Saturday, September 22, 2012

Step One: Moving On

We admitted that we were powerless over addiction; that our lives have become unmanageable

How do I know it's time to move on?  I don't.  I've taken a few things to heart and set a few things aside, but all in all if I can stay away from the people, places and things that I am used to using around, I might have a chance at a calmer, more manageable life.

What is my understanding of Step One? Just because you are powerless over something does not mean that you cannot work to change it by taking control of my actions.  Or at the very least the responsibility of it all.  I don't like using the first step as an excuse, and I fear that in the next situation I am exposed to I'll just shrug and say "I'm powerless, oh well.  Let's get smashed!"  It is a monster inside me that needs to be quenched, and its main source of nutrition would have been the drugs.  Now it wants something to fill the void.  And it's impatient.

How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step? I watched my father go to AA meetings after he got out of rehab.  I know a lot about the recovery crowd, and at first I was a little baffled. Now that I'm a part of NA, I see the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. 

I'm beginning to see a change in my behavior towards drugs and those that provide them.  Being friends with my ex is making it very hard to stay clean, and I have relapsed twice with her, but i love being around her when she's not a raging bitch.  son of a bitch, this is hard and I want to give up sometimes.  Then I call Elaine and everything seems a little more manageable, one day at a time.

To rid the disease...

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