Step Three: The God of our Understanding

We  made a decision to turn our lives and our will to the God of our understanding

Does the word "God," or even the concept itself, make me uncomfortable?  What is the source of this discomfort? Immensely uncomfortable.  Most people identify "God" in a Judeo-Christian mindset.  As a Wiccan, I find this distasteful. 

Have I ever believed that God caused horrible things to happen to me or was punishing me?  What were those things? Not God/dess per say, but I do believe in the concept of kharma.  If I was being punished in some way, shape or form it was because of my own doing, not because I was being judged by a Power that I don't share views on.  The law of return is what I believe in, and by stealing, lying and doing anything for my next fix, the only thing I need to answer to is myself.

What is my understanding of a Power greater than myself today? I believe that the soul can be broken down into several layers, all simultaneously existing within and without me.  Past the physical self and the Ego there is a line of unconsciousness that connects us to every living being the further into the unknown we go.  There is a Godself that is closest to the Fractal of Life, or All-That-Is.  This aspect of myself can see life not in a linear sense, but an all encompassing knowledge of what was, what is and what will be, and has a Will to guide me in the best direction for growth and awareness.  All this not just in Recovery, but in all my human experiences.

How is my Higher Power working in my life? By allowing Her to reach down and nudge me on occasion (or swat me with the clue bat), I allow Her to speak and act through me.  I find this presence is the strongest in Twilight State or a deep dream experience.

How do I communicate with my Higher Power? Meditation, listening, speaking less, understanding what makes me Me.

How does my Higher Power communicate with me? Omens mostly.  Sometimes through other people riding on the same fractal I am.  Sometimes by lightning strike Eurika!!  Other times through dreams or animals.  Happenings that are not just coincidences.  These are Magickal Events.

What feelings do I have about my Higher Power? Curiosity of course.  I want to know the exact truth about the nature of the Universe and how I relate to that.  I want to get to know Her better, but in order to do so I need to be calm, grounded and centered.  She makes me feel safe but also lights a fire under my ass to motivate me on occasion.  She knows what I need, not necessarily what I want.

Am I struggling with changing beliefs about the nature of my Higher Power?  Describe.  Putting Her into a 12 step schema took a little bit of thinking on, but I think I have it.  And I could be wrong.  That's okay.

Is my current concept of a Higher Power still working?  How might it need to change? I think I'm onto something here...

I wander around where you can't see, inside my shell I wait and bleed

~Ghost

Step Three: Self-Will

We made a decision to turn out will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him

Have I acted on Self-will?  What were my motives? My self-will is often centered in instant gratification.  Not to imply that ALL decisions I make on self-will are bad, just often clouded by impatience and anxiety.

How has acting on my Self-will affected my life? A mixed bag here.  Sometimes I get so eager for something that I'll spend more money to get it sooner for no real reason other than impatience.  Other times I'll act recklessly or participate in risky behavior. 

How has my Self-will affected others? I was called selfish a few times by an ex of mine.  It didn't matter what others thought, if I wanted it I was going to go to any length to get it, even putting the opinions of those I love aside as if they were nothing.  This is not always the case, but I can definitely understand where she was coming from.

Will pursuing my goals harm anyone? How? I'm proud to say that the answer to this question is a resounding no.  I want to publish my novel and live comfortably for the rest of my life so I can focus on other leisure like painting, traveling and gaming.  No one will get hurt in this process.  And I have no desire to change that.

In the pursuit of what I want, is it likely that I will end up doing something that adversely affects myself or others? Explain. My wants are in the moment, that second and demanding of full attention.  If I act too quickly, it may put me at a disadvantage.  Sometimes others get swept up in it, much like my ex.  I'm a difficult person to live around, mostly because I have no faith or trust in humanity.  That and I'm really fucking lazy.  Once I put my mind to something it will get done come hell or high water, to hell with anyone else. 

Will I have to compromise my values to reach this goal? I have but one moral code: An it harm none, do as ye will.  I also like the idea of the Black Heart of Innocence in the Feri traditions.  I fall back a lot on the definition of "harm," and practice it every day.  I will not break my code willingly, even though self-harm is just as valid as harming anyone else.  There is no "better me than you."  Harm is simply that: harm.  And I will attempt to swim though the waters of life and try not to disturb that which is thriving around me.

