Step Seven: Preparing to Work Step Seven

We Humbly Asked Her to Remove Our Shortcomings

Which of my attitudes have changed since I’ve been in recovery? Where has the overblown been deflated, and where has the healthy part of me been uncovered? I have acknowledged that not only reality exists, but must be respected, honored and lived.  The pain of life is no different, no less despair inducing and oppressing, but it is not a reason to go running away screaming.  I don't have to so vehemently reject it, fear it and ultimately discard it.  The want in me is slowly being replaced by motivation.

How does humility affect my recovery? HUMILITY: noun, the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance or rank.  Being realistic about my attitudes and beliefs in myself has given way to realistic expectations.  I am not god, but I am not helpless.  I am manipulative, lazy and cruel, but I am also empathetic, passionate and intelligent.  I must use these qualities to healthy ends, though I will not delude myself into thinking that I will use them for purely good.  I am human, and I make mistakes.  Even acts that are selfish or intended to harm don't have to be viewed as mistakes on my part -- simply steps taken in an attempt to live, experience and relate to other human beings.  Once I can be real with myself, I can be real with the world.  Which means facing it, for better or worse.

How does being aware of my own humility help when working this step? Being open to the idea that a Power greater than myself has the wherewithal to remove something from me, anything really, is a humbling thought in and of itself.  Trust comes into play.  How do I know that once I turn these things over that She won't take something else of mine that benefits me? Would it have helped me in the first place? See Step Three.  Faith and Trust are two completely different ideals.  I am dealing with the Faith aspect of the spectrum; having faith that this entity will open avenues for me to follow in order to rid myself of my addictive and harmful qualities.  The opportunity is there.  Now it's up for me to do the legwork.  Well fuck, there goes lazy.

How has my understanding of a Higher Power grown in the previous steps? How has my relationship with that Power developed? Well She has certainly gained a good amount of trust upon answering 'prayers' offered in desperation.  When I remembered, "Oh yeah, what ABOUT God?" things just fell into place, though through my eyes the answer has been tenuous at best.  I still worry about what is going to happen next week.  I still obsess over what happened last week.  They say "one day at a time," and it's beginning to make more and more sense by the hour.

How has my work on the previous steps made me ready to work the Seventh Step? Well step six is being entirely ready, isn't it? Life just keeps getting more ironic by the day.

I memorized the words to the porno movies.  It's the only thing I want to believe.

~Ghost out

 

Step Six: Moving On

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

What do I see myself doing with the qualities I wish to attain? If I want spiritual peace, I must walk the Black Path and follow my Higher Power to higher states of awareness.  If I want to publish a book, I have to work on it.  If I want to be calm, I have to stop worrying so much about the little shit.

What will I do with my career? What career? I've blown that one out of the water irreversibly.

What will I do with my spare time? Be more creative, be more spiritual and be there for the people that love me and that I love.

What kind of parent, child, partner or  friend will I be? I can raise a daughter far better with a clear heart and a focused mind.  I will reach out to my partner instead of holding it in.  I will return favors instead of just taking them, and I will not brush off others' feelings so easily.

Empathy is my biggest flaw.  No, I take that back.  Giving a fuck is my defect here, and when it's an inconvenience to me I rarely lift a finger.  My give-a-fuck meter is stuck on "nuh-uh."  I want it at least in the "tepid" state at worst.  I don't want to be a user anymore.  I don't want to have nothing to offer in return.

Going on and on I have the future in my hands
~Ghost out

Step Six: Spiritual Principles

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove our defects of character

How am I demonstrating my commitment to recovery at this point? I have been throwing myself at service work, putting myself in the center of PI and getting voted onto the panel of local H&I.

By working the first five steps, I have persevered in my recovery.  Why is this quality so vital to the sixth step? I've come this far.  I can't look back. Everything is on the table at this point, and there is no point in turning in now.  Go big or go home.

Am I willing to have all my defects of character removed at this time?  If not, why not? I am still apprehensive at this point, but willing? Yes. I may not like all of me, but its a part of me that makes me me.  If I am not me ... who am I? I'm not claiming to know myself very well, but there are parts of me I want to know.  What if those are the parts that are taken away?

What have I done to show my willingness today? I socialized.  I didn't like it, but I tried to show my gratitude and charisma to Nate's mother.  She was cool.

Do I accept myself today?  What do I like about myself?  What has changed since I've been working the steps? Of course I don't accept myself.  Why would I be on a plethora of psyche meds if I did?  I see a counselor, I take anxiety medication, I don't understand myself and the never ending quest is a source of anguish.  I can, however, accept the fact that I don't accept myself the way I am, mostly because I am not done growing.  I like my intelligence, my creativity and my ability to lose myself into music like no other.  I feel it.  I live it.  It is me, and sometimes it speaks to me. I guess that makes me crazy.  But I like to think it's the genius kind of crazy and not the psychotic kind.  Since working the steps I have discovered all sorts of things about myself that I may or may not like, and can relax a little about it.  Because just for today, it's okay.

I'm still breathing
~Ghost

Step Six: Our Defects of Character

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all our defects of character

List each defect and a brief description of it. Anger. I hate people. Disgust.  I hate people. Withdrawal. I. HATE. PEOPLE.

In what ways do I act on these defects? I pull away from the people I know and love; the people that care about me and want me to succeed.  I push them away to deal with things all by my lone self so no one else is burdened.  I can handle this myself and I don't need your help, thank you very much.

