Saturday, September 15, 2012

Step One: Despair and Isolation at Rock Bottom

We admitted that we were powerless against our addiction; that our lives have become unmanageable.

What crisis brought me to recovery? I was caught palming my pills.  Lawrence house immediately wanted me to go to rehab.  Yeah, fat chance.  I did however agree to meet them halfway and go to NA meetings.  My sincerity was in question at first.

What situation led me to finally work Step One?  I found a sponsor, and quick.  Elaine is such a wonderful woman that she bought me the books.  I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to do it right.  I can't fuck this up just like I fucked everything else up.  Dick in the hornet's nest so to speak.

When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it?  If so, how? If not, why not? I stole several morphine from my mother once, and I stopped myself after the fact and with horror reiterated to myself over and over again that I STOLE FROM MY MOTHER  Unacceptable.  This was about four years ago.  I admitted to being an addict long before I actually believed it.  Then I simply justified that yes, I was an addict, but a functioning one.  I wasn't thinking about drugs non stop until Rob tried to pay his rent with seventy vicodins and I accepted.  I was stoned for two months strait.  How the fuck do I raise a kid that way?!  It was very wrong of me, and I struggle with guilt on the regular.  In short, I didn't have the slightest motivation to actually take recovery seriously. 

I would be lying if I said I  was doing this for myself.  That's what you're supposed to do, but I do it  for Serenity.  She is my world, my child, and nothing can stop the tide of love I feel for her.  Mama loves you, Zen.  Don't ever forget it.

The day the whole world went away
~C out

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