We admitted that we were powerless against our addiction; that our lives have become unmanageable.
What crisis brought me to recovery? I was caught palming my pills. Lawrence house immediately wanted me to go to rehab. Yeah, fat chance. I did however agree to meet them halfway and go to NA meetings. My sincerity was in question at first.
What situation led me to finally work Step One? I found a sponsor, and quick. Elaine is such a wonderful woman that she bought me the books. I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to do it right. I can't fuck this up just like I fucked everything else up. Dick in the hornet's nest so to speak.
When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not? I stole several morphine from my mother once, and I stopped myself after the fact and with horror reiterated to myself over and over again that I STOLE FROM MY MOTHER Unacceptable. This was about four years ago. I admitted to being an addict long before I actually believed it. Then I simply justified that yes, I was an addict, but a functioning one. I wasn't thinking about drugs non stop until Rob tried to pay his rent with seventy vicodins and I accepted. I was stoned for two months strait. How the fuck do I raise a kid that way?! It was very wrong of me, and I struggle with guilt on the regular. In short, I didn't have the slightest motivation to actually take recovery seriously.
I would be lying if I said I was doing this for myself. That's what you're supposed to do, but I do it for Serenity. She is my world, my child, and nothing can stop the tide of love I feel for her. Mama loves you, Zen. Don't ever forget it.
The day the whole world went away