Describe the times when my will hasn't been enough.  In matters of using my will has almost never been enough.  I've passed on the bowl for three weeks now on my own, but I wouldn't doubt that my Higher Power had something to do with that.  I don't have a solid place to stand on in order to face conflict as a part of my personality disorder.  I'm just going to have to swallow my pride, suck it up and ask for help.  After all, the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel.

What is the difference between my will and "God's" Will? The Godself operates in more dimensions than we do, and can thus see the universe without the illusion of "time."  She knows better, because she has seen every outcome possible and is willing to guide me through the path that brings a measure of success and happiness.  Because I cannot see what She can, my perspective has blind spots.  If I stumble through blind I'm sure to come across difficulty that I cannot handle.  I need to be respectful and open to my Godself.  She can see what I cannot, and can walk me through any situation with the best outcome.  I have to allow Her to, or She is useless to me.

Have there been times in my recovery in which I slowly take back my will without thinking?  What alerted me?  What have I done to recommit myself to the third step? Any time I fall back into old thinking and hoarding my will, a meeting can always bring my attention back onto my recovery and what my Godself has to say about it.  If I don't go to meetings, I forget that I'm supposed to be on the lookout for warning signs and realize that my heart has closed up.  My Godself speaks in the language of the heart, so I need to open it up and speak and understand it.

Now that I have a decent idea of what my Higher Power is, a lot of anxiety has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Pat told me that I didn't have to define it, but I like to know as much as possible about the Unseen.  It's my insatiable curiosity -- I can't help but to want to know the "why" or the "how."  Once I have something solid to fall back on, surrendering my will to my Will seems a lot easier.

~Ghost

Step Three: Making a Decision

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him

Why is making a decision central to working this step? In order to have life run relatively smoothly, one cannot stop the tide or flow of a moving body of water.  It is important to bend, flex and move with the current, or forever bash your head against a brick wall.  Once I decide that my Higher Self knows better than I do and will do what it can in order to open my eyes to recovery, I am under no obligation to commit to more than a few bites of it at a time.  My sponsor told me once that we don't have to explain or understand it.  Just know that it can restore sanity if you're willing to work for it and it has your best interest at heart.

Can I make this decision just for today?  Do I have any fears or reservations about it?  What are they? I'm not a big fan of assigning gender to a force that is above such labels, but I get that this Higher Power is made of the Divine Stuff of the Universe much like us humans, but uncarnate.  My reservations stem from a very large trust complex.  I can't even trust myself, what does THAT say about me?  Jeez...

What action have I taken to follow through on my decision? If I ever get this ritual out of my head and into action, there will be a lot of purification, destruction and rebuilding.  Like rearranging the tetris blocks of my being into a more stable, score jacking format.  This will take much meditation and a good deal of Journeying.   I'm ready for it.

What areasof my life are difficult for me to turn over? Nothing. Take it all, Godself, I don't want it.  Nudge me in the right direction if You so choose.  I can't drop all of my responsibilities, but I can have a little peace of mind knowing that if I listen very closely, I will receive a reply in some shape or form.

Why is it important that I turn them over anyway? Can't carry the world on my shoulders anymore.  Everybody wants a piece of me, everybody can kiss my fat white ass.  I don't need to be worrying over every stupid thing that comes my way, even if its way out of my control.  Work with the flow, not against it.  And of course be careful what you wish for.  It just might come true.

I think it's kind of funny, I find it rather sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
~Ghost

Bars and Scars

Intermission

There is a certain allure to being out of our minds in such a manner that feels good, or at least an offer of the relief from life in general.  It's what sucks us in and spits us out, and chew on our souls all over again.  There is a price for all of this of course, and it seems we will go to any length or overcome any obstacle in place in order to continue to feel "better" or "well."

An illusion of course.

I don't think drugs are as bad as our feeble government makes them out to be.  Who are they to tell me what I put inside of my body? We are not babies.  We can learn from our own mistakes, thank you, not yours.

However, I am not one that keeps the balance very well.  Temperance is often passed my ability to practice.  So despite my resentment, I continue in my recovery the best I can.  I can do this without rehab, without juggling my prescriptions (or abusing them), driving myself insane and without looking back to relapse.  My will is set.  Though my mind is always a fog of chatter and the itty-bitty-shitty-committee, I suppose my state of mind falls into the mental health community's hands.

