Step Two: Spiritual Principles

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Why is having a closed mind harmful to my recovery? Nothing gets in and through if I don't keep an open mind.  A mind is like a parachute: it only works when it's open.  It's not the fact that I am wary of spiritual ideation, it's just that it seems so unbearably Christian in the meetings I go to.  I still have that knee jerk reaction and a sort of disdain for the Judeo-Christian pantheon.  I have been betrayed by it, so I suppose it's only natural to resent it.

How am I demonstrating open-mindedness in my life today? I'm very hard to offend.  All things are possible if we believe it hard enough.  Most of us can't, or won't because it's uncomfortable.  I find myself clinging to the drugs through denial and fear, which is detrimental to the concept of open-mindedness.  Yeah, I've got a problem.  Whatcha gonna do about it?

In what ways has my life changed since I've been in recovery?  Do I believe more change is possible? Another day in paradise has been my motto since I arrived here at the Lawrence House.  It sucks, I'm bored and I hurt and I want it  to go away.  Drugs were the answer to that, now I need to fill in the void.  I have so little motivation to continue I'm dangling by a thread.  I have to know that change can happen, or I am ultimately doomed to insanity.

What am I willing ot do in order to be restored to sanity? If the drugs gotta go, then they gotta go.  I used to think that they made me tolerably sane for the duration of the high.  Now I have to rely on legal perscriptions to do the job, and they do a shit job.  I haven't found the magical combination of bliss, and my reliance on it is pathetic.  If I don't take my meds I get suicidal real quick.  I'll stop palming the pills, I'll stop smoking pot and buying opiates off the street.  Get me to a point where I can function, please.  Pretty please?

Is there something I am now willing to do that I was perviously unwilling to do?  What is it? I have to say no.  I don't seek the drugs, they come to me.  I have to be able to be strong enough to say NO.  My track record at this is very poor I'm finding.

What action have I been taking that demonstrates my faith? I can do purification rituals every day, but if I don't believe they will work, they won't.  I'm so low on energy in every aspect of the word that I can barely find the motivation to get out of bed.  I'm up and about today.  That's progress, right?

How has my faith grown? Enough to attempt a shamanic journey to speak with my other selves and see their take on the whole picture.  Still arranging it, I hope I get SOMETHING from them...

Have I been able to make plans, having faith that my addiction isn't going to get in the way? Yes.  Yay.

What fears do I have that are getting in the way of my trust? I have no faith in people, sometimes not even myself to do something right for a change.  People bother me.  They're like pets they need so much goddamned attention.  I fear expectations, for I will surely fail them.

What do I need to do to let go of these fears? I'm not about to get burned again. That being said I may have to take that risk in order to progress.  Can we say counseling?

What action am I taking that demonstrates my trust in the process of recovery and a Power greater than myself? I chaired a meeting last night.  I didn't think I believed in the program to that degree, but going to meetings has shown me a tried and true practice that works for some.  I'm willing to give it a try -- 90 meetings for 90 days.  And try not to be a 30 day wonder.

Have I sought help from a Power greater than myself today?  How? I affirm that I am Goddess in all that I do and all that I am.  And that is all is expected.

Have I sought help from my sponsor, gone to meetings and reached out to other recovering addicts?  What were the results? I don't call Elaine much.  I really should.  She's very high strung and buzzing with restless energies.  If I can tap that, maybe I can stay clean for more than six days at a time.

Man, this shit is hard.  I have to know that it'll get better or there just isn't a point in it.  It gets better, it HAS to get better.  Hear my plea, Athena, and grant your virginal power to me to abstain.

You could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt.
~C

Step Two: Restoration to Sanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

What are some things I consider examples of sanity? Being able to hand a crisis or even everyday stress without turning back to old habits: running away.  Reacting on a level that is human.  Feeling things through to the end.

What changes in my thinking and behavior are necessary for my restoration to sanity? Less thinking, more knowing.  More reaction than deflection.  Less justifying, more responsibility.

In what areas in my life do I need sanity now? Interpersonal relationships are almost impossible to maintain.  People expect to much of me, when I expect nothing for them.  My faith in humanity has waned to "don't give a fuck" mode, and its been stuck there for the past three years.

