Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Step Five: Moving On

We admitted to the Goddess, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

How has working Step Five increased my humility and self-acceptance?  It's all on the table, and sharing it has proved that yes, it was horrible, but I'm still an alright person, if only a bit damaged.  We're all damaged otherwise we wouldn't be in the Fellowship.  I can see where I am, where I was and where I need to go. 

How has my relationship with a Higher Power changed as a result of working the Fifth Step?  By taking into account what my Godself is telling me, I need to have patience with myself.  Change doesn't always come on suddenly.  She encourages me to change my habits slowly and effectively.

How has my relsationship with my sponsor changed as a result of working the Fifth Step? Elaine has been struggling to understand the extent of my Wiccan roots. She took the initiative and brought me to another recovering addict that was also Pagan.  We got stuck in a ditch and had to get ourselves towed out, so there was lots of time to chat.  I learned a lot, and so did Elaine.  I couldn't have asked for a more dedicated and down to earth sponsor.

How has my view of myself changed as aresult of working this step? The only change in myself is the level of honesty with myself about painful things in my past.  I guard my woes, let them fester into a septic level of emotional weariness.  It's time to let it heal, leave it alone and accept that it is in the past.  It's okay to grieve... to an extent. 

To what extent have I developed love and compassion for myself and others? ehhhhh still working on that one.  I've largely lost faith in humanity and seek to learn from other's mistakes. 

Honesty is key here.  Now all I need to do is relate this honesty to my own faults and know them.  Name them.  Be rid of them.

You say there's beauty in a scar, what a stupid thing you are

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Step Five: Spiritual Principles

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Do I believe that working the Fifth Step will somehow make my life better?  How? Once I come clean about everything in my life that I feel ashamed of, it's like a weight being lifted off of my chest.  The wounds are reopened and raw, but it is time to heal.

What are some of the ways in which I can find the courage I need to work this step? Trust, largely. No longer being ashamed of things that are not my fault is a big step for me.  I feel that I am always a catalyst in every situation I touch.  Sometimes for the better, a lot of times for the worst.  Casting off deception, especially self-delusion, with no holds bar gives me license to feel however its going to make me feel without censorship.

 How does practicing the principle of courage in working this step affect my whole recovery? By uncovering what drove me to use in the first place, be it physical pain or emotional, I can move forward with no regrets.  Its all out on the table now, and the next few steps are going to be unimaginably difficult.  I have to trust my Higher Power will guide me in this delicate stage of recovery.

Have I set a time and place for my Fifth Step? When and where? Done and done.  Elaine went well out of her way in order to give me a conversation with another Wiccan in recovery.  I am very grateful for that opportunity to speak with someone who can relate to my own personal spiritual recovery.  Goddess is a go.

How have I avoided self-honesty in the past?  What am I doing to practice it now? Self-honesty while addicted? Bah! I avoided everything about myself with drugs with a passion.  I can't stand to spend time with myself my self-esteem is so crushed and bruised.  The film reel in my head does nothing but constantly reminding me that I'm a fool and a klutz when it comes to interpersonal relationships.  I now acknowledge it as a part of my life and can reexamine without bias.

How is a more realistic view of myself connected to humility? Humility to accept that the past is unchangeable and is long gone.  I humbly accept the nature of our linear perception of this universe, on a one way street to whatever ends we find after this incarnation is over.  Now its time to let it go.

How does practicing the principle of self-honesty help me accept myself? There's no changing the past, but I can shape my fluid future by not dwelling on things that have happened to me and things that I have made happen to others, with intention or not.

How does sharing my inventory with my sponsor further my commitment to the NA program? Another step down, another to go.  To live in recovery requires vigilance, and the more honest I am, the better I can overcome addiction.

Brenda wants me to become her sponsor.  I'm not really sure how that would work out, because even though I now have sixty days clean, I still feel like I did when I acquired my white keytag.  Hanging on by a thread to my sobriety with pitfalls anywhere I go.  I have to tiptoe around the using in order to not put myself in a position in which I become powerless over it again.  People, places and things. They all have to change, and though I profess change on a regular basis, I find it hard to practice what I preach a lot.  I know what I have to do.  I'm just weighed down with all this shit that makes progress difficult.

Without you is how I disappear

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Step Five: The Exact Nature of Our Wrongs

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

How does the exact nature of our wrongs differ from my actions? I don't put in as much as I take in relationships it seems.  There is a fundamental lack of communication once I feel that I don't need to earn love anymore. Once a conflict presents itself my first instinct is to run instead of pounding it out.  I feel attacked when confronted on my wrongs, real or imagined. The exact nature of the wrongs stems from cowardice.

