Step Two: Restoration to Sanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

What are some things I consider examples of sanity? Being able to hand a crisis or even everyday stress without turning back to old habits: running away.  Reacting on a level that is human.  Feeling things through to the end.

What changes in my thinking and behavior are necessary for my restoration to sanity? Less thinking, more knowing.  More reaction than deflection.  Less justifying, more responsibility.

In what areas in my life do I need sanity now? Interpersonal relationships are almost impossible to maintain.  People expect to much of me, when I expect nothing for them.  My faith in humanity has waned to "don't give a fuck" mode, and its been stuck there for the past three years.

How is restoration a process? "We didn't become addicted in one day so remember: EASY DOES IT." I hear that at every meeting I attend.  I have to believe that it gets better from here, because if this isn't rock bottom I dunno what is.

How will working the steps help me in my restoration to sanity? I don't know, but I can give it a shot.  I'm willing to do anything at this point to curb the chaos that is my life at the moment.  I'm not even sure these steps can help me stay clean, let alone be sane.  My mental illness overshadows a lot in my life now, much like a black hole sucking in stars and shooting the rest out into space.  I'll gather what I can from it, but damn damn DAMN if I can do it alone...

How has sanity already been restared to me in my recovery? It hasn't.  I can barely scrape up a week clean, let alone achieve even a fraction of this serenity everyone is so intent on.  Frustrating...

What expectations do I have about being restored to sanity?  Are they realistic? I want to be able to keep a place without people knocking on my door for money.  I want to keep a clean living environment.  I want to be able to budget the money I have so it doesn't leave me stranded three days after I get it.  Is this so much to ask??

Are my realistic expectations about how my recovery is progressing being met or not?  Do I understand that recovery happens over time, not overnight? Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  Just because I'll get a disability settlement and have enough for a place on my own for once does not mean that I'll be ready for it.  I'm afrad of that fucking money.  Afraid that I'll use it on drugs, and other useless things that I don't need in my life.  I fear waste above all else.

Finding ourselves able to act sanely, even once, in a situation with which we were never able to deal successfully before is evidence of sanity.  Have I had any experiences like that in my recovery? What were they? I can't remember a time in which I was "sane."  I wanted to die by the time I was fourteen.  I've had fantasies of arson and murder.  I've had suicidal dreams and ideation.  I feel trapped in a daze, as if the real world hasn't settled in (whatever that means...).  To achieve sanity through twelve steps seems dubious at best.  I've got baggage.  Big baggage that would cost thousands to ship.  When I can start to let it go a little, I'll be on my way.  Here's hoping that GREATER POWER helps me out a bit, because there is no way in hell I can do this by myself, functioning or not.

I've relapsed several times already.  There is a demon within me that devours any shred of happiness and replaces it with fear, anger and pure panic.  I run away from problems and people, isolating on all fronts until I need to wear a face for someone.  Sarah.  My daughter.  My mom.  Alisha.  Some see through it, some love me for it, others could care less.  I hurt everyone I touch, and not only have been told so, but has been proven correct whenever I try to let someone in.  Expectations are predetermined dissapointments.  I get so low and all I want is a fix to make it go away.  I don't care what it is: booze, smoke, pills... anything.  If I can overcome this fear of myself, then perhaps I can take some baby steps in getting my fucking life together.  (HINT: HEY GREATER POWER, A LITTLE HELP HERE???!)
I'm not as selfish as I used to be.  That was apart of me that never made me proud
~C out

Step Two: A Power Greater Than Ourselves

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 Do I have problems accepting that there is a Power or Powers greater than myself? There are many forces in the universe that are much stronger that I am right now.  Not a lot of them have clear cut answers either.  I don't have any qualms about admitting that my ego is not all powerful, that there are other things out there greater than my addiction, and greater than myself.

What are some things that are more powerful than I am? gravity, light, cycles, nature, All-That-Is, my addiction...

Can a Power greater than myself help me stay clean?  How? That seems to be the idea, but I can only ponder as to why or how.  Perhaps to personally petition a God/dess sounds ... whiny.