How is restoration a process? "We didn't become addicted in one day so remember: EASY DOES IT." I hear that at every meeting I attend.  I have to believe that it gets better from here, because if this isn't rock bottom I dunno what is.

How will working the steps help me in my restoration to sanity? I don't know, but I can give it a shot.  I'm willing to do anything at this point to curb the chaos that is my life at the moment.  I'm not even sure these steps can help me stay clean, let alone be sane.  My mental illness overshadows a lot in my life now, much like a black hole sucking in stars and shooting the rest out into space.  I'll gather what I can from it, but damn damn DAMN if I can do it alone...

How has sanity already been restared to me in my recovery? It hasn't.  I can barely scrape up a week clean, let alone achieve even a fraction of this serenity everyone is so intent on.  Frustrating...

What expectations do I have about being restored to sanity?  Are they realistic? I want to be able to keep a place without people knocking on my door for money.  I want to keep a clean living environment.  I want to be able to budget the money I have so it doesn't leave me stranded three days after I get it.  Is this so much to ask??

Are my realistic expectations about how my recovery is progressing being met or not?  Do I understand that recovery happens over time, not overnight? Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  Just because I'll get a disability settlement and have enough for a place on my own for once does not mean that I'll be ready for it.  I'm afrad of that fucking money.  Afraid that I'll use it on drugs, and other useless things that I don't need in my life.  I fear waste above all else.

Finding ourselves able to act sanely, even once, in a situation with which we were never able to deal successfully before is evidence of sanity.  Have I had any experiences like that in my recovery? What were they? I can't remember a time in which I was "sane."  I wanted to die by the time I was fourteen.  I've had fantasies of arson and murder.  I've had suicidal dreams and ideation.  I feel trapped in a daze, as if the real world hasn't settled in (whatever that means...).  To achieve sanity through twelve steps seems dubious at best.  I've got baggage.  Big baggage that would cost thousands to ship.  When I can start to let it go a little, I'll be on my way.  Here's hoping that GREATER POWER helps me out a bit, because there is no way in hell I can do this by myself, functioning or not.

I've relapsed several times already.  There is a demon within me that devours any shred of happiness and replaces it with fear, anger and pure panic.  I run away from problems and people, isolating on all fronts until I need to wear a face for someone.  Sarah.  My daughter.  My mom.  Alisha.  Some see through it, some love me for it, others could care less.  I hurt everyone I touch, and not only have been told so, but has been proven correct whenever I try to let someone in.  Expectations are predetermined dissapointments.  I get so low and all I want is a fix to make it go away.  I don't care what it is: booze, smoke, pills... anything.  If I can overcome this fear of myself, then perhaps I can take some baby steps in getting my fucking life together.  (HINT: HEY GREATER POWER, A LITTLE HELP HERE???!)
I'm not as selfish as I used to be.  That was apart of me that never made me proud
~C out

Step Two: A Power Greater Than Ourselves

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 Do I have problems accepting that there is a Power or Powers greater than myself? There are many forces in the universe that are much stronger that I am right now.  Not a lot of them have clear cut answers either.  I don't have any qualms about admitting that my ego is not all powerful, that there are other things out there greater than my addiction, and greater than myself.

What are some things that are more powerful than I am? gravity, light, cycles, nature, All-That-Is, my addiction...

Can a Power greater than myself help me stay clean?  How? That seems to be the idea, but I can only ponder as to why or how.  Perhaps to personally petition a God/dess sounds ... whiny.

Can a Power greater than I am help me recover? How? My father once told me to toss out the brain in the equation and really listen to your heart as a higher power.  The brain is what gets us into trouble in the first place.  If my heart is filled with determination, I can follow that to the bitter ends: jails, institutions and death (oh my), or I can follow it to the serenity of being sober and clean.  I'm told it gets better, but I have yet to understand that with my own eyes yet.

What evidence do I have that a Higher Power is working in my life? I'm going to meetings, aren't I? My life cycle has landed me in some pretty interesting places, none of which has been very helpful until now.  I can trust that my Power can take me to places that give me hope, determination and will.

 What are the characteristics my Higher Power does NOT have? My selves are exactly where they need to be, including those that are in position of recovery from drugs.  Whatever they don't have, I won't need.

