Sunday, June 9, 2013

Step Seven: Preparing to Work Step Seven

We Humbly Asked Her to Remove Our Shortcomings

Which of my attitudes have changed since I’ve been in recovery? Where has the overblown been deflated, and where has the healthy part of me been uncovered? I have acknowledged that not only reality exists, but must be respected, honored and lived.  The pain of life is no different, no less despair inducing and oppressing, but it is not a reason to go running away screaming.  I don't have to so vehemently reject it, fear it and ultimately discard it.  The want in me is slowly being replaced by motivation.

How does humility affect my recovery? HUMILITY: noun, the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance or rank.  Being realistic about my attitudes and beliefs in myself has given way to realistic expectations.  I am not god, but I am not helpless.  I am manipulative, lazy and cruel, but I am also empathetic, passionate and intelligent.  I must use these qualities to healthy ends, though I will not delude myself into thinking that I will use them for purely good.  I am human, and I make mistakes.  Even acts that are selfish or intended to harm don't have to be viewed as mistakes on my part -- simply steps taken in an attempt to live, experience and relate to other human beings.  Once I can be real with myself, I can be real with the world.  Which means facing it, for better or worse.

How does being aware of my own humility help when working this step? Being open to the idea that a Power greater than myself has the wherewithal to remove something from me, anything really, is a humbling thought in and of itself.  Trust comes into play.  How do I know that once I turn these things over that She won't take something else of mine that benefits me? Would it have helped me in the first place? See Step Three.  Faith and Trust are two completely different ideals.  I am dealing with the Faith aspect of the spectrum; having faith that this entity will open avenues for me to follow in order to rid myself of my addictive and harmful qualities.  The opportunity is there.  Now it's up for me to do the legwork.  Well fuck, there goes lazy.

How has my understanding of a Higher Power grown in the previous steps? How has my relationship with that Power developed? Well She has certainly gained a good amount of trust upon answering 'prayers' offered in desperation.  When I remembered, "Oh yeah, what ABOUT God?" things just fell into place, though through my eyes the answer has been tenuous at best.  I still worry about what is going to happen next week.  I still obsess over what happened last week.  They say "one day at a time," and it's beginning to make more and more sense by the hour.

How has my work on the previous steps made me ready to work the Seventh Step? Well step six is being entirely ready, isn't it? Life just keeps getting more ironic by the day.

I memorized the words to the porno movies.  It's the only thing I want to believe.
~Ghost out