate was that I thought I could run away from my problems by justifying and rationalizing.  Doug told me that I do that, and I hadn't even realized it.  Was he just saying that to try and shock me, or did I truly not accept responsibility?  I'll be damned if I hear that again, so I am vigilant of what I take on as responsibility.  I'm not sure the line between "justified" and "self-loathing" any more. But running away to my own little world was a habit.  I felt safe in someone else's skin. 

How has my dishonesty contributed to my resentments? I never hid my drug use.  It was a once in a while kind of thing, and Doug would just pass it on, as did Dave.  I stole from my mother once, and promptly told her so because I felt so bad about it.  Most of all I think I was dishonest with myself, leading myself to believe that everything was okay.  It's just brain chemistry all out of whack, there is NOT a big problem here.  Apparently it was and I was wrong.  By ignoring it, I only made it worse.

How has my inability or unwillingness to experience certain feelings led me to develop resentments? Peter left me a little damaged in his wake of indifference.  Doug just proved to me that love was most certainly not enough.  I've mentally barricaded myself away from love and tender feelings towards another human being.  The mass majority of people suck, and don't deserve the benefit of a doubt.  I like to be able to trust someone, but how can I when I keep getting stomped on?  Love is a very reserved feeling that I only share with those very, very, VERY close to me.  I've been in two relationships since then, and have not been able to give it my all either time.  Not even Alisha could squeeze the love out of me, and I really cared for her.  I've resigned to the fact that the stove is hot, and it probably always will be.

How has my behavior contributed to my resentments? Isolation? So much worse.  I run away, I escape, I hole up in the bedroom, I push everyone and everything away.  When I get angry I shut down, not lash out.  My father in his own fucked-uptedness showed me that violence is NEVER the answer.  Ever. I don't resent him however, because I have forgiven him.  It's the fresher wounds that are refusing to heal.  The longer I run away, the worse it gets and I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself, especially alone in my head with vague voices and strange shadows that haunt me.

Am I afraid of looking at my part in the situations that caused my resentments? Why? I have fully examined my part in the demise of my family and have determined that a good deal of the fault does lay on me.  But I will NOT be the scapegoat here because there were a good deal of other factors that led to our doom.  I wrote a letter to Dave trying to express this in the most reasonable manner I could.  He told me that I wasn't sincere and that I was a dark stain upon the world that is nothing but a black hole.  So much for that.

How have my resentments affected my relationships with myself, with others and with a Higher Power? Disastrously.  My mental health has deteriorated to level 2 care 24/7.  I cannot stand to thought of myself sometimes.  I don't trust others. In fact, I could give two shits about other people most of the time.  Unless I am invested in them in some way, shape or form, I could care less for humanity.  Whenever I reach out, I get swatted down, so I've largely stopped reaching.  As for my Godself, She is very patient, pushing me out little by little to open up but not give all or nothing.  I understand that in the process of Alchemy that there is a period of isolation needed in order proceed.  It seems as if I am doomed to be alone until I reach ... ... I wish I knew what.

What recurring themes do I notice in my resentments? Hand to stove.  Stove is hot.  Remove hand and nurse your idiot-wounds.  Rinse, wash, repeat.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

Monday, November 19, 2012

Step Four: Searching and Fearless; A Moral Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Am I afraid to work this step? Why? It's a little daunting to delve into the darkest places in myself and be honest about them, but I am NOT afraid.  This needs to happen.

What does it mean to me to be searching and fearless? To be thorough.  To be able to keep going despite my fears.  To truly examine myself in the most brutally honest way possible.

Am I working with my sponsor and talking to other addicts?  I go to every meeting I can, don't I? I am speaking with my sponsor tomorrow morning to get to the heart of my addiction and bring it all to light.  It may sting, it may be too bright, but I have help and I intend to use it.

What other action am I taking to reassure myself that I can handle whatever is revealed in this inventory? All the real friends show up when the shit hits the fan.  I will use this to my advantage and lean on those who are truly loyal to me, just as they can do with me.  Granted, I could count them all on one hand, but my social fears are quelled with that nice small number.

Am I disturbed by the word 'moral?' Why? When I think of the word 'moral,' I think of Christianity, which gives me a knee-jerk reflex of yuck. I don't like being held to society's standards, they are flawed and corrupt.  Not to say that to a degree I am not, but I don't take kindly in being told what to think and how to act.

Am I disturbed by thinking about society's expectations and afraid that I can't, won't, and will never be able to conform to them? Plain and simple: Yes.  Drawn out answer: FUCK society.

