Step Eight: Making Our List and Becoming Willing

We Made a List of All Persons We Had Harmed and Became Willing to Make Amends to Them All

List the people I've harmed and the specific ways I harmed each one.
-My Mom; I've stolen and borrowed countless dollars from her
-Tristan; I misled him, even though I didn't mean to, and it led to an ugly situation
-Misty; I broke her and Tristan up. Though Tristan was largely to blame as well, I played my part.
-John; I broke him and Alisha up. Alisha definitely had her part in it, but I did nothing to stop it.
-Bill; I stole a handful of pills from him a while back.
-Peter; I should have said a lot more than I did to save our marriage.
-Dave; Even though breathing down my neck pushed me away, I could have handled his concern a lot better.
-Doug; He hurt me the most, but my negligence caused it.
-Blythe; she was the first to call me on my shit, and died very angry with me.
-Airian; I pushed her away a little too readily

Why is saying "I'm sorry" alone not sufficient to repair the damage I have caused? Words are cheap, especially from someone who has hurt you.

Why is only changing my behavior not sufficient to repair the damage I have caused? No one will gain closure from this. If there is one thing in my life that I crave the most, it's closure.

Do I have financial amends that I don't want to make? A few, I'm still dealing with National Grid down my throat, so that's ongoing.

What would my life be like if I had already made these amends? I wouldn't feel bad about spending money.

Do I owe amends to people who have also harmed me? You betcha.

What have I done to become willing to make these amends? Swallowed my pride, even in some situations that were only partially my fault.  Pride is that thing that gets in the way of my forgiveness. Me and forgiveness have a bumpy road together...

Step Eight: Preparing to Work Step Eight

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Am I hesitating in any way about working the Eighth Step? Why? There are so many unsaid things to the people who used to be my family, and since Blythe is dead, there is nothing I CAN say to her.  That whole situation was a clusterfuck, and I don't want to reopen the can of worms...

Do I realize the need to slow down and consult my sponsor before making amends? I did rush in the past, and as a result Dave told me in short to fuck off.  I did it too soon, and didn't word it right.  I may never speak with him again, but I think I did my part and apologized for my part in the situation.

Have I created more harm in any situation by rushing out to make amends before I was ready?  How?  I shouldn't have put in that clause "you owe me an apology too, but I'll man up and apologize first."  That was arrogant of me, even though I fully believe it's the truth.  I was told to not even pray for him and his kids.  I fucked it up, and he'll never be a part of my life again.  Part of me is glad, but there is still a part of me that still mourns the loss.

List the resentments that are in the way of my willingness to make amends.

-Dave was entirely out of line in his disregard for my need for space, and held it against me
-Doug acted on a selfish impulse, and refused to try and make it work
-Blythe is now some kind of martyr, even though she was partially at fault herself
-Michelle is a crazy bitch who was responsible for a lot of grief for two months strait.  I can't stand to be in the same room as her.

Can I let these resentments go now?  If not, can I muster the willingness to add these names to my list anyway, and worry about becoming willing later? I'm getting better at letting things go, so the more recent offenses are easier to forgive.  Michelle for instance.  She is sick.  I have no desire to "help" her like the Big Book says, but I can see that her offense was a direct result of her disease.  I'm going to have to get over what my old family did to me if I ever want to get over it.

Are there any people to whom I owe amends who may be a threat to my safety or about whom I'm truly concerned in some other way?  What are my fears? If I try to apologize again to Dave or Doug I'm just going to make it worse.  I've said my peace.  No, it's not "fine," but it's time to get on with my life.

I bleed it out, dig it deeper just to throw it away

Step Seven: Moving On

We Humbly Asked Her to Remove Our Shortcomings

Have there been times when I've been able to refrain from acting on a character defect and practice a spiritual principle instead? Do I recognize this as God working in my life? Well I'm not seeing the instinct to overreact slow down quite yet, but I am able to reflect afterward, calm down and talk it out with an apology.  I can set my pride aside and admit that I'm wrong.  I was a jerk.  I was wrong, and I'll try to make it right.  I can, however, swing wildly to the other extreme and become a doormat sometimes, so I need to be very careful.  It's so hard to tell where my accountability ends and where theirs begins...

