Step Six: Spiritual Principles

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove our defects of character

How am I demonstrating my commitment to recovery at this point? I have been throwing myself at service work, putting myself in the center of PI and getting voted onto the panel of local H&I.

By working the first five steps, I have persevered in my recovery.  Why is this quality so vital to the sixth step? I've come this far.  I can't look back. Everything is on the table at this point, and there is no point in turning in now.  Go big or go home.

Am I willing to have all my defects of character removed at this time?  If not, why not? I am still apprehensive at this point, but willing? Yes. I may not like all of me, but its a part of me that makes me me.  If I am not me ... who am I? I'm not claiming to know myself very well, but there are parts of me I want to know.  What if those are the parts that are taken away?

What have I done to show my willingness today? I socialized.  I didn't like it, but I tried to show my gratitude and charisma to Nate's mother.  She was cool.

Do I accept myself today?  What do I like about myself?  What has changed since I've been working the steps? Of course I don't accept myself.  Why would I be on a plethora of psyche meds if I did?  I see a counselor, I take anxiety medication, I don't understand myself and the never ending quest is a source of anguish.  I can, however, accept the fact that I don't accept myself the way I am, mostly because I am not done growing.  I like my intelligence, my creativity and my ability to lose myself into music like no other.  I feel it.  I live it.  It is me, and sometimes it speaks to me. I guess that makes me crazy.  But I like to think it's the genius kind of crazy and not the psychotic kind.  Since working the steps I have discovered all sorts of things about myself that I may or may not like, and can relax a little about it.  Because just for today, it's okay.

I'm still breathing
~Ghost

Step Six: Our Defects of Character

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all our defects of character

List each defect and a brief description of it. Anger. I hate people. Disgust.  I hate people. Withdrawal. I. HATE. PEOPLE.

In what ways do I act on these defects? I pull away from the people I know and love; the people that care about me and want me to succeed.  I push them away to deal with things all by my lone self so no one else is burdened.  I can handle this myself and I don't need your help, thank you very much.

When I act on these defects, what effect does it have on myself and others? I get lonely so I want to use.  People think I don't care or are maliciously seeking to hurt them, when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.  I don't want to be touched or talked to, but it's not like I'm trying to hurt anyone.  Just leave me alone.

What feelings do I associate with these defects? Am I trying to surpress certain feelings by acting on a certain defect? Isolation, fear, loneliness, despair.  I pull away and use so I don't have to deal with the world at large, which mostly sucks as it is.

What would my life be like without this behavior? Which spiritual principle can I apply instead? Perhaps it would be easier to trust and open up to people if I didn't put them through my tidal mood swings.  I love you.  I hate you.  I need you.  Get away from me.  You complete me.  Get out of my life.  I need to be honest with myself.  I need to be open to the fact that these people want to help me and have my best interests at heart.  I need to be willing to accept the help that they offer.

The maelstrom of my life has struck a point of chaos within the storm.  There is no eye, only hurricaine for miles.  I have to believe that the storm will subside, but be ready to arm myself for battle and fight for what is mine.  I am entitled to certain things.  Not all things, but let this be known: hell hath no wrath like a mother scorned.

Will you bite the hand that  feeds you? Will you stay down on your knees?
~Enraged Ghost

Step Six: ...To Have The Goddess Remove ...

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

How am I trying to remove or control my own character defects?  What have my attempts resulted in? Forcing myself to close the distance between myself and other people has done nothing but make me want to withdraw even more.  My irritation with humanity in general grows the more I try to ignore it.

What is the difference between being entirely ready to have the Goddess remove my defects of character and  suppressing them myself? Active an passive forces I suppose.  Much like my use of drugs, the more control I attempt to assert, the more slippery and resistant it becomes.  To surrender is to let it go and not look back.

How am I increasing my trust in the Goddess of my understanding by working the steps? I have to trust that She will not take something away that I need in order to grow and develop as a person.  If I need to have something in my life right now, it will be there for me to learn from.  If I am done with it, then She will be rid of it with my permission.  I must permit Her to do Her job.

