Sunday, September 16, 2012

Step One: Powerlessness

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives have  become unmanageable

Step One: Powerlessness

Over what exactly am I powerless over? My craving for seretonin or dopamine.  My brain simply cannot handle this level  of stress, so I helped it out with opiates.  It worked ... for a while.

I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery.  What were they? I've stolen money, had my girlfriend bring home narcotics from her private nursing job, I've passed on my habit to her and seriously considered abortion of my second child (I ended up not doing it, long story maybe for some other post).

What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values? Lie cheat and steal of course.  I have broken the Wiccan Rede by dealing harm to myself above all else.

How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? I get mellow on downers and productive on uppers.  I'm more social and less anxious.  The come down however never seemed to be worth it, though time and again I turned back to it, just to stop shaking or thinking about ending my life.

Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How? I've manipulated doctors endlessly for vicodins and morphines.  I'll play the pain card in order to get more from friends.  Sometimes this is a legitimate cause of using, but that is not always the case.

Have I tried to quiet using and found that I couldn't?  Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were those times like? I can say yes to all of it.  I've lost a piece of my soul three years ago, and I haven't retrieved it yet.  I think about death on the regular, then turn to drugs to stop being so stupid; ironically worsening my problem.

How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others? I'm not too sure.  No one has really come out and judged me for my addiction.  I didn't really start until the shit hit the fan three years ago, and that's when I really let loose and used until I couldn't feel anything at all.

Compromising my values and morals is my greatest regret in this roller coaster of emotion and using.  It's like a big middle finger to my Higher Self.  And that is the stupidest thing I could do.

I just end up getting burned again by myself (MYSELF) I ask why, but in my mind I find I can't rely on myself


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