Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Step One: Surrender

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives have become unmanageable

What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything?  Surrender involves a lot of trust on my part, and lately I haven't been able to trust anyone as far as I can throw them (and with a bad back I'll be lucky to lift them off the ground).  If I am to rest my troubles on ... whatever I'm surrendering to ... I would find myself feeling rather stupid, as if it were to solve anything.

What convinces me that I can't use successfully anymore? Success is NOT a word I would use anywhere NEAR my addiction.

Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence? Now that's a depressing thought.  Pour me a fucking shot, I don't think I can do both...

Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender? It depends on the object of surrender.  I'm not exactly a Jesus-freak, so the Judeo-Christian options are out of the question.  Looks like I have a lot of thinking to do on this whole surrender business.  Surrender and Powerlessness seem to go hand in hand.  So who really has the power? Not me, you'd better believe it...

What would my life be like if I surrendered completely? I'd pay the price for freedom.  Can't have my cake and eat it too.  (holy shit there are BROWNIES downstairs and I just got slapped upside the head with munchies.  Pardon for a moment...)



WELL. Now that THAT'S done...

Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender? :-/ hmmmmm.  So if I'm not wearing the Big Girl pants ... who is?  I've taken it away from the drugs and made it separate of myself ... I need a Step Two book or something.  DAMN YOU WICCA. (I didn't mean that Inanna, I swear).

Looks like surrender and me don't get along so well.  A worthy obstacle to overcome.  This shit was getting too easy anyway.


Try to fill the spaces in between
~C (as in COKE)  get it? coke instead of cookie? with... the monster-- oh for fucks sake.  *shoves foot in mouth*

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