When I act on these defects, what effect does it have on myself and others? I get lonely so I want to use.  People think I don't care or are maliciously seeking to hurt them, when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.  I don't want to be touched or talked to, but it's not like I'm trying to hurt anyone.  Just leave me alone.

What feelings do I associate with these defects? Am I trying to surpress certain feelings by acting on a certain defect? Isolation, fear, loneliness, despair.  I pull away and use so I don't have to deal with the world at large, which mostly sucks as it is.

What would my life be like without this behavior? Which spiritual principle can I apply instead? Perhaps it would be easier to trust and open up to people if I didn't put them through my tidal mood swings.  I love you.  I hate you.  I need you.  Get away from me.  You complete me.  Get out of my life.  I need to be honest with myself.  I need to be open to the fact that these people want to help me and have my best interests at heart.  I need to be willing to accept the help that they offer.

The maelstrom of my life has struck a point of chaos within the storm.  There is no eye, only hurricaine for miles.  I have to believe that the storm will subside, but be ready to arm myself for battle and fight for what is mine.  I am entitled to certain things.  Not all things, but let this be known: hell hath no wrath like a mother scorned.

Will you bite the hand that  feeds you? Will you stay down on your knees?
~Enraged Ghost

Step Six: ...To Have The Goddess Remove ...

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

How am I trying to remove or control my own character defects?  What have my attempts resulted in? Forcing myself to close the distance between myself and other people has done nothing but make me want to withdraw even more.  My irritation with humanity in general grows the more I try to ignore it.

What is the difference between being entirely ready to have the Goddess remove my defects of character and  suppressing them myself? Active an passive forces I suppose.  Much like my use of drugs, the more control I attempt to assert, the more slippery and resistant it becomes.  To surrender is to let it go and not look back.

How am I increasing my trust in the Goddess of my understanding by working the steps? I have to trust that She will not take something away that I need in order to grow and develop as a person.  If I need to have something in my life right now, it will be there for me to learn from.  If I am done with it, then She will be rid of it with my permission.  I must permit Her to do Her job.

How does my surrender deepen in this step? The harder I grasp the less I have a grip on it.  I must let go in order to maintain serenity.

What action can I take that shows that I am entirely ready? I am working on a ritual with another Wiccan in recovery named Camilla.  I hope this will help curb any relapses.

All the things she said, running through my head, this is not enough
~GGGGG

Step Six: Entirely Ready for What?

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

Are there parts of me I like, but which might be "defects?" Am I afraid I'll turn into someone I on't like if those parts of my character are removed? I've always gone against the grain, as mainstream culture disgusts me.  I don't want to be normal.  I don't want to be like everybody else.

What do I think will be removed? Perhaps the compulsion to use or eat constantly.  My inability to maintain interpersonal relationships.  Fear.

Do I still believe in the process of recovery?  Do I  believe that I can  change?  How have I changed so far?  What defects do I no longer have to act out on? To be honest this "recovery" business within the lense of the twelve steps seems more and more like brainwashing, giving an ideal of what can save you and to hold onto it with all your might, making your faith unshakable in something as arbitrary as God.  What happens when "God" lets you down? Blame yourself for being unable to hear Its message clearly enough? Self reprimand seems counterproductive.  I'm willing to change to a certain degree, but only in a manner that is congruent with spiritual growth and better homeostasis.  Coming this far I have found that I can be more and more honest with myself instead of justifying each act out of desperation for acceptance from others, myself and the Goddess.  Like someone is watching me over my shoulder and secretly keeping count on how many times I fake feeling sick so that I can sleep in or the reasons behind my desire for a fix.  I am becoming more and more okay with that.  I can quell  the fear of lack of communication as I seem to have surrounded myself with a group of people that are honest and easy going.  They have no reason to lie to me.  And I to them. 

Do I have any defects that cannot be removed? What are they?  Why do I think they cannot be removed? My abysmal self esteem.  It's been battered and beaten my whole life and I'm not sure it can make a true comeback after it's been crippled for so long.  I will always be insecure.  I will always second guess myself.  I will always wonder if what people say is really what they mean.

And on that note, titty sprikles.
I am the high you can't sustain (and I control you)
~Ghost out

Interlude

The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee

Once again I have hit a wall of insecurity upon entering a new step of change through NA.  I need to be ready to have the Goddess "remove" ALL of my character defects.  Don't mean She will, but I suppose I have to want it to happen in order for it to be possible.  

But what if my defects make me ... ME?

Every part of me is in place for a reason.  It may be jumbled and warped, but to have everything negative about me be removed?  Wouldn't that make me some bland, happy, ignorant, blathering fool?  After step four, it's pretty  clear what's "good" and what's "bad." I see my destructive patterns and despise them, but how can I ever change them?? I've been this way for so fucking long I don't know any other way to live.

I suppose change has never been easy.

I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself, let alone all the little pieces, the big picture of life or even what to do day to day.  I've been nothing but irritated with people lately, and I want to stop talking to them outright.  But that would perpetuate an old cycle, wouldn't it?  I swear to the Goddess though, if I have to hear about the same problem one more time I'm going to bash my head into a wall.  Or hers.

I suppose on this cliff I have fear, but I must move forward.  If I don't I will never change from the way I am now, which is pretty disappointing.  I was told my character defects should fit on a matchbook cover,  because it really just boils down to eight or nine asinine traits. So I filled the bastard.  And it does indeed come down to a generalization of under ten traits that we all have, they just manifest in different ways.

Here's to change.

So many dirty little faces with their filthy little worn out broken down see through sores

~Ghost out