Thursday, October 4, 2012

Step Two: Restoration to Sanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

What are some things I consider examples of sanity? Being able to hand a crisis or even everyday stress without turning back to old habits: running away.  Reacting on a level that is human.  Feeling things through to the end.

What changes in my thinking and behavior are necessary for my restoration to sanity? Less thinking, more knowing.  More reaction than deflection.  Less justifying, more responsibility.

In what areas in my life do I need sanity now? Interpersonal relationships are almost impossible to maintain.  People expect to much of me, when I expect nothing for them.  My faith in humanity has waned to "don't give a fuck" mode, and its been stuck there for the past three years.

How is restoration a process? "We didn't become addicted in one day so remember: EASY DOES IT." I hear that at every meeting I attend.  I have to believe that it gets better from here, because if this isn't rock bottom I dunno what is.

How will working the steps help me in my restoration to sanity? I don't know, but I can give it a shot.  I'm willing to do anything at this point to curb the chaos that is my life at the moment.  I'm not even sure these steps can help me stay clean, let alone be sane.  My mental illness overshadows a lot in my life now, much like a black hole sucking in stars and shooting the rest out into space.  I'll gather what I can from it, but damn damn DAMN if I can do it alone...

How has sanity already been restared to me in my recovery? It hasn't.  I can barely scrape up a week clean, let alone achieve even a fraction of this serenity everyone is so intent on.  Frustrating...

What expectations do I have about being restored to sanity?  Are they realistic? I want to be able to keep a place without people knocking on my door for money.  I want to keep a clean living environment.  I want to be able to budget the money I have so it doesn't leave me stranded three days after I get it.  Is this so much to ask??

Are my realistic expectations about how my recovery is progressing being met or not?  Do I understand that recovery happens over time, not overnight? Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  Just because I'll get a disability settlement and have enough for a place on my own for once does not mean that I'll be ready for it.  I'm afrad of that fucking money.  Afraid that I'll use it on drugs, and other useless things that I don't need in my life.  I fear waste above all else.

Finding ourselves able to act sanely, even once, in a situation with which we were never able to deal successfully before is evidence of sanity.  Have I had any experiences like that in my recovery? What were they? I can't remember a time in which I was "sane."  I wanted to die by the time I was fourteen.  I've had fantasies of arson and murder.  I've had suicidal dreams and ideation.  I feel trapped in a daze, as if the real world hasn't settled in (whatever that means...).  To achieve sanity through twelve steps seems dubious at best.  I've got baggage.  Big baggage that would cost thousands to ship.  When I can start to let it go a little, I'll be on my way.  Here's hoping that GREATER POWER helps me out a bit, because there is no way in hell I can do this by myself, functioning or not.

I've relapsed several times already.  There is a demon within me that devours any shred of happiness and replaces it with fear, anger and pure panic.  I run away from problems and people, isolating on all fronts until I need to wear a face for someone.  Sarah.  My daughter.  My mom.  Alisha.  Some see through it, some love me for it, others could care less.  I hurt everyone I touch, and not only have been told so, but has been proven correct whenever I try to let someone in.  Expectations are predetermined dissapointments.  I get so low and all I want is a fix to make it go away.  I don't care what it is: booze, smoke, pills... anything.  If I can overcome this fear of myself, then perhaps I can take some baby steps in getting my fucking life together.  (HINT: HEY GREATER POWER, A LITTLE HELP HERE???!)
I'm not as selfish as I used to be.  That was apart of me that never made me proud
~C out