 

Which shortcomings have been removed from my life or diminished in their power over me? Pride.  Greed. I was so ungrateful before, when had everything I had the nerve to still be miserable and complained loudly.  Now I have nothing, and need to realize that I am entitled to nothing.  I am grateful for a roof, electricity, hot water, heat and a place in my daughter's life.  I'm grateful for toilet paper and clothes on my back.  These are things that some people just don't have in other countries.  I'm the poorest jack in town, and yet I would be living like a king in some third world country.  In place of pride, I have gratitude.  And for that I am thankful.

 

Why does the Seventh Step foster a sense of serenity?My spirit allies have my back.  Sometimes I take my faults back, but they gently remind me to let them go again.  It sure beats taking the opiates back.  If I let the defects back, it's only a matter of time before I let the other not so good stuff back in too.  I am not alone in this.  I set some time aside for the Lord and Lady every night.  I find peace at least for a few minutes a day, and it's better than nothing.

 

Mirror, mirror on the wall/ To a place beyond the coast/ You're a damned kind can't you see/that the winds have changed?

~Ghost Out

 

Step Seven: Spiritual Principles

We Humbly Asked Her to Remove Our Shortcomings

Have I accepted my powerlessness over my shortcomings as well as my addiction? Expand on this. I suppose the gamut of all of this is that if you cannot practice something in moderation, don't practice it at all.  Powerless is not helpless.  Nor is it an excuse to act on these shortcomings.  If I keep thinking the way I have been, I am doomed to relapse.  If nothing changes, nothing changes.  I have to change the mode in which things are perceived, which is a shortcoming in and of itself, and once I challenge that, everything else falls into place.  I cannot change anything by using old modes of thought.  I am not helpless to take another path however.

How has my surrender deepened?I'll say.  Trust in my Higher Power has come leaps and bounds.  I feel I have been put through a lot these past four and a half years in order to show me that playing with fire will get you burned.  I have to trust that things will pan out, with or without me.  I can participate and influence things in my favor, or run away and let the path of least resistance prevail.  Oftentimes, that path gets very dark. The fool learns from his mistakes.  The wise man learns from others' mistakes.  But who, in the end... is truly wiser?

Do I believe that my Higher Power will remove my shortcomings or grant me freedom from the compulsion to act on them? Do I believe that I’ll be a better person as a result of working this step? If I have learned anything from meetings, it is that She will remove them on her own time.  Sometimes it helps to recognize a shortcoming and maneuver around it.  This grants better understanding of the self and the situation at hand.  She'll take them if I let her.  And if I find them cropping back up, it is because I haven't let them go fully.  I'm ready to grow, so yes, I will be a better person for it.

How does my faith in the God of my understanding become stronger as a result of working this step? You can't give yourself completely to something without trusting it implicitly.  Trust is a rather large issue for me, and learning to do so -- getting burned or not -- is a process.  The first of which, is of course, the Goddess and the God.  To trust Them is to surrender.  To surrender is to be free.

Where have I had opportunities for growth lately? What did I make of them? Peter is trying to take my little girl away from me.  I thought I had until she was at least 18 in order to find a reason to do this for myself.  If not for me, then for her, right?  Wrong.  I need to do this for me now, and do so before I am forced to.

Do I believe that only my Higher Power can remove my shortcomings? Or have I been trying to do it myself? I'm queen of solitary confinement.  I don't need help.  I don't want help.  Fuck off if you offer.  But little by little, bit by bit, I know that I cannot do this alone. And to have a little faith means being humble enough to admit a need for help.  There are ample opportunities my Higher Power throws at me.  She can lead me to water, but she cannot make me drink.  I need to know when I'm put in a situation that may be painful, but necessary.  The more I try to control it, the more it squirms out of my grasp.  Minimal force needed.  Let it happen while not standing idly by.  A tough balance to strike, but mastery warrants happiness.

Have I become impatient that my shortcomings haven’t been removed right away, as soon as I asked? Or am I confident that they will be removed in God’s time? Confident is not a word I'm familiar with on the regular, but it comes down to trust.  I'm already seeing my humbleness in droves, and that I am capable of that is inspiring.  What else am I capable of? I am inclined to question.  And I intend to find out.  Patience.