How does my surrender deepen in this step? The harder I grasp the less I have a grip on it.  I must let go in order to maintain serenity.

What action can I take that shows that I am entirely ready? I am working on a ritual with another Wiccan in recovery named Camilla.  I hope this will help curb any relapses.

All the things she said, running through my head, this is not enough
~GGGGG

Step Six: Entirely Ready for What?

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

Are there parts of me I like, but which might be "defects?" Am I afraid I'll turn into someone I on't like if those parts of my character are removed? I've always gone against the grain, as mainstream culture disgusts me.  I don't want to be normal.  I don't want to be like everybody else.

What do I think will be removed? Perhaps the compulsion to use or eat constantly.  My inability to maintain interpersonal relationships.  Fear.

Do I still believe in the process of recovery?  Do I  believe that I can  change?  How have I changed so far?  What defects do I no longer have to act out on? To be honest this "recovery" business within the lense of the twelve steps seems more and more like brainwashing, giving an ideal of what can save you and to hold onto it with all your might, making your faith unshakable in something as arbitrary as God.  What happens when "God" lets you down? Blame yourself for being unable to hear Its message clearly enough? Self reprimand seems counterproductive.  I'm willing to change to a certain degree, but only in a manner that is congruent with spiritual growth and better homeostasis.  Coming this far I have found that I can be more and more honest with myself instead of justifying each act out of desperation for acceptance from others, myself and the Goddess.  Like someone is watching me over my shoulder and secretly keeping count on how many times I fake feeling sick so that I can sleep in or the reasons behind my desire for a fix.  I am becoming more and more okay with that.  I can quell  the fear of lack of communication as I seem to have surrounded myself with a group of people that are honest and easy going.  They have no reason to lie to me.  And I to them. 

Do I have any defects that cannot be removed? What are they?  Why do I think they cannot be removed? My abysmal self esteem.  It's been battered and beaten my whole life and I'm not sure it can make a true comeback after it's been crippled for so long.  I will always be insecure.  I will always second guess myself.  I will always wonder if what people say is really what they mean.

And on that note, titty sprikles.
I am the high you can't sustain (and I control you)
~Ghost out

Interlude

The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee

Once again I have hit a wall of insecurity upon entering a new step of change through NA.  I need to be ready to have the Goddess "remove" ALL of my character defects.  Don't mean She will, but I suppose I have to want it to happen in order for it to be possible.  

But what if my defects make me ... ME?

Every part of me is in place for a reason.  It may be jumbled and warped, but to have everything negative about me be removed?  Wouldn't that make me some bland, happy, ignorant, blathering fool?  After step four, it's pretty  clear what's "good" and what's "bad." I see my destructive patterns and despise them, but how can I ever change them?? I've been this way for so fucking long I don't know any other way to live.

I suppose change has never been easy.

I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself, let alone all the little pieces, the big picture of life or even what to do day to day.  I've been nothing but irritated with people lately, and I want to stop talking to them outright.  But that would perpetuate an old cycle, wouldn't it?  I swear to the Goddess though, if I have to hear about the same problem one more time I'm going to bash my head into a wall.  Or hers.

I suppose on this cliff I have fear, but I must move forward.  If I don't I will never change from the way I am now, which is pretty disappointing.  I was told my character defects should fit on a matchbook cover,  because it really just boils down to eight or nine asinine traits. So I filled the bastard.  And it does indeed come down to a generalization of under ten traits that we all have, they just manifest in different ways.

Here's to change.

So many dirty little faces with their filthy little worn out broken down see through sores

~Ghost out

Step Five: Moving On

We admitted to the Goddess, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

How has working Step Five increased my humility and self-acceptance?  It's all on the table, and sharing it has proved that yes, it was horrible, but I'm still an alright person, if only a bit damaged.  We're all damaged otherwise we wouldn't be in the Fellowship.  I can see where I am, where I was and where I need to go. 

