Saturday, December 15, 2012

Step Five: Spiritual Principles

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Do I believe that working the Fifth Step will somehow make my life better?  How? Once I come clean about everything in my life that I feel ashamed of, it's like a weight being lifted off of my chest.  The wounds are reopened and raw, but it is time to heal.

What are some of the ways in which I can find the courage I need to work this step? Trust, largely. No longer being ashamed of things that are not my fault is a big step for me.  I feel that I am always a catalyst in every situation I touch.  Sometimes for the better, a lot of times for the worst.  Casting off deception, especially self-delusion, with no holds bar gives me license to feel however its going to make me feel without censorship.

 How does practicing the principle of courage in working this step affect my whole recovery? By uncovering what drove me to use in the first place, be it physical pain or emotional, I can move forward with no regrets.  Its all out on the table now, and the next few steps are going to be unimaginably difficult.  I have to trust my Higher Power will guide me in this delicate stage of recovery.

Have I set a time and place for my Fifth Step? When and where? Done and done.  Elaine went well out of her way in order to give me a conversation with another Wiccan in recovery.  I am very grateful for that opportunity to speak with someone who can relate to my own personal spiritual recovery.  Goddess is a go.

How have I avoided self-honesty in the past?  What am I doing to practice it now? Self-honesty while addicted? Bah! I avoided everything about myself with drugs with a passion.  I can't stand to spend time with myself my self-esteem is so crushed and bruised.  The film reel in my head does nothing but constantly reminding me that I'm a fool and a klutz when it comes to interpersonal relationships.  I now acknowledge it as a part of my life and can reexamine without bias.

How is a more realistic view of myself connected to humility? Humility to accept that the past is unchangeable and is long gone.  I humbly accept the nature of our linear perception of this universe, on a one way street to whatever ends we find after this incarnation is over.  Now its time to let it go.

How does practicing the principle of self-honesty help me accept myself? There's no changing the past, but I can shape my fluid future by not dwelling on things that have happened to me and things that I have made happen to others, with intention or not.

How does sharing my inventory with my sponsor further my commitment to the NA program? Another step down, another to go.  To live in recovery requires vigilance, and the more honest I am, the better I can overcome addiction.

Brenda wants me to become her sponsor.  I'm not really sure how that would work out, because even though I now have sixty days clean, I still feel like I did when I acquired my white keytag.  Hanging on by a thread to my sobriety with pitfalls anywhere I go.  I have to tiptoe around the using in order to not put myself in a position in which I become powerless over it again.  People, places and things. They all have to change, and though I profess change on a regular basis, I find it hard to practice what I preach a lot.  I know what I have to do.  I'm just weighed down with all this shit that makes progress difficult.

Without you is how I disappear

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