Still contemplating calling "BULLSHIT" but hey, we take what we can get, reap what we sew and step back into the cycle of life, fully intending not to run away, but participate with zeal.

All the pieces don't fit, but I really didn't give a shit.  I never wanted to be like you, but for all I aspire I am really a liar and I'm running out of things I can do.
Ghost out
~C

Step Two: Moving On

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

What action can I take that will help me along in the process of coming to believe? There is a habit I am trying to establish that involves meditation every day with the Earth and Her fertility.  There are things out there that I cannot explain.  There are things that are bigger than anything I could possibly think up.  Using them to my advantage is acknowledging that I am both supremely important and infinitely small.  Something drives us forward, and I want to experience that Something.

What am I doing to work on overcoming any unrealistic expectations I may have about being restored to sanity? Being humble and realistic is key.  My insanity is more than just my addiction, and having that sanity restored is a big order, involving lots of counseling and anti-psychotics.  I won't overcome this just like that, or by myself.

What is my understanding of Step Two? Possibilities.  Nothing I have to understand right at the moment, but I have to accept that there is something that can help me, and cares about my well being.  What this thing is though, I am having a hard time defining.

How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step? If anything, it has hindered.  I don't believe in a face in the sky that bears down on your sins and will send you to an awful place if you don't believe in him.  That's bullshit.  But unfortunately the Judeo-Christian pantheon fits a little too well in these steps.  They were obviously written by Christians.  But to take an alternative view on such things forces me to think, and hard, about what I believe and what I don't believe.

I have eight days clean today.  Its rough, but I might be able to pull this off.  I'm the Ghost on the Couch.  I am aware.  And now, motivated.

I won't let you fall apart
~C out

Step Two: Spiritual Principles

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Why is having a closed mind harmful to my recovery? Nothing gets in and through if I don't keep an open mind.  A mind is like a parachute: it only works when it's open.  It's not the fact that I am wary of spiritual ideation, it's just that it seems so unbearably Christian in the meetings I go to.  I still have that knee jerk reaction and a sort of disdain for the Judeo-Christian pantheon.  I have been betrayed by it, so I suppose it's only natural to resent it.

How am I demonstrating open-mindedness in my life today? I'm very hard to offend.  All things are possible if we believe it hard enough.  Most of us can't, or won't because it's uncomfortable.  I find myself clinging to the drugs through denial and fear, which is detrimental to the concept of open-mindedness.  Yeah, I've got a problem.  Whatcha gonna do about it?

In what ways has my life changed since I've been in recovery?  Do I believe more change is possible? Another day in paradise has been my motto since I arrived here at the Lawrence House.  It sucks, I'm bored and I hurt and I want it  to go away.  Drugs were the answer to that, now I need to fill in the void.  I have so little motivation to continue I'm dangling by a thread.  I have to know that change can happen, or I am ultimately doomed to insanity.

What am I willing ot do in order to be restored to sanity? If the drugs gotta go, then they gotta go.  I used to think that they made me tolerably sane for the duration of the high.  Now I have to rely on legal perscriptions to do the job, and they do a shit job.  I haven't found the magical combination of bliss, and my reliance on it is pathetic.  If I don't take my meds I get suicidal real quick.  I'll stop palming the pills, I'll stop smoking pot and buying opiates off the street.  Get me to a point where I can function, please.  Pretty please?

Is there something I am now willing to do that I was perviously unwilling to do?  What is it? I have to say no.  I don't seek the drugs, they come to me.  I have to be able to be strong enough to say NO.  My track record at this is very poor I'm finding.

What action have I been taking that demonstrates my faith? I can do purification rituals every day, but if I don't believe they will work, they won't.  I'm so low on energy in every aspect of the word that I can barely find the motivation to get out of bed.  I'm up and about today.  That's progress, right?

How has my faith grown? Enough to attempt a shamanic journey to speak with my other selves and see their take on the whole picture.  Still arranging it, I hope I get SOMETHING from them...

Have I been able to make plans, having faith that my addiction isn't going to get in the way? Yes.  Yay.

What fears do I have that are getting in the way of my trust? I have no faith in people, sometimes not even myself to do something right for a change.  People bother me.  They're like pets they need so much goddamned attention.  I fear expectations, for I will surely fail them.

What do I need to do to let go of these fears? I'm not about to get burned again. That being said I may have to take that risk in order to progress.  Can we say counseling?