How has my relationship with a Higher Power changed as a result of working the Fifth Step?  By taking into account what my Godself is telling me, I need to have patience with myself.  Change doesn't always come on suddenly.  She encourages me to change my habits slowly and effectively.

How has my relsationship with my sponsor changed as a result of working the Fifth Step? Elaine has been struggling to understand the extent of my Wiccan roots. She took the initiative and brought me to another recovering addict that was also Pagan.  We got stuck in a ditch and had to get ourselves towed out, so there was lots of time to chat.  I learned a lot, and so did Elaine.  I couldn't have asked for a more dedicated and down to earth sponsor.

How has my view of myself changed as aresult of working this step? The only change in myself is the level of honesty with myself about painful things in my past.  I guard my woes, let them fester into a septic level of emotional weariness.  It's time to let it heal, leave it alone and accept that it is in the past.  It's okay to grieve... to an extent. 

To what extent have I developed love and compassion for myself and others? ehhhhh still working on that one.  I've largely lost faith in humanity and seek to learn from other's mistakes. 

Honesty is key here.  Now all I need to do is relate this honesty to my own faults and know them.  Name them.  Be rid of them.

You say there's beauty in a scar, what a stupid thing you are
~Ghost

Step Five: Spiritual Principles

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Do I believe that working the Fifth Step will somehow make my life better?  How? Once I come clean about everything in my life that I feel ashamed of, it's like a weight being lifted off of my chest.  The wounds are reopened and raw, but it is time to heal.

What are some of the ways in which I can find the courage I need to work this step? Trust, largely. No longer being ashamed of things that are not my fault is a big step for me.  I feel that I am always a catalyst in every situation I touch.  Sometimes for the better, a lot of times for the worst.  Casting off deception, especially self-delusion, with no holds bar gives me license to feel however its going to make me feel without censorship.

 How does practicing the principle of courage in working this step affect my whole recovery? By uncovering what drove me to use in the first place, be it physical pain or emotional, I can move forward with no regrets.  Its all out on the table now, and the next few steps are going to be unimaginably difficult.  I have to trust my Higher Power will guide me in this delicate stage of recovery.

Have I set a time and place for my Fifth Step? When and where? Done and done.  Elaine went well out of her way in order to give me a conversation with another Wiccan in recovery.  I am very grateful for that opportunity to speak with someone who can relate to my own personal spiritual recovery.  Goddess is a go.

How have I avoided self-honesty in the past?  What am I doing to practice it now? Self-honesty while addicted? Bah! I avoided everything about myself with drugs with a passion.  I can't stand to spend time with myself my self-esteem is so crushed and bruised.  The film reel in my head does nothing but constantly reminding me that I'm a fool and a klutz when it comes to interpersonal relationships.  I now acknowledge it as a part of my life and can reexamine without bias.

How is a more realistic view of myself connected to humility? Humility to accept that the past is unchangeable and is long gone.  I humbly accept the nature of our linear perception of this universe, on a one way street to whatever ends we find after this incarnation is over.  Now its time to let it go.

How does practicing the principle of self-honesty help me accept myself? There's no changing the past, but I can shape my fluid future by not dwelling on things that have happened to me and things that I have made happen to others, with intention or not.

How does sharing my inventory with my sponsor further my commitment to the NA program? Another step down, another to go.  To live in recovery requires vigilance, and the more honest I am, the better I can overcome addiction.

Brenda wants me to become her sponsor.  I'm not really sure how that would work out, because even though I now have sixty days clean, I still feel like I did when I acquired my white keytag.  Hanging on by a thread to my sobriety with pitfalls anywhere I go.  I have to tiptoe around the using in order to not put myself in a position in which I become powerless over it again.  People, places and things. They all have to change, and though I profess change on a regular basis, I find it hard to practice what I preach a lot.  I know what I have to do.  I'm just weighed down with all this shit that makes progress difficult.

Without you is how I disappear
 ~Ghost