We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives have become unmanageable.
Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been? Some times I reason with the fact that I am severely mentally ill. I'll upplay it if I feel I've done something stupid.
Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times? I used to compulsively pick at my skin. I mean really dig in and bleed copious amounts. I ruined shirts with sleeves, been ashamed to wear something without sleeves and I just couldn't stop. This was something called Dermatilamania, an obsessive compulsive behavior. Right now i have a handle on it, but I won't deny that vicodin really curbed that urge.
How have I blamed other people for my behavior? The biggest mistake of my life was walking out on an intervention for my isolation. I recoiled like a stretched out slinky. All I wanted was space, and I was incredibly frustrated that nobody neither understood it nor respected that need.
How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if i don't compare it to anyone else's? I would always compare myself to my father, destroyer of two marriages and two childhoods, mine and my sister Jessica. I swore I'd never get so fucked up that I couldn't walk, or puke first thing in the morning or stink of pot and booze. I never got "that bad," but I didn't get much better either.
Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better? Plagued is a really good word for that. I feel I have failed at being a mother, a teacher and a student. I should have seen this coming from miles out.
Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand? That may have been a concern at some point. Not sure when, but it was there.
Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others think? Fuck what everyone else thinks, I just wanna get out of this hole I'm in, and it won't be unscathed, that's for sure. And I don't even want to look at the wreckage of my life. I'd rather just shovel it out, baby and bathwater alike, just so I can start all over again.
How could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change, it's different now