Saturday, September 15, 2012

Step One: Reservations

We admitted that we were powerless against our addiction; that our lives have become unmanageable. 

Step One: Reservations

Have I accepted the full measure of my disorder? Probably not.  I know that whenever I'm in a doctor's office I feel the want to manipulate my way into pain pills.  I have not explored every angle of the desire to be clean yet.  Now would be a good time, right? Har-dee-har-har.

Do I think I can still associate with the people connected to my addiction? Can I go to the places I have used at?  I think I am very fortunate to have friends also in recovery around here.  I don't think I should go over to my ex's anymore -- she always has a bowl lit and ready.  I cannot say no when she offers.

Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind" me or test my recovery? If I do that, I'll use! Of course not!  Tempting, but the answer is definitely no.  If it's there, I can't stop myself, consequences be damned.

Is there something that I don't think I can get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use in order to survive the hurt? There are two emails that I have yet to open.  One is from Doug, the other from Blythe.  For the record, Blythe is dead and our last words were exchanged in anger.  Doug was my ONE, and once he sided with Blythe's husband Dave, it was over.  I never want to open those emails, for fear of knowing for sure that I am hated by at least three people.  And that's not my mental illness talking, I've been told to my face that I was hated.  I don't think I can get past this monumentous hurdle without a pick-me-up of some kind.

Do I think that with a certain amount of clean time that I could go back to using and be able to control it? I want to say yes, but my heart knows better: no fucking way.  I'll just pick up where I left off and set the cycle going all over again.  Pass on that, thanks.

What reservations am I still holding on to? To admit powerlessness seems like some kind of justification to use.  "Well I can't help it, I'm an addict!"  May I be slapped should I ever use that excuse.  As a Pagan, coming to terms with something about yourself that you are not in control of is a very serious problem. Any problems that come my way I usually have caused myself.  No one is in the driver's seat but me.  To admit that the drugs are in the driver's seat and not me is a very scary concept.  Not all otherworldly beings are nice, and some feed on the chaos that addiction causes.  Powerless over them?  That's like asking if vultures circling you was your own fault.  Pft.

Shame on us, doomed from the start, Gods have mercy on our dirty little hearts

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