Has my sense of perspective been out of proportion lately? Have I begun thinking of myself as more significant or more powerful than I really am? I wish.  If I want to power back, I can always take it, and all the weight that comes with it.  Each step makes my burden a little lighter.  I am not the center of the universe.  Not everybody is out to get me (only a select, deranged few).  There is no conspiracy.  I'm a drop in the bucket, wanting to be the drop that makes the bucket overflow.

Look what you had to start, why all the change of heart? you need to play your part

~Ghosty with the mosty

Step Seven: Getting Out of the Way

We Humbly Asked Her to Remove Our Shortcomings

How does the spiritual principle of surrender apply to getting out of the way so a Higher Power can work in our lives? I was told at a meeting once that you can either let go and let it happen or hang on and get dragged along.  Also if you are not moving forward (or at least sideways), you are sliding backwards.  I have done nothing a lot and caused a lot of damage just by standing still.  Like stubbornly crossing my arms and saying, "nope, you can't make me."  Pride and stubbornness were my downfalls.  The Serenity Prayer has been my saving grace lately.  I must change the things I can, but not rage at things I cannot in a futile fight.

If things were meant to happen, things will happen.  But I have to participate in my life, not idly watch it go by.

What might be the benefits of allowing a Higher Power to work in my life? My best thinking landed me here.  We smart addicts think too much, and we get in our own way a lot.  My dad says we're the worst kind.  I couldn't do it on my own.  Time to let someone else guide me.  I'm still in the drivers seat, I just need a different map.  A GPS. Stop and ask for directions.  You'd think I was a man or something (snort). 

How do I feel, knowing that a Higher Power is caring for me and working in my life? A lot of people might say 'relieved' or 'inspired.'  Fuck that.  I'm apprehensive as hell.  I'm so used to being in control that letting go is a very scary thing.  To trust the Higher Power of my understanding is to admit defeat, which is what I essentially did in step one.  If She can get me this far, she can put me in opportunities I never thought possible.  Challenges that are coming at me when I think I'm down and out for the count are forcing me back to my feet in ways I never imagined I could do.  She keeps me on my toes I guess.  I find that introspection for myself is quite difficult, but then again if it were easy, that would be an insult to my intelligence or complexity, wouldn't it? har har har.

I'm running out of places I can hide from this

~Ghost out

Step Seven: Asking to Have Our Shortcomings Removed

Humbly Asked Her To Remove Our Shortcomings

How will I ask the God of my understanding to remove my shortcomings? I had a ritual in mind, involving the seven gates that Innana passed through in her hubris to challenge her sister Ereshkegal, Lady of the Underworld.  At each of these gates, she had to leave something behind.  Ereshkegal struck her down after she was led through naked on her hands and knees and Enki had to come rescue her.  Going back through, she gained aspects of wisdom after a hard lesson learned (her sister pretty much kicked her ass).  This myth is congruent to the challenges of life.  We as humans face an average of seven in our lifetime (though by no means is that number set in stone).  Each time we come back stronger, or at the very least changed.  I want to recover with grace, not be deformed by the very madness that makes me myself.

Can other recovering addicts help me figure out how I’m going to ask? Have I asked them to share their experience, strength, and hope with me? Have I asked my sponsor for guidance?  Elaine is pretty oblivious to Pagan thought, though Camilla might have some insight.  Unfortunately Camilla lives in Millerton, about two hours away, and is very busy caring for her deathly ill partner.  She doesn't return phone calls often, and is one of the only other Wiccans I know within the program.  This may have to be a solitary ritual.  Elaine has offered to help, though her lack of knowledge in the area has proven quite and obstacle.  I can't keep putting this off.  If I have to do it by myself, then so mote it be.

The more we change, everything stays the same

~Ghost

Step Seven: Preparing to Work Step Seven

We Humbly Asked Her to Remove Our Shortcomings

Which of my attitudes have changed since I’ve been in recovery? Where has the overblown been deflated, and where has the healthy part of me been uncovered? I have acknowledged that not only reality exists, but must be respected, honored and lived.  The pain of life is no different, no less despair inducing and oppressing, but it is not a reason to go running away screaming.  I don't have to so vehemently reject it, fear it and ultimately discard it.  The want in me is slowly being replaced by motivation.

