Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Step One: Spiritual Principles

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives had become unmanageable


If I've been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else? Sometimes, but not all the time.  I am overwhelmed so much with guilt that sometimes I let it get in the way of my honesty.

Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had freedom from active addiction? Stayed in touch?  This shits all up in my face.  I don't need to touch it, it does plenty of touching on its own.

Have I noticed that now that I don't have to cover up my addiction I no longer need to lie like I did?  Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? I pride myself on my word -- kind, true and necessary.  Integrity is a value of mine that I no longer have to fake.

In what ways have I begun to  be honest in my recovery? Just saying "I'm Carmen and I'm an addict" is a big step in honesty for me to myself. If I fuck up, my sponsor is usually the first to know.

What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor to explain it to me? Ah, here's the tricky bit.  I'm having a snag on this Higher Power bit.  I don't subscribe to a Judeo-Christian worldview.  I'm Wiccan.  That which is "higher" than me is just as much a part of myself as my body is.  What about the "lower" parts of me?  They get a say too, don't they?  My sponsor is not Pagan; she doesn't understand.

In waht ways am I practicing open-mindedness? Just to give this a shot was a huge leap, thinking that people sitting at a table in a church basement drinking stale coffee and old candy could lead me to serenity.  Who'd have known?

Am I willing to follow my sponsor's direction?  Am I willing to go to meetings regularly? Yes. Yes. Yes.  I've been throwing myself at this.  I eat, shit and breathe recovery at this point.  I have to do this.

Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways? Well there is a lot of reading to be hand, but I like it better when gone over in a meeting.  I've started this blog, I've handed pills back to my counselors after palming them, I'm a goddamned nutcase.  And I'm still here.

Do I believe that I'm a monster who as poisoned the whole world with my addiction? I do to some degree, but the more therapy I'm in, the more I realize that I don't have to take all the blame all the time.  Dave would certainly disagree with this, as will Doug, but I'm leaning to tune them out with two middle fingers.

Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me?  Or something in between? I'm a drop of water in the bucket, which is true.  But that bucket needs me and my actions to shape the fate of reality -- it needs everybody's actions. Call it a butterfly causing a hurricane or whatever.  I am both just as important as I am inconsequential. 

Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends?  In society as a whole?   What is that sense? I have a curse.  Everyone I meet either falls madly in love or madly in lust with me.  If I let them in there is immediately tension on my part.  People want a piece of me I cannot afford to muster.  I have a relative disdain for humanity as large.  I may be important to them, but most of the time I could give a fuck.

How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step? Admitting that it was wrong of me to do the things I did in the name of my addiction is humbling in itself.  I got this one.

Have I made peace with the fact that I'm an addict? Working on it.

Have i made peace with the things I'll have to do in order to stay clean? Still working on it.

How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery? Can't fix something if you don't know how it broke in the first place.

Okay, so there are still a few kinks to work out, but this is a process, or so I'm told.  Can't get it all on the first way through.  Thinking about doing this for the rest of my life is daunting at best, but as they say, you have to take it One Day At A Time.  Corny, but it works, and that's the way it goes.

What if all the world around you isn't quite as it seems?
~C

1 comment:

  1. So I have a question that I hope you know the answer to. How much clean time should you have before you put your number on the phone lists?

    ReplyDelete