 What are the characteristics my Higher Power have? My HGA/Godself is closer to the center of a monad soul.  It can see the bigger picture than my incarnate/middle self.  If recovery is meant to happen at some point in my life, my Godself, closer to All-That-Is and the Divine, it will put me in positions to access the road of recovery.

I have considered taking on the student role to several virgin gods and goddesses, but nothing seems to fit.  I guess I'll have to remain a little vague in my understanding in order to glean meaningful routines in life.

Everything I touch, I break (I wanna break you down)
~C

Step Two: Coming to Believe

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

BELIEVE IT!!

Do I have any fears about coming to believe?  What are they? I already have a strong connection with All-That-Is.  I refuse to call it God do to the negative stigma most Pagans have against the Judeo-Christian, scripture-fucked, intolerance of variance.  Every meeting is uncomfortable, every prayer or tradition I read and replace the word God for Goddess, just to make it clear that I don't subscribe to a naive pyramid of spiritual scam, directed by power hungry men. There is balance.  No good, no evil, simply shades of gray.

Do I have other barriers that make it difficult for me to believe?  What are they? Not really.  Currently I am using what Alister Crowley calls the HGA (holy guardian angel, or the higher, Godself).  Though I am having a hard time to think of it as more powerful than myself...

What does the phrase, "We came to believe..." mean to me? Gods, that sounds like a last resort to me.  But then again, I'm at the end of my rope and this is a sort of last resort.  Okay, you've got me there, NA...

Have I ever believed in something that has no tangible evidence?  What was that experience like? I say no.  What I believe is often proved again and again by metaphysics and a plethora of other scientific study.  I believe that I can manipulate energy in a more streamlined current on my own.  There is no VISUAL evidence, but even some joe off the street can admit that there is something to it all...

What experiences have other addicts shared about coming to believe? Have I tried any of them for myself? Some transcendent face in the sky that loves you to death but will throw you to Hell if you don't think what He thinks doesn't sound plausible in the slightest.  So this being who made Hell just for people He doesn't like is loving enough to guide us poor, dirty souls towards a clean way to live?  Pass.

In what DO I believe? I believe in cycles.  Everything, even human life, has a birth, life, death and rebirth on a regular basis.  The Divine is imminent, within each of us trying to experience reality in an incarnate state one life at a time.  Does this force care about me? Yes and no... we are a conglomerate of souls who can only guide each other in hopes that we are not just random happenstance.

How has my belief grown since coming to recovery? No growth, just observance without judgement. 

This one is gonna be a toughie...

Wake me up when September ends...
~C

Step Two: Hope and Insanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

What do I have hope for today?  I hope I get to see my daughter more than a few hours at a time.  I hope that I can throw myself 100% into recovery.  I hope that I can be a mother, daughter, sister, aunt or just plain Carmen.  Is that so much to ask?

Did I believe that I could control my using?  What were some of my experiences with this, and how were my efforts unsuccessful? I used to think that getting high was just a bonus to relieving my back pain.  Then I started using it just to feel high and numb, or to get some comfortable sleep.  I tried to have a friend regulate how much I used, and because he was an addict too it didn't work for shit.

What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? I left my daughter in the care of a neighbor -- a STRANGER -- to get high on some shrooms.  I'm very ashamed of doing that for the sake of getting high.  Thank the gods that nothing bad happened.

Did I put myself in dangerous situations to obtain drugs? If snorting two morphine at a time isn't dangerous then I don't know what is.

Did I behave in ways of which I'm not ashamed?  What were those situations like? Getting fucked up and assholing  the town was fun.  I liked it.  In social situations I rarely have shame.  Just guilt.  The difference between the two a mountain and a half.  I'm brash and tactless at times, and the drugs brought that to center stage.  I had a blast, and giving up on that feeling seems like a daunting task.

Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Yeah, with money.  I could barely pay a single bill when I was accepting help from DSS, and yet I repeatedly bought opiates from others.  I'd put off everything in order to get high.  I scared my daughter by not being able to wake up one time.  I am very ashamed of that.

Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things interfered with my using? I gained them, unfortunately.  And now in order to see my son, I must interact with them.  That whole "people, places and things" bit is unbearable.  Now that I must cut ties with things that encouraged me to use, I'm finding it difficult to find someone to relate with that is clean.