Can a Power greater than I am help me recover? How? My father once told me to toss out the brain in the equation and really listen to your heart as a higher power.  The brain is what gets us into trouble in the first place.  If my heart is filled with determination, I can follow that to the bitter ends: jails, institutions and death (oh my), or I can follow it to the serenity of being sober and clean.  I'm told it gets better, but I have yet to understand that with my own eyes yet.

What evidence do I have that a Higher Power is working in my life? I'm going to meetings, aren't I? My life cycle has landed me in some pretty interesting places, none of which has been very helpful until now.  I can trust that my Power can take me to places that give me hope, determination and will.

 What are the characteristics my Higher Power does NOT have? My selves are exactly where they need to be, including those that are in position of recovery from drugs.  Whatever they don't have, I won't need.

 What are the characteristics my Higher Power have? My HGA/Godself is closer to the center of a monad soul.  It can see the bigger picture than my incarnate/middle self.  If recovery is meant to happen at some point in my life, my Godself, closer to All-That-Is and the Divine, it will put me in positions to access the road of recovery.

I have considered taking on the student role to several virgin gods and goddesses, but nothing seems to fit.  I guess I'll have to remain a little vague in my understanding in order to glean meaningful routines in life.

Everything I touch, I break (I wanna break you down)
~C

Step Two: Coming to Believe

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

BELIEVE IT!!

Do I have any fears about coming to believe?  What are they? I already have a strong connection with All-That-Is.  I refuse to call it God do to the negative stigma most Pagans have against the Judeo-Christian, scripture-fucked, intolerance of variance.  Every meeting is uncomfortable, every prayer or tradition I read and replace the word God for Goddess, just to make it clear that I don't subscribe to a naive pyramid of spiritual scam, directed by power hungry men. There is balance.  No good, no evil, simply shades of gray.

Do I have other barriers that make it difficult for me to believe?  What are they? Not really.  Currently I am using what Alister Crowley calls the HGA (holy guardian angel, or the higher, Godself).  Though I am having a hard time to think of it as more powerful than myself...

What does the phrase, "We came to believe..." mean to me? Gods, that sounds like a last resort to me.  But then again, I'm at the end of my rope and this is a sort of last resort.  Okay, you've got me there, NA...

Have I ever believed in something that has no tangible evidence?  What was that experience like? I say no.  What I believe is often proved again and again by metaphysics and a plethora of other scientific study.  I believe that I can manipulate energy in a more streamlined current on my own.  There is no VISUAL evidence, but even some joe off the street can admit that there is something to it all...

What experiences have other addicts shared about coming to believe? Have I tried any of them for myself? Some transcendent face in the sky that loves you to death but will throw you to Hell if you don't think what He thinks doesn't sound plausible in the slightest.  So this being who made Hell just for people He doesn't like is loving enough to guide us poor, dirty souls towards a clean way to live?  Pass.

In what DO I believe? I believe in cycles.  Everything, even human life, has a birth, life, death and rebirth on a regular basis.  The Divine is imminent, within each of us trying to experience reality in an incarnate state one life at a time.  Does this force care about me? Yes and no... we are a conglomerate of souls who can only guide each other in hopes that we are not just random happenstance.

How has my belief grown since coming to recovery? No growth, just observance without judgement. 

This one is gonna be a toughie...

Wake me up when September ends...
~C

Step Two: Hope and Insanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

What do I have hope for today?  I hope I get to see my daughter more than a few hours at a time.  I hope that I can throw myself 100% into recovery.  I hope that I can be a mother, daughter, sister, aunt or just plain Carmen.  Is that so much to ask?

Did I believe that I could control my using?  What were some of my experiences with this, and how were my efforts unsuccessful? I used to think that getting high was just a bonus to relieving my back pain.  Then I started using it just to feel high and numb, or to get some comfortable sleep.  I tried to have a friend regulate how much I used, and because he was an addict too it didn't work for shit.

What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? I left my daughter in the care of a neighbor -- a STRANGER -- to get high on some shrooms.  I'm very ashamed of doing that for the sake of getting high.  Thank the gods that nothing bad happened.

