Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Step One: Unmanageability

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives have become unmanageable

What does unmanageability mean to me? that things are out of my control, despite my best efforts.

Have I ever been arrested of had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? No, but I could have been.

Hae I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught?  What were they? Ohhhh yeah.  not just the drugs, but vandalism, neglect, trespassing among other things.

What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction? I have been unable to work since 2009, when everything fell apart and my drug use became out of my control.

What trouble have I had with my family as aresult of my addiction? I avoid most of them like the plague.  But my mother and I have always been close, no matter what.

What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction? Lost trust, gossip and justification.  Viscous cycle and such.

Do I insist on having my own way?  What effect has my insistence had on my relationships? Once I get something in my head, nothing is going to stop me from doing what I'm gonna do without a better reason not to, of which I am hard pressed to listen to.  I aggravate any significant other until they end up leaving.

Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? now I do.  Ever since Doug accused me of justifying everything I've really had to real in the reality of each situation.  What he said really hurt me, and I would have done anything to earn his love back.  I realize that it is futile now.

Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed?  How has this affected my life? I'm overwhelmed over the most simplest of tasks. my anxiety skyrockets so I tend to just ignore the things I'm supposed to do, hoping they won't be just as fucked up as yesterday.

Do I fall apart the minute things don't go accourding to plan?  How has this affected my life? When things don't go according to plan I like to think myself as adaptable.  I can work out a different route of action in a snap.  It takes some juggling sometimes, but if I really want it, nothing can stop me, for better or worse. (usually worse)

Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life? I'm way to laid back and self-defeating to assume that someone would bother to take the time to insult me directly.  I could honestly give a fuck what others think.  Let them waste their time with insults, they are only wasting their energy and hurting themselves.

Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic?  How has this affected my life? Small things can send me over the edge, I'll admit that.  Crisis mode is usually when I isolate, refusing any social gestures to lure me out.  I'm trying to work on working my safety/prevention plan, but it's hard when all I want to do is hide.

Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking that things will work out some how?  Describe. My health is a source of constant stress for me.  I have no problem bitching to a doctor about my state of being, and my children's.  Of course sometimes that motivation is a hope to score more pills...

When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction?  Describe.  My give-a-fuck meter is usually on "nuh-uh." Thus, when things take a real turn for the worse, I lock down, isolate and pretend it's not happening.

Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction?  Describe. Just myself.  I can't justify hurting someone else directly.  The Wiccan Rede states that "an it harm none, do as ye will."  Of course I'm violating it just by hurting myself, but I think it''s better me than others.

Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity?  Describe.  I don't lash out, I lash in.  If anyone is the victim here, it is myself, from myself.

Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings?  What was I trying to change or suppress? Pills make you float on the clouds, with all daily problems a raging soup of despair below me.  I'd do anything to get away from it, though it is often inescapable. 

Most of my problems stem from a deep self-hatred that is a massive hurtle just to think about.  When I am high, I just don't care.  But then I come down and there it is again, demanding my attention to act right this second.  Getting high is my escape route.

...and now you're one of us: THE WRETCHED.
~C outtie

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