How does humility affect my recovery? HUMILITY: noun, the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance or rank.  Being realistic about my attitudes and beliefs in myself has given way to realistic expectations.  I am not god, but I am not helpless.  I am manipulative, lazy and cruel, but I am also empathetic, passionate and intelligent.  I must use these qualities to healthy ends, though I will not delude myself into thinking that I will use them for purely good.  I am human, and I make mistakes.  Even acts that are selfish or intended to harm don't have to be viewed as mistakes on my part -- simply steps taken in an attempt to live, experience and relate to other human beings.  Once I can be real with myself, I can be real with the world.  Which means facing it, for better or worse.

How does being aware of my own humility help when working this step? Being open to the idea that a Power greater than myself has the wherewithal to remove something from me, anything really, is a humbling thought in and of itself.  Trust comes into play.  How do I know that once I turn these things over that She won't take something else of mine that benefits me? Would it have helped me in the first place? See Step Three.  Faith and Trust are two completely different ideals.  I am dealing with the Faith aspect of the spectrum; having faith that this entity will open avenues for me to follow in order to rid myself of my addictive and harmful qualities.  The opportunity is there.  Now it's up for me to do the legwork.  Well fuck, there goes lazy.

How has my understanding of a Higher Power grown in the previous steps? How has my relationship with that Power developed? Well She has certainly gained a good amount of trust upon answering 'prayers' offered in desperation.  When I remembered, "Oh yeah, what ABOUT God?" things just fell into place, though through my eyes the answer has been tenuous at best.  I still worry about what is going to happen next week.  I still obsess over what happened last week.  They say "one day at a time," and it's beginning to make more and more sense by the hour.

How has my work on the previous steps made me ready to work the Seventh Step? Well step six is being entirely ready, isn't it? Life just keeps getting more ironic by the day.

I memorized the words to the porno movies.  It's the only thing I want to believe.

~Ghost out

 

Step Six: Moving On

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

What do I see myself doing with the qualities I wish to attain? If I want spiritual peace, I must walk the Black Path and follow my Higher Power to higher states of awareness.  If I want to publish a book, I have to work on it.  If I want to be calm, I have to stop worrying so much about the little shit.

What will I do with my career? What career? I've blown that one out of the water irreversibly.

What will I do with my spare time? Be more creative, be more spiritual and be there for the people that love me and that I love.

What kind of parent, child, partner or  friend will I be? I can raise a daughter far better with a clear heart and a focused mind.  I will reach out to my partner instead of holding it in.  I will return favors instead of just taking them, and I will not brush off others' feelings so easily.

Empathy is my biggest flaw.  No, I take that back.  Giving a fuck is my defect here, and when it's an inconvenience to me I rarely lift a finger.  My give-a-fuck meter is stuck on "nuh-uh."  I want it at least in the "tepid" state at worst.  I don't want to be a user anymore.  I don't want to have nothing to offer in return.

Going on and on I have the future in my hands
~Ghost out

Step Six: Spiritual Principles

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove our defects of character

How am I demonstrating my commitment to recovery at this point? I have been throwing myself at service work, putting myself in the center of PI and getting voted onto the panel of local H&I.

By working the first five steps, I have persevered in my recovery.  Why is this quality so vital to the sixth step? I've come this far.  I can't look back. Everything is on the table at this point, and there is no point in turning in now.  Go big or go home.

Am I willing to have all my defects of character removed at this time?  If not, why not? I am still apprehensive at this point, but willing? Yes. I may not like all of me, but its a part of me that makes me me.  If I am not me ... who am I? I'm not claiming to know myself very well, but there are parts of me I want to know.  What if those are the parts that are taken away?

What have I done to show my willingness today? I socialized.  I didn't like it, but I tried to show my gratitude and charisma to Nate's mother.  She was cool.

Do I accept myself today?  What do I like about myself?  What has changed since I've been working the steps? Of course I don't accept myself.  Why would I be on a plethora of psyche meds if I did?  I see a counselor, I take anxiety medication, I don't understand myself and the never ending quest is a source of anguish.  I can, however, accept the fact that I don't accept myself the way I am, mostly because I am not done growing.  I like my intelligence, my creativity and my ability to lose myself into music like no other.  I feel it.  I live it.  It is me, and sometimes it speaks to me. I guess that makes me crazy.  But I like to think it's the genius kind of crazy and not the psychotic kind.  Since working the steps I have discovered all sorts of things about myself that I may or may not like, and can relax a little about it.  Because just for today, it's okay.