Why do I need to admit the exact nature of my wrongs and not just the wrongs themselves? They grow from the root of the problem: cowardice and fear.  I was taught to fear my father and be strong for my mother.  This caused a pattern of fear from older men, judgment and avoidance.  The escape hurts others because in isolation I cut everyone off.  And it's not fair to them.  When Airian had her little meltdown last week I pointed out that it was okay for Matt to drop off the face of the face of the planet for two months, but I can't?  Frustrating.

I am very tired of running on a hamster wheel when it comes to interactions with others.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, and the people around me trying to remind me that I need to trust once in a while get burned in the process.  I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

Why are you haunting me?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Step Five: And to Another Human Being

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

What qualities does my listener have that are attractive to me? Elaine has a lot of clean time under her belt and has gone through situations similar to my own.  She'll say she can relate to different parts of my life story, and that feels good.  It's nice to know that someone out there understands the difficulty of dealing with cravings in order to escape the film reel in my head.  Nate also has read through and has stated his empathy in the matter.  Things suck, shit happens and all you can do is get back up and continue, knowing that the roads ahead get easier to traverse, especially with help.

How will his or her possession of these qualities help me make my admissions more effective?  It's easier to confess my wrongs from someone outside of the situation.  Attempting to put it all out on the table is a lot easier if the person can make an unbiased conclusion and can offer better input on it.

Am I willing to trust the person who is to hear my Fifth Step? Both Elaine and Nate are people that I would probably trust with my life (except when Elaine drives.  Then I get a little concerned... :) ).  Trust is not something that comes easily to me, and I tend to run away at the first sign of trouble instead of sticking out and being a better person for the struggle.  My gratitude to them is limitless, for loving me just the way I am, baggage and all.

What do I expect from that person? Unconditional acceptance.  Honesty.  Relatability (is that a word? well it is now).  Life experience.

How will working the Fifth Step help me begin to develop new ways of having relationships? I have been preaching honesty no matter what since my family fell apart, and I try to live up to that ideal with a fierce drive.  Any relationship depends on communication and honesty.  Love is not enough to make a relationship work, as I discovered with Alisha last year.  It's a two way street.

Relationships have always been very hard for me to maintain as far back as I can remember.  I touch the stove and burn my hand.  And like an idiot I try again and, surprise!, it's still hot.  If that's not the definition of insanity, I don't know what is. 


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Step Five: Admitted to Ourselves

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Can I acknowledge and accept the exact nature of our wrongs? I'll have to if I want to continue to live in recovery.  I've done a lot of shitty things and a lot of shitty things were done to me.  I don't have to like it in order to accept it.  I'm giving my shadow self license to feel even the most detrimental of emotions.  Instead of a struggle, I would like to dance with the shadow.  It needs to become my ally in order to face the wreckage of my life.  I'm trying to get my act together here.  My cowardice is paramount to heal and change.  Running away is not the answer, and the sooner I realize and practice this, the sooner I can come to terms with unbearable emotions.

How will making this admission change the direction of my life? Pinpointing exactly what drove me to use in the first place is a valuable asset.  That way, once I identify patterns and see it all happening again, I'll know what to do.  I need to stick to my guns and reply to the affront instead of walking away from it (quite briskly).  I can't let my loneliness make decisions for me, nor should I allow the drugs, despair or my anger guide me into a clusterfuck.  I am aware. Now I just have to act on it.

I'm so mentally exhausted, I don't know what I can do at the moment.  I will check my medication with Steve at some point and perhaps discuss a norepiniphrine shortage.

If I were twice the man I could be, I'd still be half of what you'd need


Friday, December 7, 2012

Step Five: Admitted to the Goddess

We admitted to the Goddess, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

How will I include the Goddess in my fifth step? perhaps I can get some advice from a woman named Camilla that Elaine is taking me to see on monday.  She is Wiccan and has a lot of clean time under her belt.  Perhaps going over my inventory within a circle would be appropriate.  Or even just lighting a candle to acknowledge Her presence would suffice.  She already knows everything there is to know about me because she is a part of me.  However it needs to be addressed aloud and in detail in order to gain the full benefit in order to reap the fruits of my labors in order to stay clean.

How is my third step decision reaffirmed by working the fifth step? Well I've admitted that the Goddess or my Godself is the Higher Power of my choice.  It knows better than anyone my merits and flaws and how to change it in a direct manner.  If I hadn't turned my will over to Her Will, then I don't think I would have gotten this far in recovery. 