What values and principles are important to me? I follow the Wiccan Rede: an it harm none, do as ye will.  Of course this forces me to examine exactly what the word "harm" means, but that is more of a day-to-day comparison, as each situation is different.  To cause the least harm I can is sometimes how it has to be.  The lesser of two evils so to speak.  To live true to myself is my ultimate goal.

In the silhouette of silence, cry, cry crow

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Step Four: Motivation

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Do I have any reservations about working this step?  What are they? I suppose this will show me just how honest I really am to myself.  I'm witnessing liars that are so good at it they believe themselves.  I would do anything to make sure that I never put myself in that compromised position ever again, especially if it involves either of my children.

What are some of the benefits that could come from making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself? No more blind spots.  I will expose every flaw within myself and rigorously examine how it benefits me or hinders me.  I'm ready to see what kind of failure or success I might be.

Why shouldn't I procrastinate about working this step? The longer I run away from it, the worse it is going to be.  I have wonderful people in my life that are willing to go to almost any length to help me, and I'll be damned if I squander it again.

What are the benefits of not procrastinating? rip a band-aid off, don't squelch it. It will hurt less that way.

I'm almost impatient in preforming this inventory.  Even if it hurts, even if I have to trace back every wrong to its source.  I'll bleed for this, but it's time for the bad-toxic-juju to hit the curb, and hard.

You take but cannot be given, you ride but cannot be ridden

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Pills and Bills


It would be easy.

Just a phone call away.

I could walk away from my son, and though I'd regret it for the rest of my life, it is convenient.  I can't let Tristan lie about me any more.  I'm putting my foot down.  And I'm doing this sober.  I'm submitting weekly drug tests to prove that I am clean and then he can place his lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly.

The urge to relapse however, is very strong.

One. Phone call. Away.

At least my money isn't going towards drugs anymore.  I don't know how I managed, I'm up to my ears in debt at this point.  I have legal this, lawyer that, notarize this, witness that.  I'm getting overwhelmed at a quick pace, but this is for Rowen.  He deserves the best, and though my cousin Alex is interested in at least trying to take him, everything is in the air.  I couldn't be in a worse position to fight in court.  I won't take their bullshit anymore.  I'm going to use this anger properly, to positive ends.

These lawyers are going to eat you alive, Tristan.  I have some of your blood still you know.  Expect a hexing, and soon.

Lighting up the sky electric blue!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Step Three: Moving On

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the Goddess as we understood Her.

Do I have any reservations about my decision to turn my will and my life over to the Goddess' care?  At first I did.  I wasn't ready to let anything go, my addiction least of all.  I like to know what the hell is going on from all angles before I act on something, but I often stall in order to not make a decision at all.  By turning over, I can take cues on when to act and when to keep silent.

Do I feel that I am ready to turn it over? After a long hard think about it involving drawing out soul maps and reality interpretations, I think I have found a comfortable niche in my mind where I can leave things in my Goddess' hands.

How does my surrender in the First Step help me in the Third Step? It's a very similar sensation, as surrendering what you are powerless over isn't very far off from surrendering those things that I'm powerless over to the Goddess.

What action do I plan to take to follow through on my decision?  How does working the remainder of the steps to fit into this? Conscious meditation, preferably daily.  I have to figure out a way to make that a habit...

It took some serious thinking on my part, but I have finally found a Higher Power that fits into my schema of the Universe.  I'm ready for the next few steps.

If I were twice the man I could be, I'd still be half of what you'd need

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Step Three: Spiritual Principles

We made a decision to turn or will and our lives over to the care of the Goddess as we understood Her

What am I doing to reinforce my decision to allow my Higher Power to care for my will and my life? Offerings and meditations mostly.  I keep having to remind myself that all the trials in my life are lessons waiting to be learned.  And the learning never truly ends.

How does the Thrid Step allow me to build on the surrender I've developed in Steps One and Two? By defining what I believe to be a Higher Power (not THE Higher Power), I find it a bit easier to relate and abide by Her.  There are many things that I don't know, and I'm beginning to accept the fact that I don't have all the answers, and I probably never will.

In what ways have I demonstrated willingness in my recovery so far? I still go to meetings every night I can.  I keep an open mind, and listen carefully, even if it's some old guy that won't shut up for half the meeting.  I'm reading a lot lately, and the more I look inward, the more I realize that surrender and willingness go hand in hand.