I'm still breathing
~Ghost

Step Six: Our Defects of Character

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all our defects of character

List each defect and a brief description of it. Anger. I hate people. Disgust.  I hate people. Withdrawal. I. HATE. PEOPLE.

In what ways do I act on these defects? I pull away from the people I know and love; the people that care about me and want me to succeed.  I push them away to deal with things all by my lone self so no one else is burdened.  I can handle this myself and I don't need your help, thank you very much.

When I act on these defects, what effect does it have on myself and others? I get lonely so I want to use.  People think I don't care or are maliciously seeking to hurt them, when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.  I don't want to be touched or talked to, but it's not like I'm trying to hurt anyone.  Just leave me alone.

What feelings do I associate with these defects? Am I trying to surpress certain feelings by acting on a certain defect? Isolation, fear, loneliness, despair.  I pull away and use so I don't have to deal with the world at large, which mostly sucks as it is.

What would my life be like without this behavior? Which spiritual principle can I apply instead? Perhaps it would be easier to trust and open up to people if I didn't put them through my tidal mood swings.  I love you.  I hate you.  I need you.  Get away from me.  You complete me.  Get out of my life.  I need to be honest with myself.  I need to be open to the fact that these people want to help me and have my best interests at heart.  I need to be willing to accept the help that they offer.

The maelstrom of my life has struck a point of chaos within the storm.  There is no eye, only hurricaine for miles.  I have to believe that the storm will subside, but be ready to arm myself for battle and fight for what is mine.  I am entitled to certain things.  Not all things, but let this be known: hell hath no wrath like a mother scorned.

Will you bite the hand that  feeds you? Will you stay down on your knees?
~Enraged Ghost

Step Six: ...To Have The Goddess Remove ...

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

How am I trying to remove or control my own character defects?  What have my attempts resulted in? Forcing myself to close the distance between myself and other people has done nothing but make me want to withdraw even more.  My irritation with humanity in general grows the more I try to ignore it.

What is the difference between being entirely ready to have the Goddess remove my defects of character and  suppressing them myself? Active an passive forces I suppose.  Much like my use of drugs, the more control I attempt to assert, the more slippery and resistant it becomes.  To surrender is to let it go and not look back.

How am I increasing my trust in the Goddess of my understanding by working the steps? I have to trust that She will not take something away that I need in order to grow and develop as a person.  If I need to have something in my life right now, it will be there for me to learn from.  If I am done with it, then She will be rid of it with my permission.  I must permit Her to do Her job.

How does my surrender deepen in this step? The harder I grasp the less I have a grip on it.  I must let go in order to maintain serenity.

What action can I take that shows that I am entirely ready? I am working on a ritual with another Wiccan in recovery named Camilla.  I hope this will help curb any relapses.

All the things she said, running through my head, this is not enough
~GGGGG

Step Six: Entirely Ready for What?

We were entirely ready to have the Goddess remove all these defects of character

Are there parts of me I like, but which might be "defects?" Am I afraid I'll turn into someone I on't like if those parts of my character are removed? I've always gone against the grain, as mainstream culture disgusts me.  I don't want to be normal.  I don't want to be like everybody else.

What do I think will be removed? Perhaps the compulsion to use or eat constantly.  My inability to maintain interpersonal relationships.  Fear.

Do I still believe in the process of recovery?  Do I  believe that I can  change?  How have I changed so far?  What defects do I no longer have to act out on? To be honest this "recovery" business within the lense of the twelve steps seems more and more like brainwashing, giving an ideal of what can save you and to hold onto it with all your might, making your faith unshakable in something as arbitrary as God.  What happens when "God" lets you down? Blame yourself for being unable to hear Its message clearly enough? Self reprimand seems counterproductive.  I'm willing to change to a certain degree, but only in a manner that is congruent with spiritual growth and better homeostasis.  Coming this far I have found that I can be more and more honest with myself instead of justifying each act out of desperation for acceptance from others, myself and the Goddess.  Like someone is watching me over my shoulder and secretly keeping count on how many times I fake feeling sick so that I can sleep in or the reasons behind my desire for a fix.  I am becoming more and more okay with that.  I can quell  the fear of lack of communication as I seem to have surrounded myself with a group of people that are honest and easy going.  They have no reason to lie to me.  And I to them. 

