Monday, September 24, 2012

Step Two: Hope and Insanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

What do I have hope for today?  I hope I get to see my daughter more than a few hours at a time.  I hope that I can throw myself 100% into recovery.  I hope that I can be a mother, daughter, sister, aunt or just plain Carmen.  Is that so much to ask?

Did I believe that I could control my using?  What were some of my experiences with this, and how were my efforts unsuccessful? I used to think that getting high was just a bonus to relieving my back pain.  Then I started using it just to feel high and numb, or to get some comfortable sleep.  I tried to have a friend regulate how much I used, and because he was an addict too it didn't work for shit.

What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? I left my daughter in the care of a neighbor -- a STRANGER -- to get high on some shrooms.  I'm very ashamed of doing that for the sake of getting high.  Thank the gods that nothing bad happened.

Did I put myself in dangerous situations to obtain drugs? If snorting two morphine at a time isn't dangerous then I don't know what is.

Did I behave in ways of which I'm not ashamed?  What were those situations like? Getting fucked up and assholing  the town was fun.  I liked it.  In social situations I rarely have shame.  Just guilt.  The difference between the two a mountain and a half.  I'm brash and tactless at times, and the drugs brought that to center stage.  I had a blast, and giving up on that feeling seems like a daunting task.

Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Yeah, with money.  I could barely pay a single bill when I was accepting help from DSS, and yet I repeatedly bought opiates from others.  I'd put off everything in order to get high.  I scared my daughter by not being able to wake up one time.  I am very ashamed of that.

Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things interfered with my using? I gained them, unfortunately.  And now in order to see my son, I must interact with them.  That whole "people, places and things" bit is unbearable.  Now that I must cut ties with things that encouraged me to use, I'm finding it difficult to find someone to relate with that is clean.

Did I ever physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction? I gave myself a concussion once.  I probably damaged my liver.  Other than that, violence was never tolerated, which led me to believe that I indeed have control.  I couldn't have been wronger.

How have I overreacted or underreacted to things? I rarely overreact, but underreact to a frightening degree.  I just didn't care.

How has my life been out of balance? HAHAHA.  The juggle of life has put an enormous pressure on my conscience.  Money has always been an impossible thing to deal with, and I feel like whenever I was high that I was sacrificing time with my daughter.  And now I've paid the price for it.

In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or some all my problems?  Using drugs?  Compulsive gambling, eating, or sex seeking? Something else? Drugs and eating, otherwise I wouldn't be so goddamned fat.  Those things comfort me, and nothing matters when those urges are obliged.  I must remember the Charge of the Goddess: "If that which you seek is not within you, you will never find it without."

Is part of my insanity the belief that the symptom of my addiction (using drugs or some other manifestation) is my only problem? Shit no, I've got more psych issues than Heath Ledger sometimes.  I'm try8ing to get my brain reigned in so it stops going off of wild tangents of guilt, hallucinations and fear.  Sometimes I feel powerless over these mental issues.  I wish I could drain my brain of these awful thoughts.  If that's not insanity than shoot me now.

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew that the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking about beforehand?  What made us go ahead? INSTANT GRATIFICATION.  I'm impatient and unwilling to  wait for the simplest of things.  The microwave.  The money.  The booze.  The pills.  Social interaction.  Gods, I am the definition of insane sometimes.  I feel like I haven't gotten mine and that all I've been doing for the past three years is waiting.  I'm not going to wait anymore, at least not for the healthy things in my life. 

These questions hurt me to answer and I can see why.  Insanity dominates my life, and I thought I'd found the answer in drugs.  I was wrong.

Such a lonely day, it's a day I'm glad I survived...
~C out

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