Being a Pagan in a sea of Christians is difficult, as the program is open, but a little more streamlined to  Judeo-Christian thought.  It is still possible however, that I can follow a program with small tweaks and changes to make it more Wicca friendly.  Namely saying "Goddess" instead of "God," just to mix things up a little bit. 

You will never, never, never, never, never, never get to me in here...

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Step Five: Facing Fears

We admitted to ourselves, the Goddess and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

What reservations do I have about working step five? I fear misunderstanding and miscommunication on the matters of my addiction, my Higher Power and my cowardice.  I fear judgment and confusion.  I don't feel entirely understood and I fear losing trust or respect.

Do I have any fears at this point? What are they? I don't want to go to rehab.  I don't want to admit the full extent of my addiction to my family.  I feel like they don't need to know.  I wouldn't lie, but I'm not exactly presenting the information, either. 

What am I doing to work through my fears about doing the fifth step? I'm sucking it up and doing it anyway, no matter how uncomfortable I get.  If I cry, oh well.

How has working the first four steps prepared me to work the fifth step? It has certainly made clear the wrongs I have committed and exactly what I need to do in order to face them. 

Sharing the nastiest parts of myself is terrifying, because it takes a remarkable amount of trust.  I'm pretty sure I can trust Elaine, but its that fear of getting burned again.  Then again, I have nothing to hide anymore, which I suppose is why this is on a public blog.  I am open and honest in my doings and will not willingly tell a lie.  If I speak, it must be true, it must be kind and it must be necessary.

 I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out

Sunday, December 2, 2012


Coke makes you Broke

So here we are at the cusp of step five.  I'm not too terribly sure what this is going to turn out like.  I've gone through and pinpointed the greatest fissures in my life.  I've opened old wounds and picked at existing ones.  There it is, all in front of me, quite literally the wreckage I have waded through, both from internal and external forces.  It's not pretty.  It's not just ugly, it has a mind of its own that is best friends with the film reel in my head.  They're fucking each other they're so close.  What else can I do but try to pick out anything of worth from ground zero?

I suppose I could go on to the bitter end -- jails, institutions or death (oh my) -- or choose to live (LIVE!!).  I have to come to terms with my cowardliness.  That's all I see looking back.  I run away at every opportunity.  I've run away so much that my mind has fractured into alts to help me cope, and getting myself together will be no simple task.  Even if I should find myself whole, there will be tell tale cracks that can never be truly sealed.  They make me who I am, and I'm not impressed with the image that stares back at me in this hypothetical mirror.

And now I have to share this wasteland full of evidence of my every misstep and fall.  I can't say that makes me comfortable.  In fact I think I'd rather eat glass. 

Hey victim! Shall I black your eyes again? Hey victim! You are the one who put the stake in my hand
~Gness and such

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Step Four: The Inventory

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


What qualities do I have that I like?  That others like?  That work well for me? I refuse to be average in any respect.  I push my creativity to its limits to be a unique, well-wisened woman.

How have I shown concern for myself and others? Lately, a little.  It's one of those things that I'm working on.

Which spiritual principles am I practicing in my life?  How has doing so changed my life? An it harm none, do as ye will.  Doing harm to myself is just as bad as harming others.  Drugs were always harming in some way or another.  I am trying to purge myself of my addiction so recovery can take its place.

How has my faith and trust in a Higher Power grown? Now that I have defined it, it is easier to relate and bond with this Godself.  Her input is a valuable asset in my daily living, not just recovery.

What is my relationship with my sponsor based on?  How do I see that positive experience translating into other relationships? Elaine and I are a pair based on experience and a helping of trust.  I love her input and the way she can relate to similar troubles that I am facing right now.  She's been in the program for a long time, strung with several relapses.  I don't think anyone has ever stopped their first try.  It's strengthening.

What goals have I accomplished?  Do I have other goals I am taking action to reach?  What are they, and what action am I taking? Hey, 30 days is commendable for my addicted ass.  I want to publish my novel, I want to be a good mother and I want to share what I have with someone special (here's to you, Zircon).  In my own place by April.  I'm trying my best to be patient.

What are my values? Which ones am I committed to living by and how? AN IT HARM NONE, DO AS YE WILL. nuff said.

How am I showing my gratitude for recovery? By being there for newbies, because I'm not exactly seasoned, I do know what it's like to crave, relapse and pick myself up again.

Thought he had it all before they called his bluff, found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough, wanted to go back to how it was before, thought he lost everything, then he lost a whole lot more