Am I fighting anything in my recovery?  What do I think would happen if I became willing to let recovery prevail in that area of my life? I'm still not doing this for ME.  I'm doing it for my children.  If I cared enough about myself I would make myself a priority.  I'm pretty sure once I let go of this delusion of martyrdom, I'll have no problem being "clean and serene."

How have hope, faith and trust become positive forces in my life? With this level of anxiety lately, these are calming words I can use to settle down and think (or not think).  She sees All-That-Is, and can better guide me because Her view is not linear.  Trusting in that is a monumental task, but one I am willing to undertake.

What further action can I take to apply the principles of hope, faith and trust in my recovery? Apply them to other areas in my life besides recovery.  Recovery is a mountain on my plate right now, but there are certainly other slices of the pie to sample...

What evidence do I have that I  can trust confidently in my recovery? Well I finally have thirty days, right??

What have I done recently that demonstrates my commitment to recovery and to working a program? I've accepted service positions for two meetings a week.  If I could get the damn faub key from Justin then I won't have to call Elaine up to let us in the church.  I'm working hard to accept responsibility; if I have that, I am more likely to  follow through on my sobriety.

When the lights all went out we saw our lives on the screen.  I hate the ending myself, but it started out with an alright scene...
~Ghost strikes again!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Step Three: Turning It Over

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the Goddess as we understood Her

What does the "care of" mean to me? It's like having someone hanging on to your mail for you.  It is our responsibility to retrieve it from the care of the Goddess, but some messages from Her we may not be entirely ready to hear.  It's a whisper: "Relax.  Act in accord and everything will work out.  I got this."

What does it mean for me to turn my will and my life over to the care of the Goddess of my understanding?  My Godself knows every possibility across dimensions beyond my physical understanding.  I need to grimace and let external forces not bother me so much.  If there is nothing I can do about it, then it's up to the Godself to show me which outcome will be the most successful in making me a productive member of society.

How might my life be changed if I make the decision to turn it over to my Higher Power's care? Asking the Godself to make decisions for me is useless.  She is a guide, a mediator and will give advice with insight I just don't have.  If I don't act in accord of my Will, I won't get anything I need or want.

How do I allow my Higher Power to work in my life? I have to stop and think instead of going off the deep end.  Speak ye little and listen ye much.  I have to pause, take a deep breath and ask my Goddess what She thinks is the best route.  I do this best with divination tools, but all I really have to do is listen to the language of my Heart.

Have there been times when I have been unable to let go and trust the Goddess to care for the outcome of a particular situation?  Describe. When I don't listen to my intuition, I get into trouble.  I have to stop letting my boredom and my loneliness make decisions for me.  Neither of them are conducive of a healthy, happy life.  Alisha.  Airian.  Tristan.  Jamie.  One big hot mess *sighs*

Have there been times when I have been able to let go and trust the Goddess for the outcome?  Describe.  When I see a divination of mine turning south, I remind myself that the future is fluid and that I can change it.  Or rather allow my Godself to help.  She sees a lot more than I do, thus has a better perspective.

How do I take action to turn it over?  Are there any words I say regularly?  What are they? Behold for I was with you from the beginning.  If what you seek is not within you, you will never find it without.

I don't think that She is hardcore against drugs or alcohol, but because if my inability to practice moderation, it is best for me that that I walk away from substance all together.  I can always go back to it (if I would like my misery refunded), but just for today, I'm gonna take a break from it all.

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Step Three: The God of our Understanding

We  made a decision to turn our lives and our will to the God of our understanding

Does the word "God," or even the concept itself, make me uncomfortable?  What is the source of this discomfort? Immensely uncomfortable.  Most people identify "God" in a Judeo-Christian mindset.  As a Wiccan, I find this distasteful. 

Have I ever believed that God caused horrible things to happen to me or was punishing me?  What were those things? Not God/dess per say, but I do believe in the concept of kharma.  If I was being punished in some way, shape or form it was because of my own doing, not because I was being judged by a Power that I don't share views on.  The law of return is what I believe in, and by stealing, lying and doing anything for my next fix, the only thing I need to answer to is myself.

What is my understanding of a Power greater than myself today? I believe that the soul can be broken down into several layers, all simultaneously existing within and without me.  Past the physical self and the Ego there is a line of unconsciousness that connects us to every living being the further into the unknown we go.  There is a Godself that is closest to the Fractal of Life, or All-That-Is.  This aspect of myself can see life not in a linear sense, but an all encompassing knowledge of what was, what is and what will be, and has a Will to guide me in the best direction for growth and awareness.  All this not just in Recovery, but in all my human experiences.

