Thursday, February 12, 2015

Step Eight: Preparing to Work Step Eight

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Am I hesitating in any way about working the Eighth Step? Why? There are so many unsaid things to the people who used to be my family, and since Blythe is dead, there is nothing I CAN say to her.  That whole situation was a clusterfuck, and I don't want to reopen the can of worms...

Do I realize the need to slow down and consult my sponsor before making amends? I did rush in the past, and as a result Dave told me in short to fuck off.  I did it too soon, and didn't word it right.  I may never speak with him again, but I think I did my part and apologized for my part in the situation.

Have I created more harm in any situation by rushing out to make amends before I was ready?  How?  I shouldn't have put in that clause "you owe me an apology too, but I'll man up and apologize first."  That was arrogant of me, even though I fully believe it's the truth.  I was told to not even pray for him and his kids.  I fucked it up, and he'll never be a part of my life again.  Part of me is glad, but there is still a part of me that still mourns the loss.

List the resentments that are in the way of my willingness to make amends.

-Dave was entirely out of line in his disregard for my need for space, and held it against me
-Doug acted on a selfish impulse, and refused to try and make it work
-Blythe is now some kind of martyr, even though she was partially at fault herself
-Michelle is a crazy bitch who was responsible for a lot of grief for two months strait.  I can't stand to be in the same room as her.

Can I let these resentments go now?  If not, can I muster the willingness to add these names to my list anyway, and worry about becoming willing later? I'm getting better at letting things go, so the more recent offenses are easier to forgive.  Michelle for instance.  She is sick.  I have no desire to "help" her like the Big Book says, but I can see that her offense was a direct result of her disease.  I'm going to have to get over what my old family did to me if I ever want to get over it.

Are there any people to whom I owe amends who may be a threat to my safety or about whom I'm truly concerned in some other way?  What are my fears? If I try to apologize again to Dave or Doug I'm just going to make it worse.  I've said my peace.  No, it's not "fine," but it's time to get on with my life.

I bleed it out, dig it deeper just to throw it away