Thursday, September 13, 2012

Step One: The Disease

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives have become unmanageable.

What does the "disease of addiction" mean to me? I find it less a "disease" and more a "disorder."  Disease implies that there is a cure, of which there is none when it comes to addiction.  Disorders are manageable, but not curable.  Whatever you call it though, something needs to be done about it.

Has my disease been active lately?  In what way? I'm four days clean, of course it's been active!  Sarah handed me muscle relaxers and I just took them without thinking.  What the fuck is wrong with that picture?

What is it like when I'm obsessed with something?  Does my thinking follow a pattern   Describe:  My thinking is occasionally hijacked by obsession with either fantasy (to escape the stress of 'life on life's terms') or suicidal ideology.  I examine every angle of possibilities, often verbally shooing the opinions of other  voices away.  Especially when I become obsessed with the past.

When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences?  In what other ways do I behave compulsively? I may consider the consequences, but ignore them in favor of immediate gratification.

How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me? I've been told I'm selfish and that I have a justification for anything.  I don't feel this is true, so I guess I tend to yank in the other direction: taking blame even when it's not all my fault.  People probably find me hard to deal with at close proximity because underneath the surface of interest and charisma is a very sick and attention craving demon.

How has my disease affected me physically?  Mentally? Spiritually?  Emotionally? Physically, the only thing that comes to mind is my back.  My addiction has actually helped in managing the pain.  However at the cost of my mental state, which is smooth and mellow while high but violently viscous on the come down.  Spiritually I condemn narcotics because they are synthetic, not natural.  Emotionally I'm a roller coaster of loops and knots.  It sucks.

What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently? Palming pills and calling up people to get stoned with.  Perhaps my loneliness is a driving factor...

Have I been obsessed with a person, place or thing?  If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others?  How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally by this obsession?  I have been obsessed with my novel as of late, isolating long hours to get it just right.  Last I checked, isolation isn't so good for relationships. 

Who'd think that there would be so much to step one?  There's more too, but I'll work on it ONE DAY AT A TIME.  Whoa there Carmen, don't do it all at once!  This is a process, one that takes time.  Relax, wouldja?

I feel like a newborn
~C out

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