How is my Higher Power working in my life? By allowing Her to reach down and nudge me on occasion (or swat me with the clue bat), I allow Her to speak and act through me.  I find this presence is the strongest in Twilight State or a deep dream experience.

How do I communicate with my Higher Power? Meditation, listening, speaking less, understanding what makes me Me.

How does my Higher Power communicate with me? Omens mostly.  Sometimes through other people riding on the same fractal I am.  Sometimes by lightning strike Eurika!!  Other times through dreams or animals.  Happenings that are not just coincidences.  These are Magickal Events.

What feelings do I have about my Higher Power? Curiosity of course.  I want to know the exact truth about the nature of the Universe and how I relate to that.  I want to get to know Her better, but in order to do so I need to be calm, grounded and centered.  She makes me feel safe but also lights a fire under my ass to motivate me on occasion.  She knows what I need, not necessarily what I want.

Am I struggling with changing beliefs about the nature of my Higher Power?  Describe.  Putting Her into a 12 step schema took a little bit of thinking on, but I think I have it.  And I could be wrong.  That's okay.

Is my current concept of a Higher Power still working?  How might it need to change? I think I'm onto something here...

I wander around where you can't see, inside my shell I wait and bleed


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Step Three: Self-Will

We made a decision to turn out will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him

Have I acted on Self-will?  What were my motives? My self-will is often centered in instant gratification.  Not to imply that ALL decisions I make on self-will are bad, just often clouded by impatience and anxiety.

How has acting on my Self-will affected my life? A mixed bag here.  Sometimes I get so eager for something that I'll spend more money to get it sooner for no real reason other than impatience.  Other times I'll act recklessly or participate in risky behavior. 

How has my Self-will affected others? I was called selfish a few times by an ex of mine.  It didn't matter what others thought, if I wanted it I was going to go to any length to get it, even putting the opinions of those I love aside as if they were nothing.  This is not always the case, but I can definitely understand where she was coming from.

Will pursuing my goals harm anyone? How? I'm proud to say that the answer to this question is a resounding no.  I want to publish my novel and live comfortably for the rest of my life so I can focus on other leisure like painting, traveling and gaming.  No one will get hurt in this process.  And I have no desire to change that.

In the pursuit of what I want, is it likely that I will end up doing something that adversely affects myself or others? Explain. My wants are in the moment, that second and demanding of full attention.  If I act too quickly, it may put me at a disadvantage.  Sometimes others get swept up in it, much like my ex.  I'm a difficult person to live around, mostly because I have no faith or trust in humanity.  That and I'm really fucking lazy.  Once I put my mind to something it will get done come hell or high water, to hell with anyone else. 

Will I have to compromise my values to reach this goal? I have but one moral code: An it harm none, do as ye will.  I also like the idea of the Black Heart of Innocence in the Feri traditions.  I fall back a lot on the definition of "harm," and practice it every day.  I will not break my code willingly, even though self-harm is just as valid as harming anyone else.  There is no "better me than you."  Harm is simply that: harm.  And I will attempt to swim though the waters of life and try not to disturb that which is thriving around me.

Describe the times when my will hasn't been enough.  In matters of using my will has almost never been enough.  I've passed on the bowl for three weeks now on my own, but I wouldn't doubt that my Higher Power had something to do with that.  I don't have a solid place to stand on in order to face conflict as a part of my personality disorder.  I'm just going to have to swallow my pride, suck it up and ask for help.  After all, the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel.

What is the difference between my will and "God's" Will? The Godself operates in more dimensions than we do, and can thus see the universe without the illusion of "time."  She knows better, because she has seen every outcome possible and is willing to guide me through the path that brings a measure of success and happiness.  Because I cannot see what She can, my perspective has blind spots.  If I stumble through blind I'm sure to come across difficulty that I cannot handle.  I need to be respectful and open to my Godself.  She can see what I cannot, and can walk me through any situation with the best outcome.  I have to allow Her to, or She is useless to me.

Have there been times in my recovery in which I slowly take back my will without thinking?  What alerted me?  What have I done to recommit myself to the third step? Any time I fall back into old thinking and hoarding my will, a meeting can always bring my attention back onto my recovery and what my Godself has to say about it.  If I don't go to meetings, I forget that I'm supposed to be on the lookout for warning signs and realize that my heart has closed up.  My Godself speaks in the language of the heart, so I need to open it up and speak and understand it.