Do I have any defects that cannot be removed? What are they?  Why do I think they cannot be removed? My abysmal self esteem.  It's been battered and beaten my whole life and I'm not sure it can make a true comeback after it's been crippled for so long.  I will always be insecure.  I will always second guess myself.  I will always wonder if what people say is really what they mean.

And on that note, titty sprikles.
I am the high you can't sustain (and I control you)
~Ghost out

Interlude

The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee

Once again I have hit a wall of insecurity upon entering a new step of change through NA.  I need to be ready to have the Goddess "remove" ALL of my character defects.  Don't mean She will, but I suppose I have to want it to happen in order for it to be possible.  

But what if my defects make me ... ME?

Every part of me is in place for a reason.  It may be jumbled and warped, but to have everything negative about me be removed?  Wouldn't that make me some bland, happy, ignorant, blathering fool?  After step four, it's pretty  clear what's "good" and what's "bad." I see my destructive patterns and despise them, but how can I ever change them?? I've been this way for so fucking long I don't know any other way to live.

I suppose change has never been easy.

I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself, let alone all the little pieces, the big picture of life or even what to do day to day.  I've been nothing but irritated with people lately, and I want to stop talking to them outright.  But that would perpetuate an old cycle, wouldn't it?  I swear to the Goddess though, if I have to hear about the same problem one more time I'm going to bash my head into a wall.  Or hers.

I suppose on this cliff I have fear, but I must move forward.  If I don't I will never change from the way I am now, which is pretty disappointing.  I was told my character defects should fit on a matchbook cover,  because it really just boils down to eight or nine asinine traits. So I filled the bastard.  And it does indeed come down to a generalization of under ten traits that we all have, they just manifest in different ways.

Here's to change.

So many dirty little faces with their filthy little worn out broken down see through sores

~Ghost out

Step Five: Moving On

We admitted to the Goddess, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

How has working Step Five increased my humility and self-acceptance?  It's all on the table, and sharing it has proved that yes, it was horrible, but I'm still an alright person, if only a bit damaged.  We're all damaged otherwise we wouldn't be in the Fellowship.  I can see where I am, where I was and where I need to go. 

How has my relationship with a Higher Power changed as a result of working the Fifth Step?  By taking into account what my Godself is telling me, I need to have patience with myself.  Change doesn't always come on suddenly.  She encourages me to change my habits slowly and effectively.

How has my relsationship with my sponsor changed as a result of working the Fifth Step? Elaine has been struggling to understand the extent of my Wiccan roots. She took the initiative and brought me to another recovering addict that was also Pagan.  We got stuck in a ditch and had to get ourselves towed out, so there was lots of time to chat.  I learned a lot, and so did Elaine.  I couldn't have asked for a more dedicated and down to earth sponsor.

How has my view of myself changed as aresult of working this step? The only change in myself is the level of honesty with myself about painful things in my past.  I guard my woes, let them fester into a septic level of emotional weariness.  It's time to let it heal, leave it alone and accept that it is in the past.  It's okay to grieve... to an extent. 

To what extent have I developed love and compassion for myself and others? ehhhhh still working on that one.  I've largely lost faith in humanity and seek to learn from other's mistakes. 

Honesty is key here.  Now all I need to do is relate this honesty to my own faults and know them.  Name them.  Be rid of them.

You say there's beauty in a scar, what a stupid thing you are
~Ghost

Step Five: Spiritual Principles

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Do I believe that working the Fifth Step will somehow make my life better?  How? Once I come clean about everything in my life that I feel ashamed of, it's like a weight being lifted off of my chest.  The wounds are reopened and raw, but it is time to heal.

What are some of the ways in which I can find the courage I need to work this step? Trust, largely. No longer being ashamed of things that are not my fault is a big step for me.  I feel that I am always a catalyst in every situation I touch.  Sometimes for the better, a lot of times for the worst.  Casting off deception, especially self-delusion, with no holds bar gives me license to feel however its going to make me feel without censorship.