What action am I taking that demonstrates my trust in the process of recovery and a Power greater than myself? I chaired a meeting last night.  I didn't think I believed in the program to that degree, but going to meetings has shown me a tried and true practice that works for some.  I'm willing to give it a try -- 90 meetings for 90 days.  And try not to be a 30 day wonder.

Have I sought help from a Power greater than myself today?  How? I affirm that I am Goddess in all that I do and all that I am.  And that is all is expected.

Have I sought help from my sponsor, gone to meetings and reached out to other recovering addicts?  What were the results? I don't call Elaine much.  I really should.  She's very high strung and buzzing with restless energies.  If I can tap that, maybe I can stay clean for more than six days at a time.

Man, this shit is hard.  I have to know that it'll get better or there just isn't a point in it.  It gets better, it HAS to get better.  Hear my plea, Athena, and grant your virginal power to me to abstain.

You could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt.
~C

Step Two: Restoration to Sanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

What are some things I consider examples of sanity? Being able to hand a crisis or even everyday stress without turning back to old habits: running away.  Reacting on a level that is human.  Feeling things through to the end.

What changes in my thinking and behavior are necessary for my restoration to sanity? Less thinking, more knowing.  More reaction than deflection.  Less justifying, more responsibility.

In what areas in my life do I need sanity now? Interpersonal relationships are almost impossible to maintain.  People expect to much of me, when I expect nothing for them.  My faith in humanity has waned to "don't give a fuck" mode, and its been stuck there for the past three years.

How is restoration a process? "We didn't become addicted in one day so remember: EASY DOES IT." I hear that at every meeting I attend.  I have to believe that it gets better from here, because if this isn't rock bottom I dunno what is.

How will working the steps help me in my restoration to sanity? I don't know, but I can give it a shot.  I'm willing to do anything at this point to curb the chaos that is my life at the moment.  I'm not even sure these steps can help me stay clean, let alone be sane.  My mental illness overshadows a lot in my life now, much like a black hole sucking in stars and shooting the rest out into space.  I'll gather what I can from it, but damn damn DAMN if I can do it alone...

How has sanity already been restared to me in my recovery? It hasn't.  I can barely scrape up a week clean, let alone achieve even a fraction of this serenity everyone is so intent on.  Frustrating...

What expectations do I have about being restored to sanity?  Are they realistic? I want to be able to keep a place without people knocking on my door for money.  I want to keep a clean living environment.  I want to be able to budget the money I have so it doesn't leave me stranded three days after I get it.  Is this so much to ask??

Are my realistic expectations about how my recovery is progressing being met or not?  Do I understand that recovery happens over time, not overnight? Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  Just because I'll get a disability settlement and have enough for a place on my own for once does not mean that I'll be ready for it.  I'm afrad of that fucking money.  Afraid that I'll use it on drugs, and other useless things that I don't need in my life.  I fear waste above all else.

Finding ourselves able to act sanely, even once, in a situation with which we were never able to deal successfully before is evidence of sanity.  Have I had any experiences like that in my recovery? What were they? I can't remember a time in which I was "sane."  I wanted to die by the time I was fourteen.  I've had fantasies of arson and murder.  I've had suicidal dreams and ideation.  I feel trapped in a daze, as if the real world hasn't settled in (whatever that means...).  To achieve sanity through twelve steps seems dubious at best.  I've got baggage.  Big baggage that would cost thousands to ship.  When I can start to let it go a little, I'll be on my way.  Here's hoping that GREATER POWER helps me out a bit, because there is no way in hell I can do this by myself, functioning or not.

I've relapsed several times already.  There is a demon within me that devours any shred of happiness and replaces it with fear, anger and pure panic.  I run away from problems and people, isolating on all fronts until I need to wear a face for someone.  Sarah.  My daughter.  My mom.  Alisha.  Some see through it, some love me for it, others could care less.  I hurt everyone I touch, and not only have been told so, but has been proven correct whenever I try to let someone in.  Expectations are predetermined dissapointments.  I get so low and all I want is a fix to make it go away.  I don't care what it is: booze, smoke, pills... anything.  If I can overcome this fear of myself, then perhaps I can take some baby steps in getting my fucking life together.  (HINT: HEY GREATER POWER, A LITTLE HELP HERE???!)
I'm not as selfish as I used to be.  That was apart of me that never made me proud
~C out