Now that I have a decent idea of what my Higher Power is, a lot of anxiety has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Pat told me that I didn't have to define it, but I like to know as much as possible about the Unseen.  It's my insatiable curiosity -- I can't help but to want to know the "why" or the "how."  Once I have something solid to fall back on, surrendering my will to my Will seems a lot easier.


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Step Three: Making a Decision

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him

Why is making a decision central to working this step? In order to have life run relatively smoothly, one cannot stop the tide or flow of a moving body of water.  It is important to bend, flex and move with the current, or forever bash your head against a brick wall.  Once I decide that my Higher Self knows better than I do and will do what it can in order to open my eyes to recovery, I am under no obligation to commit to more than a few bites of it at a time.  My sponsor told me once that we don't have to explain or understand it.  Just know that it can restore sanity if you're willing to work for it and it has your best interest at heart.

Can I make this decision just for today?  Do I have any fears or reservations about it?  What are they? I'm not a big fan of assigning gender to a force that is above such labels, but I get that this Higher Power is made of the Divine Stuff of the Universe much like us humans, but uncarnate.  My reservations stem from a very large trust complex.  I can't even trust myself, what does THAT say about me?  Jeez...

What action have I taken to follow through on my decision? If I ever get this ritual out of my head and into action, there will be a lot of purification, destruction and rebuilding.  Like rearranging the tetris blocks of my being into a more stable, score jacking format.  This will take much meditation and a good deal of Journeying.   I'm ready for it.

What areasof my life are difficult for me to turn over? Nothing. Take it all, Godself, I don't want it.  Nudge me in the right direction if You so choose.  I can't drop all of my responsibilities, but I can have a little peace of mind knowing that if I listen very closely, I will receive a reply in some shape or form.

Why is it important that I turn them over anyway? Can't carry the world on my shoulders anymore.  Everybody wants a piece of me, everybody can kiss my fat white ass.  I don't need to be worrying over every stupid thing that comes my way, even if its way out of my control.  Work with the flow, not against it.  And of course be careful what you wish for.  It just might come true.

I think it's kind of funny, I find it rather sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Bars and Scars


There is a certain allure to being out of our minds in such a manner that feels good, or at least an offer of the relief from life in general.  It's what sucks us in and spits us out, and chew on our souls all over again.  There is a price for all of this of course, and it seems we will go to any length or overcome any obstacle in place in order to continue to feel "better" or "well."

An illusion of course.

I don't think drugs are as bad as our feeble government makes them out to be.  Who are they to tell me what I put inside of my body? We are not babies.  We can learn from our own mistakes, thank you, not yours.

However, I am not one that keeps the balance very well.  Temperance is often passed my ability to practice.  So despite my resentment, I continue in my recovery the best I can.  I can do this without rehab, without juggling my prescriptions (or abusing them), driving myself insane and without looking back to relapse.  My will is set.  Though my mind is always a fog of chatter and the itty-bitty-shitty-committee, I suppose my state of mind falls into the mental health community's hands.

Still contemplating calling "BULLSHIT" but hey, we take what we can get, reap what we sew and step back into the cycle of life, fully intending not to run away, but participate with zeal.

All the pieces don't fit, but I really didn't give a shit.  I never wanted to be like you, but for all I aspire I am really a liar and I'm running out of things I can do.
Ghost out

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Step Two: Moving On

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

What action can I take that will help me along in the process of coming to believe? There is a habit I am trying to establish that involves meditation every day with the Earth and Her fertility.  There are things out there that I cannot explain.  There are things that are bigger than anything I could possibly think up.  Using them to my advantage is acknowledging that I am both supremely important and infinitely small.  Something drives us forward, and I want to experience that Something.

What am I doing to work on overcoming any unrealistic expectations I may have about being restored to sanity? Being humble and realistic is key.  My insanity is more than just my addiction, and having that sanity restored is a big order, involving lots of counseling and anti-psychotics.  I won't overcome this just like that, or by myself.

What is my understanding of Step Two? Possibilities.  Nothing I have to understand right at the moment, but I have to accept that there is something that can help me, and cares about my well being.  What this thing is though, I am having a hard time defining.

How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step? If anything, it has hindered.  I don't believe in a face in the sky that bears down on your sins and will send you to an awful place if you don't believe in him.  That's bullshit.  But unfortunately the Judeo-Christian pantheon fits a little too well in these steps.  They were obviously written by Christians.  But to take an alternative view on such things forces me to think, and hard, about what I believe and what I don't believe.

I have eight days clean today.  Its rough, but I might be able to pull this off.  I'm the Ghost on the Couch.  I am aware.  And now, motivated.

I won't let you fall apart
~C out