 How does practicing the principle of courage in working this step affect my whole recovery? By uncovering what drove me to use in the first place, be it physical pain or emotional, I can move forward with no regrets.  Its all out on the table now, and the next few steps are going to be unimaginably difficult.  I have to trust my Higher Power will guide me in this delicate stage of recovery.

Have I set a time and place for my Fifth Step? When and where? Done and done.  Elaine went well out of her way in order to give me a conversation with another Wiccan in recovery.  I am very grateful for that opportunity to speak with someone who can relate to my own personal spiritual recovery.  Goddess is a go.

How have I avoided self-honesty in the past?  What am I doing to practice it now? Self-honesty while addicted? Bah! I avoided everything about myself with drugs with a passion.  I can't stand to spend time with myself my self-esteem is so crushed and bruised.  The film reel in my head does nothing but constantly reminding me that I'm a fool and a klutz when it comes to interpersonal relationships.  I now acknowledge it as a part of my life and can reexamine without bias.

How is a more realistic view of myself connected to humility? Humility to accept that the past is unchangeable and is long gone.  I humbly accept the nature of our linear perception of this universe, on a one way street to whatever ends we find after this incarnation is over.  Now its time to let it go.

How does practicing the principle of self-honesty help me accept myself? There's no changing the past, but I can shape my fluid future by not dwelling on things that have happened to me and things that I have made happen to others, with intention or not.

How does sharing my inventory with my sponsor further my commitment to the NA program? Another step down, another to go.  To live in recovery requires vigilance, and the more honest I am, the better I can overcome addiction.

Brenda wants me to become her sponsor.  I'm not really sure how that would work out, because even though I now have sixty days clean, I still feel like I did when I acquired my white keytag.  Hanging on by a thread to my sobriety with pitfalls anywhere I go.  I have to tiptoe around the using in order to not put myself in a position in which I become powerless over it again.  People, places and things. They all have to change, and though I profess change on a regular basis, I find it hard to practice what I preach a lot.  I know what I have to do.  I'm just weighed down with all this shit that makes progress difficult.

Without you is how I disappear
 ~Ghost

Step Five: The Exact Nature of Our Wrongs

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

How does the exact nature of our wrongs differ from my actions? I don't put in as much as I take in relationships it seems.  There is a fundamental lack of communication once I feel that I don't need to earn love anymore. Once a conflict presents itself my first instinct is to run instead of pounding it out.  I feel attacked when confronted on my wrongs, real or imagined. The exact nature of the wrongs stems from cowardice.

Why do I need to admit the exact nature of my wrongs and not just the wrongs themselves? They grow from the root of the problem: cowardice and fear.  I was taught to fear my father and be strong for my mother.  This caused a pattern of fear from older men, judgment and avoidance.  The escape hurts others because in isolation I cut everyone off.  And it's not fair to them.  When Airian had her little meltdown last week I pointed out that it was okay for Matt to drop off the face of the face of the planet for two months, but I can't?  Frustrating.

I am very tired of running on a hamster wheel when it comes to interactions with others.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, and the people around me trying to remind me that I need to trust once in a while get burned in the process.  I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

Why are you haunting me?
~Ghosty

Step Five: And to Another Human Being

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

What qualities does my listener have that are attractive to me? Elaine has a lot of clean time under her belt and has gone through situations similar to my own.  She'll say she can relate to different parts of my life story, and that feels good.  It's nice to know that someone out there understands the difficulty of dealing with cravings in order to escape the film reel in my head.  Nate also has read through and has stated his empathy in the matter.  Things suck, shit happens and all you can do is get back up and continue, knowing that the roads ahead get easier to traverse, especially with help.

How will his or her possession of these qualities help me make my admissions more effective?  It's easier to confess my wrongs from someone outside of the situation.  Attempting to put it all out on the table is a lot easier if the person can make an unbiased conclusion and can offer better input on it.

Am I willing to trust the person who is to hear my Fifth Step? Both Elaine and Nate are people that I would probably trust with my life (except when Elaine drives.  Then I get a little concerned... :) ).  Trust is not something that comes easily to me, and I tend to run away at the first sign of trouble instead of sticking out and being a better person for the struggle.  My gratitude to them is limitless, for loving me just the way I am, baggage and all.

