Thursday, September 13, 2012

Step One: Denial

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives have become unmanageable. 

Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior?  What have they been? Some times I reason with the fact that I am severely mentally ill.  I'll upplay it if I feel I've done something stupid.

Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way?  When were those times? I used to compulsively pick at my skin.  I mean really dig in and bleed copious amounts.  I ruined shirts with sleeves, been ashamed to wear something without sleeves and I just couldn't stop.  This was something called Dermatilamania, an obsessive compulsive behavior.  Right now i have a handle on it, but I won't deny that vicodin really curbed that urge.

How have I blamed other people for my behavior? The biggest mistake of my life was walking out on an intervention for my isolation.  I recoiled like a stretched out slinky.  All I wanted was space, and I was incredibly frustrated that nobody neither understood it nor respected that need.

How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction?  Is my addiction "bad enough" if i don't compare it to anyone else's? I would always compare myself to my father, destroyer of two marriages and two childhoods, mine and my sister Jessica.  I swore I'd never get so fucked up that I couldn't walk, or puke first thing in the morning or stink of pot and booze.  I never got "that bad," but I didn't get much better either.

Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean?  Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better? Plagued is a really good word for that.  I feel I have failed at being a mother, a teacher and a student.  I should have seen this coming from miles out.

Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand? That may have been a concern at some point.  Not sure when, but it was there.

Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction?  Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others think? Fuck what everyone else thinks, I just wanna get out of this hole I'm in, and it won't be unscathed, that's for sure.  And I don't even want to look at the wreckage of my life.  I'd rather just shovel it out, baby and bathwater alike, just so I can start all over again.

Rough shit. 
How could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change, it's different now

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