Did I put myself in dangerous situations to obtain drugs? If snorting two morphine at a time isn't dangerous then I don't know what is.

Did I behave in ways of which I'm not ashamed?  What were those situations like? Getting fucked up and assholing  the town was fun.  I liked it.  In social situations I rarely have shame.  Just guilt.  The difference between the two a mountain and a half.  I'm brash and tactless at times, and the drugs brought that to center stage.  I had a blast, and giving up on that feeling seems like a daunting task.

Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Yeah, with money.  I could barely pay a single bill when I was accepting help from DSS, and yet I repeatedly bought opiates from others.  I'd put off everything in order to get high.  I scared my daughter by not being able to wake up one time.  I am very ashamed of that.

Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things interfered with my using? I gained them, unfortunately.  And now in order to see my son, I must interact with them.  That whole "people, places and things" bit is unbearable.  Now that I must cut ties with things that encouraged me to use, I'm finding it difficult to find someone to relate with that is clean.

Did I ever physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction? I gave myself a concussion once.  I probably damaged my liver.  Other than that, violence was never tolerated, which led me to believe that I indeed have control.  I couldn't have been wronger.

How have I overreacted or underreacted to things? I rarely overreact, but underreact to a frightening degree.  I just didn't care.

How has my life been out of balance? HAHAHA.  The juggle of life has put an enormous pressure on my conscience.  Money has always been an impossible thing to deal with, and I feel like whenever I was high that I was sacrificing time with my daughter.  And now I've paid the price for it.

In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or some all my problems?  Using drugs?  Compulsive gambling, eating, or sex seeking? Something else? Drugs and eating, otherwise I wouldn't be so goddamned fat.  Those things comfort me, and nothing matters when those urges are obliged.  I must remember the Charge of the Goddess: "If that which you seek is not within you, you will never find it without."

Is part of my insanity the belief that the symptom of my addiction (using drugs or some other manifestation) is my only problem? Shit no, I've got more psych issues than Heath Ledger sometimes.  I'm try8ing to get my brain reigned in so it stops going off of wild tangents of guilt, hallucinations and fear.  Sometimes I feel powerless over these mental issues.  I wish I could drain my brain of these awful thoughts.  If that's not insanity than shoot me now.

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew that the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking about beforehand?  What made us go ahead? INSTANT GRATIFICATION.  I'm impatient and unwilling to  wait for the simplest of things.  The microwave.  The money.  The booze.  The pills.  Social interaction.  Gods, I am the definition of insane sometimes.  I feel like I haven't gotten mine and that all I've been doing for the past three years is waiting.  I'm not going to wait anymore, at least not for the healthy things in my life. 

These questions hurt me to answer and I can see why.  Insanity dominates my life, and I thought I'd found the answer in drugs.  I was wrong.

Such a lonely day, it's a day I'm glad I survived...
~C out

Drugs and Slugs

Intermission

So I'm a little apprehensive about the next step, but I'm told to worry about it when I get there.  The Higher Power bit is definitely going to be a snag.  I've struggled to stay clean through Step One with marginal success.  Currently handling only days of clean time at any given point is discouraging.  Lots of external forces are streamlining my life into two choices: go back to what I'm comfortable with, get back with Alisha and fuck sobriety, or stay with my current love interests and continue trying to stay clean.

It's hard to break the circle, and I'm sure many fellow addicts can relate to that.  I'm told over and over again that it gets better, serenity will come and thus happiness with my life.  When I still feel strung out and jonesing, it's hard to believe.  Elaine has been wonderful, but I still fall off that wagon repeatedly.

Frustrating. BUT: I think I can do this.  I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone else.  Guilt plagues me, but they don't judge me there. 

I can do this.

This alone you're in time for the show, I'm the one that you need, I'm the one that you loathe
~C

Step One: Moving On

We admitted that we were powerless over addiction; that our lives have become unmanageable

How do I know it's time to move on?  I don't.  I've taken a few things to heart and set a few things aside, but all in all if I can stay away from the people, places and things that I am used to using around, I might have a chance at a calmer, more manageable life.