Did I ever physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction? I gave myself a concussion once.  I probably damaged my liver.  Other than that, violence was never tolerated, which led me to believe that I indeed have control.  I couldn't have been wronger.

How have I overreacted or underreacted to things? I rarely overreact, but underreact to a frightening degree.  I just didn't care.

How has my life been out of balance? HAHAHA.  The juggle of life has put an enormous pressure on my conscience.  Money has always been an impossible thing to deal with, and I feel like whenever I was high that I was sacrificing time with my daughter.  And now I've paid the price for it.

In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or some all my problems?  Using drugs?  Compulsive gambling, eating, or sex seeking? Something else? Drugs and eating, otherwise I wouldn't be so goddamned fat.  Those things comfort me, and nothing matters when those urges are obliged.  I must remember the Charge of the Goddess: "If that which you seek is not within you, you will never find it without."

Is part of my insanity the belief that the symptom of my addiction (using drugs or some other manifestation) is my only problem? Shit no, I've got more psych issues than Heath Ledger sometimes.  I'm try8ing to get my brain reigned in so it stops going off of wild tangents of guilt, hallucinations and fear.  Sometimes I feel powerless over these mental issues.  I wish I could drain my brain of these awful thoughts.  If that's not insanity than shoot me now.

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew that the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking about beforehand?  What made us go ahead? INSTANT GRATIFICATION.  I'm impatient and unwilling to  wait for the simplest of things.  The microwave.  The money.  The booze.  The pills.  Social interaction.  Gods, I am the definition of insane sometimes.  I feel like I haven't gotten mine and that all I've been doing for the past three years is waiting.  I'm not going to wait anymore, at least not for the healthy things in my life. 

These questions hurt me to answer and I can see why.  Insanity dominates my life, and I thought I'd found the answer in drugs.  I was wrong.

Such a lonely day, it's a day I'm glad I survived...
~C out

Drugs and Slugs

Intermission

So I'm a little apprehensive about the next step, but I'm told to worry about it when I get there.  The Higher Power bit is definitely going to be a snag.  I've struggled to stay clean through Step One with marginal success.  Currently handling only days of clean time at any given point is discouraging.  Lots of external forces are streamlining my life into two choices: go back to what I'm comfortable with, get back with Alisha and fuck sobriety, or stay with my current love interests and continue trying to stay clean.

It's hard to break the circle, and I'm sure many fellow addicts can relate to that.  I'm told over and over again that it gets better, serenity will come and thus happiness with my life.  When I still feel strung out and jonesing, it's hard to believe.  Elaine has been wonderful, but I still fall off that wagon repeatedly.

Frustrating. BUT: I think I can do this.  I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone else.  Guilt plagues me, but they don't judge me there. 

I can do this.

This alone you're in time for the show, I'm the one that you need, I'm the one that you loathe
~C

Step One: Moving On

We admitted that we were powerless over addiction; that our lives have become unmanageable

How do I know it's time to move on?  I don't.  I've taken a few things to heart and set a few things aside, but all in all if I can stay away from the people, places and things that I am used to using around, I might have a chance at a calmer, more manageable life.

What is my understanding of Step One? Just because you are powerless over something does not mean that you cannot work to change it by taking control of my actions.  Or at the very least the responsibility of it all.  I don't like using the first step as an excuse, and I fear that in the next situation I am exposed to I'll just shrug and say "I'm powerless, oh well.  Let's get smashed!"  It is a monster inside me that needs to be quenched, and its main source of nutrition would have been the drugs.  Now it wants something to fill the void.  And it's impatient.

How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step? I watched my father go to AA meetings after he got out of rehab.  I know a lot about the recovery crowd, and at first I was a little baffled. Now that I'm a part of NA, I see the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. 

I'm beginning to see a change in my behavior towards drugs and those that provide them.  Being friends with my ex is making it very hard to stay clean, and I have relapsed twice with her, but i love being around her when she's not a raging bitch.  son of a bitch, this is hard and I want to give up sometimes.  Then I call Elaine and everything seems a little more manageable, one day at a time.

To rid the disease...
~C