Thursday, December 13, 2012

Step Five: The Exact Nature of Our Wrongs

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

How does the exact nature of our wrongs differ from my actions? I don't put in as much as I take in relationships it seems.  There is a fundamental lack of communication once I feel that I don't need to earn love anymore. Once a conflict presents itself my first instinct is to run instead of pounding it out.  I feel attacked when confronted on my wrongs, real or imagined. The exact nature of the wrongs stems from cowardice.

Why do I need to admit the exact nature of my wrongs and not just the wrongs themselves? They grow from the root of the problem: cowardice and fear.  I was taught to fear my father and be strong for my mother.  This caused a pattern of fear from older men, judgment and avoidance.  The escape hurts others because in isolation I cut everyone off.  And it's not fair to them.  When Airian had her little meltdown last week I pointed out that it was okay for Matt to drop off the face of the face of the planet for two months, but I can't?  Frustrating.

I am very tired of running on a hamster wheel when it comes to interactions with others.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, and the people around me trying to remind me that I need to trust once in a while get burned in the process.  I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

Why are you haunting me?


  1. One day at a time. And the serenity prayer. Apply those!

    1. i saw a great little Buddhist saying i've been using a lot: relax! nothing is under control. lol