What do I expect from that person? Unconditional acceptance.  Honesty.  Relatability (is that a word? well it is now).  Life experience.

How will working the Fifth Step help me begin to develop new ways of having relationships? I have been preaching honesty no matter what since my family fell apart, and I try to live up to that ideal with a fierce drive.  Any relationship depends on communication and honesty.  Love is not enough to make a relationship work, as I discovered with Alisha last year.  It's a two way street.

Relationships have always been very hard for me to maintain as far back as I can remember.  I touch the stove and burn my hand.  And like an idiot I try again and, surprise!, it's still hot.  If that's not the definition of insanity, I don't know what is. 

~Ghost

Step Five: Admitted to Ourselves

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Can I acknowledge and accept the exact nature of our wrongs? I'll have to if I want to continue to live in recovery.  I've done a lot of shitty things and a lot of shitty things were done to me.  I don't have to like it in order to accept it.  I'm giving my shadow self license to feel even the most detrimental of emotions.  Instead of a struggle, I would like to dance with the shadow.  It needs to become my ally in order to face the wreckage of my life.  I'm trying to get my act together here.  My cowardice is paramount to heal and change.  Running away is not the answer, and the sooner I realize and practice this, the sooner I can come to terms with unbearable emotions.

How will making this admission change the direction of my life? Pinpointing exactly what drove me to use in the first place is a valuable asset.  That way, once I identify patterns and see it all happening again, I'll know what to do.  I need to stick to my guns and reply to the affront instead of walking away from it (quite briskly).  I can't let my loneliness make decisions for me, nor should I allow the drugs, despair or my anger guide me into a clusterfuck.  I am aware. Now I just have to act on it.

I'm so mentally exhausted, I don't know what I can do at the moment.  I will check my medication with Steve at some point and perhaps discuss a norepiniphrine shortage.

If I were twice the man I could be, I'd still be half of what you'd need

~Ghostness

Step Five: Admitted to the Goddess

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

How will I include the Goddess in my fifth step? perhaps I can get some advice from a woman named Camilla that Elaine is taking me to see on monday.  She is Wiccan and has a lot of clean time under her belt.  Perhaps going over my inventory within a circle would be appropriate.  Or even just lighting a candle to acknowledge Her presence would suffice.  She already knows everything there is to know about me because she is a part of me.  However it needs to be addressed aloud and in detail in order to gain the full benefit in order to reap the fruits of my labors in order to stay clean.

How is my third step decision reaffirmed by working the fifth step? Well I've admitted that the Goddess or my Godself is the Higher Power of my choice.  It knows better than anyone my merits and flaws and how to change it in a direct manner.  If I hadn't turned my will over to Her Will, then I don't think I would have gotten this far in recovery. 

Being a Pagan in a sea of Christians is difficult, as the program is open, but a little more streamlined to  Judeo-Christian thought.  It is still possible however, that I can follow a program with small tweaks and changes to make it more Wicca friendly.  Namely saying "Goddess" instead of "God," just to mix things up a little bit. 

You will never, never, never, never, never, never get to me in here...
~Ghost

Step Five: Facing Fears

We admitted to ourselves, the Goddess and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

What reservations do I have about working step five? I fear misunderstanding and miscommunication on the matters of my addiction, my Higher Power and my cowardice.  I fear judgment and confusion.  I don't feel entirely understood and I fear losing trust or respect.

Do I have any fears at this point? What are they? I don't want to go to rehab.  I don't want to admit the full extent of my addiction to my family.  I feel like they don't need to know.  I wouldn't lie, but I'm not exactly presenting the information, either. 

What am I doing to work through my fears about doing the fifth step? I'm sucking it up and doing it anyway, no matter how uncomfortable I get.  If I cry, oh well.

How has working the first four steps prepared me to work the fifth step? It has certainly made clear the wrongs I have committed and exactly what I need to do in order to face them. 

Sharing the nastiest parts of myself is terrifying, because it takes a remarkable amount of trust.  I'm pretty sure I can trust Elaine, but its that fear of getting burned again.  Then again, I have nothing to hide anymore, which I suppose is why this is on a public blog.  I am open and honest in my doings and will not willingly tell a lie.  If I speak, it must be true, it must be kind and it must be necessary.

 I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
~GHOST MUTHAFUCKA