What is my understanding of Step One? Just because you are powerless over something does not mean that you cannot work to change it by taking control of my actions.  Or at the very least the responsibility of it all.  I don't like using the first step as an excuse, and I fear that in the next situation I am exposed to I'll just shrug and say "I'm powerless, oh well.  Let's get smashed!"  It is a monster inside me that needs to be quenched, and its main source of nutrition would have been the drugs.  Now it wants something to fill the void.  And it's impatient.

How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step? I watched my father go to AA meetings after he got out of rehab.  I know a lot about the recovery crowd, and at first I was a little baffled. Now that I'm a part of NA, I see the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. 

I'm beginning to see a change in my behavior towards drugs and those that provide them.  Being friends with my ex is making it very hard to stay clean, and I have relapsed twice with her, but i love being around her when she's not a raging bitch.  son of a bitch, this is hard and I want to give up sometimes.  Then I call Elaine and everything seems a little more manageable, one day at a time.

To rid the disease...
~C

Step One: Spiritual Principles

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives had become unmanageable

If I've been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else? Sometimes, but not all the time.  I am overwhelmed so much with guilt that sometimes I let it get in the way of my honesty.

Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had freedom from active addiction? Stayed in touch?  This shits all up in my face.  I don't need to touch it, it does plenty of touching on its own.

Have I noticed that now that I don't have to cover up my addiction I no longer need to lie like I did?  Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? I pride myself on my word -- kind, true and necessary.  Integrity is a value of mine that I no longer have to fake.

In what ways have I begun to  be honest in my recovery? Just saying "I'm Carmen and I'm an addict" is a big step in honesty for me to myself. If I fuck up, my sponsor is usually the first to know.

What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor to explain it to me? Ah, here's the tricky bit.  I'm having a snag on this Higher Power bit.  I don't subscribe to a Judeo-Christian worldview.  I'm Wiccan.  That which is "higher" than me is just as much a part of myself as my body is.  What about the "lower" parts of me?  They get a say too, don't they?  My sponsor is not Pagan; she doesn't understand.

In waht ways am I practicing open-mindedness? Just to give this a shot was a huge leap, thinking that people sitting at a table in a church basement drinking stale coffee and old candy could lead me to serenity.  Who'd have known?

Am I willing to follow my sponsor's direction?  Am I willing to go to meetings regularly? Yes. Yes. Yes.  I've been throwing myself at this.  I eat, shit and breathe recovery at this point.  I have to do this.

Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways? Well there is a lot of reading to be hand, but I like it better when gone over in a meeting.  I've started this blog, I've handed pills back to my counselors after palming them, I'm a goddamned nutcase.  And I'm still here.

Do I believe that I'm a monster who as poisoned the whole world with my addiction? I do to some degree, but the more therapy I'm in, the more I realize that I don't have to take all the blame all the time.  Dave would certainly disagree with this, as will Doug, but I'm leaning to tune them out with two middle fingers.

Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me?  Or something in between? I'm a drop of water in the bucket, which is true.  But that bucket needs me and my actions to shape the fate of reality -- it needs everybody's actions. Call it a butterfly causing a hurricane or whatever.  I am both just as important as I am inconsequential. 

Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends?  In society as a whole?   What is that sense? I have a curse.  Everyone I meet either falls madly in love or madly in lust with me.  If I let them in there is immediately tension on my part.  People want a piece of me I cannot afford to muster.  I have a relative disdain for humanity as large.  I may be important to them, but most of the time I could give a fuck.

How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step? Admitting that it was wrong of me to do the things I did in the name of my addiction is humbling in itself.  I got this one.

Have I made peace with the fact that I'm an addict? Working on it.

Have i made peace with the things I'll have to do in order to stay clean? Still working on it.

How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery? Can't fix something if you don't know how it broke in the first place.

Okay, so there are still a few kinks to work out, but this is a process, or so I'm told.  Can't get it all on the first way through.  Thinking about doing this for the rest of my life is daunting at best, but as they say, you have to take it One Day At A Time.  Corny, but it works, and that's the way it goes.

What if all the world around you isn't quite as it seems?
~C