Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Step Five: Admitted to Ourselves

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Can I acknowledge and accept the exact nature of our wrongs? I'll have to if I want to continue to live in recovery.  I've done a lot of shitty things and a lot of shitty things were done to me.  I don't have to like it in order to accept it.  I'm giving my shadow self license to feel even the most detrimental of emotions.  Instead of a struggle, I would like to dance with the shadow.  It needs to become my ally in order to face the wreckage of my life.  I'm trying to get my act together here.  My cowardice is paramount to heal and change.  Running away is not the answer, and the sooner I realize and practice this, the sooner I can come to terms with unbearable emotions.

How will making this admission change the direction of my life? Pinpointing exactly what drove me to use in the first place is a valuable asset.  That way, once I identify patterns and see it all happening again, I'll know what to do.  I need to stick to my guns and reply to the affront instead of walking away from it (quite briskly).  I can't let my loneliness make decisions for me, nor should I allow the drugs, despair or my anger guide me into a clusterfuck.  I am aware. Now I just have to act on it.

I'm so mentally exhausted, I don't know what I can do at the moment.  I will check my medication with Steve at some point and perhaps discuss a norepiniphrine shortage.

If I were twice the man I could be, I'd still be half of what you'd need


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